It’s a feeling often so intense that when it dies, the wound is deep. In Friendship *, out in bookstores this Friday, therapist and author Anne-Laure Buffet dissects one of the most important relationships of our lives. 20 minutes chose to focus on the moment when everything stops. Because each of us has experienced heartbreaks of friendship that have marked him deeply.
Does a friendly breakup make you suffer more than a romantic breakup?
When the friendship is established for a long time, its end generates a suffering often higher than that which one could feel at the time of a sentimental rupture. Because we often give more in friendship than in love: we expose ourselves, we do not preserve any part of mystery. And when two friends break up, they each walk away with a piece of the other’s secrets. They can also use these “files” against each other.
In the event of a breakup, the feeling of collapse is certainly very violent, but the regrets generally fade over time. When we break up with a friend, we may miss him for life.
You distinguish shattering ruptures (dispute, farewell letter, etc.) from progressive detachments. What situations do they correspond to?
On the one hand, there are the ruptures which are crashes, sharp tears, even outbursts of anger. And which are linked to betrayals, disputes… And on the other hand, the separations which settle over a longer period of time, because the link has frayed over time. We look for topics of conversation, we no longer have the impression of not bringing anything to each other. We give each other less and less news and then none at all. These separations are due to the fact that we have evolved differently, that our values and our opinions diverge too much. During the health crisis, these separations multiplied; with the confinements, some people moved away, they understood that they no longer really wanted to maintain the relationship, because their links were ultimately not that essential.
Are friendship breakups experienced differently before the age of 30 than after?
Before the age of 30, friendships are multiplied. But they are not always deeply rooted. Hence the frequent separations. Of course, there are childhood friends, to whom young people are very attached, and whose separation can be very painful. But according to the testimonies that I have collected, the suffering is even greater when there is a friendly break-up in the quarantine or even after. Because these people have gone through a life journey together.
Isn’t the disappointment explained by our excessive demands on our friends?
We tend to idealize our friends. And the more we make them carry our ideal, the more we have the risk of being disappointed. Example: it often happens that we think we are close to someone, but that we end up realizing that he does not answer present in case of difficulties, that he lacks attention towards us.
Is possessiveness often a cause of rupture?
Yes, because it is a source of toxicity. Wanting an exclusive relationship will generate painful and unhealthy jealousy. When you demand too much of your friend, the relationship becomes unbalanced. The lack of reciprocity will eventually be fatal to the relationship.
What are the most obvious cases of betrayal in friendship?
When there is love interference. For example, when two friends fall in love with the same person, one is chosen and the other is not. Or that a single person gets into a relationship and completely forgets about their friends.
How do you heal from a friendship breakup?
By reflecting on its causes, what we projected onto the other, what we lost with him and our expectations for our future relationships. You have to be able to overcome emotion and anger to question yourself. Otherwise, we risk repeating this type of scenario and finding ourselves in the same impasse.
Can this ordeal make us mature, make us better?
If we do this work of introspection, it can lead us to sharpen our critical spirit vis-à-vis ourselves and others and to grow spiritually.
Are you more likely to forgive a friend than a lover?
Yes, because the ego is a priori less affected in a friendly than sentimental breakup. And separation does not engender the same fear of rejection. When a love dies, we can tell ourselves that it will be difficult to establish a relationship again. We rarely have this reflection when we break a friendly bond.
When is reconciliation possible?
By letting the time of emotions and resentment pass. To find the other, you have to be able to say things about what happened and to hear back. Before attempting reconciliation, one must also accept the risk that the other does not want to come back.