In the immense galaxy of sex, all the stars seem to revolve around the same sun: orgasm. Captain orgasm, from as far as infinity, you come down here to save all men – and women?
From those who experience it several times in the same night to those who wander in a sunless world, everyone seems to be in search of the same star. But what does it look like? Is it the same for everyone? On the occasion of World Orgasm Day, 20 minutes asks ten questions to Masha Sexplain, sex educator and creator from the eponymous Instagram accounton this sesame of sex.
Let’s start with the basics: what are the different types of orgasms?
In sexology, we separate orgasms according to the area that causes them. There are the most common erogenous zones: the clitoris (via internal or external simulation), the penis, the prostate or even the nipples. But the whole body is erogenous. From the moment there is sufficient arousal, greater blood flow allows the body to be much more receptive to touch. So, the hollow of the arms or the hollow of the thighs can make someone orgasm, whereas when we think of an erogenous zone, few people will mention the arms (laughs). Finally, our first sexual organ is the brain. With the same technique, depending on the partners, we will not experience the same pleasure.
Our first sexual organ is the brain. »
How to recognize it?
We usually know we’re having an orgasm. It is recognizable because it causes involuntary contractions of the perineum, release of sexual tension, increased sensitivity of the glans (penis or clitoris), fatigue and great pleasure. There are big orgasms and small orgasms. They are built with sexual tension. If it was a little tension, it’s a little release of sexual tension and therefore a little orgasm. All that depends on the context, the scenario that we have invented and a whole bunch of other parameters.
Is the big “O” the ABCD of sexuality?
Yes and no. It’s unique to everyone. You can have a great time with someone and have fun like never before without reaching orgasm. The orgasm is not the main thing but as soon as there is pain, it is important not to ignore it. From the moment a person tells us: I have orgasms every time I have sex but they don’t give me pleasure, we will have to question ourselves, for the well-being of the person. The same for someone who has never had an orgasm in their life, we are not going to answer: it’s not a big deal, it’s not essential to have an orgasm!
Can you never have an orgasm?
Of course it is possible to never experience an orgasm because of a lack of self-knowledge, a lack of curiosity, taboo… The numbers [des personnes qui ont expérimenté un orgasme] are on the rise but it is important to note the disparities between men and women. Female couples orgasm almost systematically! This is not a physiological problem of the clitoris. It’s often said that women don’t know their bodies, but it’s men who don’t know women’s bodies well. If your female partner has regular orgasms in her solo sexuality, it is because there is a problem of technique, communication, context… The question is also: as a man I want to make my partner cum and understand how she works?
Is it possible to increase orgasms?
Absolutely. It’s much easier for a woman than for a man because the refractory period, that is to say the period following an orgasm, is much less intense in women. There is increased sensitivity at the level of clitoris and fatigue but also the possibility of feeling pleasure again quickly. Many women achieve this with a forced air sex toy, first at minimum speed to cause a first orgasm, then at higher speed to cause a second orgasm. For men, ejaculation is very tiring for a penis. But if they can have orgasms without ejaculating, then it’s easier to have repeated orgasms.
Because in men, orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing?
No, a man who ejaculates has not necessarily had an orgasm and a man who does not ejaculate has not necessarily not experienced an orgasm. It’s not at all difficult for women to dissociate. We don’t think that a woman who hasn’t had a fountain show hasn’t orgasmed. This is obviously more often correlated in men but it is not an absolute rule, far from it. This is why it is very interesting to ask this question with our male partners.
Should you take your time to reach orgasm?
It is neither normal nor abnormal to take your time. It’s a question of desire: do we want to take the time today or do a quick quickie? However, we can only recommend taking your time to investigate your sexuality in depth and taking the time to build up this sexual tension in yourself and in each other. But sex starts before you enter the bedroom – or the kitchen (laughs). Communication is essential to good sex. It doesn’t matter if it’s a one-night stand, a sex friend or a husband.
Is the female orgasm more powerful than the male orgasm?
I think that if we can say that today it is mainly because men are still too disconnected from their sensuality and their body and have a more mechanical relationship to sex than women. When we maintain this relationship with our body, orgasms are less strong. Men who are more connected to their bodies experience stronger orgasms similar to those of women. The less mechanical we are, the closer we get to orgasm. And unfortunately we often have in mind that we just need to stimulate the penis and that’s it. But a man is not just a penis.
Do you have to scream to orgasm?
It’s unique to everyone. Some people explain that simulating helps them orgasm. Everyone has a different reaction to orgasm: some people scream, laugh, cry, or even pass out! It’s an emotional release. You don’t have to worry about crying after orgasm. However, if you cry systematically and there is associated suffering, it may be interesting to consult a psychologist.
You occasionally run workshops with Friday night, such as “10 secrets to being a good guy”. What’s the most surprising question you’ve had about orgasm?
It’s a question that no longer surprises me, it’s a timeless one that comes up quite often but is funny: “Is it normal for me to fart when I have an orgasm? » This can happen because the perineum relaxes. If it is systematic, it may be because the perineum is hypotonic and it may be a good idea to consult a physiotherapist specializing in abdominoperineal rehabilitation.