Even though the temperatures have warmed up, in the middle of this endless winter, it fails to warm the hearts of singles looking for love. And the approach of Valentine’s Day doesn’t help matters. So thumbs and index fingers heat up on the screens, swiping at the speed of light on dating apps, especially when the Sunday evening blues are rife, which can also appear on other days of the week.
Many of those in a hurry therefore work extra hard to meet the right person. There, several strategies are possible: multiply the dates to increase your chances, or opt for slow dating, prioritizing quality over quantity. But does it work?
Sunday Night Blues and Dating Monday
If the first Sunday of the year is the one when there is the most traffic on dating apps, throughout the year, we can observe peaks, including that of Sunday evening blues, which sometimes persists a little more singles. But there is now also Monday. “In France, the peak of activity on Bumble is on Mondays, between 9 and 10 p.m.,” indicates the dating site. It’s called “Dating Monday.”
Mélanie, 32, recognizes herself in both Sunday blues and Dating Monday. “When I’m alone at home while most of my friends live as a couple, whether it’s Sunday evening or coming home from work during the week to an empty apartment, it depresses me.” For Véronique Kohn, psychologist and psychotherapist specializing in couples and romantic relationships, and author of Which lover(s) are you? (ed. Tchou), this reflex occurs in “moments when we feel an inner, existential emptiness. In these moments thoughts of future loneliness arise: the fear of being alone and remaining so. They are often active people who don’t ask questions in the rush and who, when the evening comes, feel a heavy loneliness. And instead of not acting on that thought, they fuel it. For them, in this standardized society which overvalues the couple, connecting on apps or networks is the escape and the solution.”
Mélanie “scrolls and swipes massively. I chain messages and dates with several guys. But pretty quickly, I became disappointed, because as a general rule, apart from conversations that lead to nothing, dates that are a bit lame and the occasional night without a future, apps don’t allow me to do real things. meetings, so I uninstall them all. A system which generates “disappointment”, analyzes Véronique Kohn: in the end, many men and women do not find themselves in it, they are jaded and disappointed by these sites which promise a soul mate which often is not not there.”
New dates, without pressure
To avoid putting too much pressure on herself, Robin, 33, changed the way she dates. “The old-fashioned first date where we meet for drinks and dinner is over. In general, we see each other for the first time after a few days of exchanging messages, when there is a good feeling. But only by seeing each other “in real life” can we realize if there is chemistry or not. And when there isn’t one, it’s a little painful for both of us to say that we’ve blocked the whole evening for that. So now, I rather suggest a coffee, or a drink at the very beginning of the evening, planning other plans with friends afterwards.”
A way “to save time: we anticipate the potential disappointment of the date,” explains the psychotherapist. We don’t want to waste our time so we plan a short date and something to continue the evening in a pleasant way, always with the idea of escaping this feeling of existential emptiness and loneliness: firstly I date, and If it doesn’t work, I always have friends.”
“Avalanching” versus “slow dating”
In terms of dating strategy, two schools of thought oppose each other, between the supporters of “avalanching”, which consists of multiplying the dates even if it means lowering its criteria, giving priority to the quantitative over the qualitative. And “slow dating”, which focuses on “quality rather than quantity,” says Bumble. More than a third of French women (42%) now say they actively engage in “slow dating” to protect their mental health, while half of people (49%) favor quality rather than quantity during their meetings. .
In both options, “we are in a proactive strategy,” explains Véronique Kohn. For fans of avalanche, the advantage is statistical: even if you want to meet people, you might as well focus on performance and numbers, to optimize your chances of success. It can work, but beware of the backlash to applying a criterion of productivity to sentimental things, she warns, the risk of disappointment is great. Slow dating is part of this current “slow” fashion, which involves taking your time and focusing on quality. The intention is not bad, it is about taking the time to find the profile that suits us. There is a good thing: we court each other, we get to know each other before meeting, we don’t jump on each other straight away, that has its charm. But we can also overinvest in this virtual phase, and be disappointed when the real meeting does not live up to the set objective of becoming a couple.”
At 27, Noé opted for avalanche. “After a difficult breakup and a few not-so-great months, I finally moved on. I had some evening encounters, but nothing serious. And at one point, I really wanted to get into a relationship. So I approached it like a project, with a strategy: multiply the dates, telling myself that I would end up really matching with someone.” A pragmatism shared by the one who has been his girlfriend for eight months, Sarah, 26, who for her part preferred slow dating: “Apps or Insta are a way like any other to meet new people. But I didn’t want to waste my time with everyone, I made a selection, she jokes. But the expectations are the same, no matter how we got to know each other. After several dates, when I felt that I was really good with Noé, I told him that I wanted an exclusive relationship, that it was take it or leave it.” And “I was on the same wavelength,” adds Noé, “so I said “ok!” “.