psychology
False hopes: This will hurt others even though you mean well with them
Sometimes the most hurtful things are those we mean well with
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Sure, of course you basically don’t want to hurt anyone. But the others don’t want that either – and it happens anyway. We clarify why.
This text first appeared at this point brigitte.de.
Disregarding bad people and energy vampires, most people generally mean well with their fellow human beings. Almost nobody wants to hurt others and yet we often hurt each other – as almost everyone probably knows from personal experience. The biggest crux here: Sometimes the most hurtful things are those that we mean well. To name just three examples …
1. Put problems into perspective
“In three weeks you will laugh about it!”, “Other people have much worse problems!”, “You have survived completely different things!” Because even if there is usually something to the statements, they give those in need of consolation the feeling that their problems are not being taken seriously, that they are a drama queen or that they are so weak that they burden things that others perceive as trifles. So even if it is true that we often overestimate our problems and get involved – this knowledge only helps if we have it ourselves. Hearing it from others, on the other hand, hurts a lot.
2. Get false hopes
“It was really nice, I’ll get in touch.”, “Maybe we can repeat that on occasion.”, “Thank you very much, you will hear from us.”: Almost everyone has probably already been told something like this – and then never again heard from the other. But somebody out of apparent kindness and consideration or because you don’t want to be the ass giving bad news, giving false hopes, is the nastiest thing you can do. Regardless of whether it’s a job or a relationship. Because while the hopeful waits in vain, he wastes his time and energy. He broods, may suggest or hold out other options, is emotionally troubled and insecure. Then it’s better to be the ass for once and say “it didn’t work with me, I don’t see any point in pursuing this” than to pull yourself out of the affair with an angelic face.
3. Protect from the truth
“Of course I was loyal to you, really!”, “I have an orgasm with you every time.”, “Oh my God! I’m so happy for you!”: Sometimes we lie to people we love with the belief that it was better for her. But mostly it’s better for us in the first place. Of course, if you have had an affair, for example, it is a very individual decision whether you confess it to the other or not, and in individual cases it can be right not to do it. But most of the time the truth either comes to light at some point and hurts what has been lied to twice – because the lie also breaches trust.
Or it stands subliminally between those involved and puts a strain on the relationship. Because if you can’t honestly say to a good friend, for example: “Wow, you can do everything! I’m happy for you, but I’m a little jealous too …”, the negative feelings will smolder beneath the surface. And if she doesn’t know anything about it, she can’t take it into account.
Admittedly, no person will ever be able to completely and at all times prevent them from hurting others. Nobody can always think about everything, after all we are all just people with our own problems and packages. But in order to keep injuries to others as low as possible, it can help to ask yourself a simple question: If I were in the situation of my counterpart, what would be best for me? Often we are doing our fellow human beings a bigger favor with this alone than with most (other) of our good intentions …