I’ve been invited to an old school friend’s silver wedding. Now it is customary in our clique to give money on such occasions. My girlfriend and her husband both have well-paid jobs, the children are studying in cities that are not too expensive, and the house has long been paid off. I would rather donate the money to a good cause, for example for refugees from Ukraine. Am I allowed to do that?
Therese F., Munich
Margaret Auer is the author of the best-selling children’s book series “The School of Magical Animals”, which has now been printed more than seven million times and translated into 25 languages. She has three sons, almost all grown up, and lives in the middle of Bavaria.
(Photo: Auer)
Margit Auer:
Do you want to think about who of your friends urgently needs the money and who doesn’t? Who wants to be taxed like that? In my experience, you shouldn’t change things that have settled in and work well. Your system works wonderfully! One could of course criticize that a gift of money is quite impersonal. That’s true, but it still has some undeniable advantages: the guests don’t have to rack their brains every time what to give them. And the hosts do not have to be artificially happy if there are aberrations in taste. I wouldn’t start throwing the system overboard now. Everyone knows the rules of the game, everyone knows what to expect. Some take the amount to pay the bill in the restaurant, others to fulfill a wish, others maybe donate it. Leave it to the school friend what she does with the money. Conversely, when it is your turn, you can then donate your gift.
Herbert Renz upholstery is a pediatrician, scientist and author of parenting guides and the blog “Understanding Children”. He has four adult children and lives in Ravensburg with his wife and youngest child.
(Photo: Random House)
Herbert Renz upholstery:
If it has been customary to give gifts of money up to now, that doesn’t mean that it can’t and shouldn’t change. For example, when the usual becomes either annoying or stale, or when there are simply better ideas all of a sudden. And here there is obviously such a new idea in the room. In order to get them off to a good start, however, it would be important to talk openly with each other and to justify the suggestion in a comprehensible way, because you certainly want to avoid your desire for a new gift culture (the word really fits here) being misunderstood or even perceived as a lack of appreciation. Fortunately, there are many ways to reinforce or symbolize a gift’s level of appreciation. For example, by considering a particularly individual and personal gift that comes from the heart. Then you would be back to what constitutes a gift and has apparently atrophied in the previous version: that both the person giving and the recipient enjoy the gift.
Collien Ulmen Fernandes is an actress and presenter. The mother of a daughter lives in Potsdam and wrote the bestselling children’s book “Lotti und Otto” and the parent guide “I’ll be a mom then”.
(Photo: Anatol Kotte)
Collien Ulmen Fernandes:
You are honored by your commitment, and I really mean that without irony. You care about what is happening in the world, you notice how well you and your girlfriend are doing compared to others and you want to do something. Everything about it is good and right, nothing about it is wrong. I would therefore just like to answer with a little anecdote, or rather with a parable, which reminds me of your question: A few years ago, a good friend told me about a Christmas party with her company. Everyone in the company (a well-known art gallery) was always looking forward to this celebration, because not only was it a particularly nice celebration with nice colleagues, but the bosses were always extremely generous. There was a generous Christmas bonus and one or two valuable, surprising gifts for everyone in the company. In short, the expectations were high every time, and the disappointment was just as great when it was suddenly announced at the climax of the celebration that year that the company wanted to do without classic gifts this time and that the money would go to a reforestation program, which is why every employee got a get a tree sponsorship or something. Everyone nodded dutifully and tried to be happy, because of course everyone knew how important nature conservation is, but everyone went home a little less elated than usual. Maybe a tear or two was shed. What I mean by that? Sometimes you just have to FORCE people to be happy! In any case, donate to Ukraine!