Certainly, in the collective imagination, Christmas is a family celebration. But for some French people, it is more the occasion to share a good meal and to exchange gifts with friends. A practice which tends to spread, as observes Anne-Catherine Sabas, psychoanalyst: “Today, we allow ourselves more to leave rigid traditions and to invent different ways of celebrating. “
Sometimes it is material contingencies that prevent some from sharing their turkey with Uncle Boris or Grandma Marthe. Because they live too far from the family fold or they work the same day or the next day. In this period when the coronavirus epidemic is on the rise, others prefer to stay away from their parents so as not to risk infecting them. Sometimes it’s the very structure of the home that makes Christmas with the family so complicated. For example for blended families. “We do not want to choose the parents of one to the detriment of those of the other, which would create jealousy, so we prefer to stay at home and invite friends,” notes Anne-Catherine Sabas.
Break with conformist habits
But in most cases, the decision to celebrate Christmas with friends is a real choice. First for those who want to experience these moments in a less conventional way. “The repetition of the Christmas tradition can be tiresome. With the drudgery of presents, endless meals and predictable discussions. Rather than spending a New Year’s Eve without surprise, some allow themselves to be in agreement with what they are experiencing, ”analyzes social psychologist Dominique Picard. For some, it is also to avoid an overly prescriptive straitjacket. “We can have the impression of being stigmatized if we are outside the family norm: single, divorced, in a couple without children… And so, by not going to New Years Eve, we can dodge the reflections that hurt the family. ‘comfortable’, emphasizes Anne-Catherine Sabas.
For many, it is above all a way to avoid tensions with loved ones. “We drink a little, we warm up, we disinhibit ourselves, which sometimes leads to emptying our bag. Some family conflicts also come from the gap between ideals and reality. There are high expectations around the holidays, we prepare them well in advance, they must necessarily be happy and successful. So much so that the arguments have a particular resonance: the magic of Christmas is shattered and the disappointment is strong ”, analyzes Anne-Catherine Sabas. Moreover, each year, from November, his patients evoke their stress of family reunion, which leads some to avoid a new setback.
“I celebrate Christmas with them. They are my family that I have chosen for myself ”
This is the case with Marie, who answered our call for witnesses. It is these family tensions that made him make a decision: “The last Christmas spent with my family saw my last bridle of patience give way: at the sight of the boar being used as authority – and by sneering – by my parents to my Muslim husband. (I am a Christian), and that after twenty-four years of living together and 4 children, I threw in the towel on the altar of tolerance. Christmas will no longer take place with us unless accompanied by friends imbued with benevolence and devoid of any sarcasm! Because Christmas is about sharing, love and tolerance! I want to live it as I built my family: with simplicity, openness to others, which does not prevent respect for traditions! “.
Same protective reflex in another of our readers: “My family is toxic. My mom abused me physically and psychologically. I no longer have contact with my father too, who, when he started a new family, kicked me out at the age of 18. I learned the hard way that you don’t choose your family, but your friends. Every year, I celebrate Christmas with them. They are my family that I have chosen for myself and I love them! “.
If celebrations with parents, brothers and sisters have an explosive potential, it is also because “family reunions are moments of regression, explains Dominique Picard. We find ourselves in the skin of the child that we were, with a more or less enviable place in the siblings: that of the favorite eldest son, the pampered youngest, the second who feels like an ugly duckling … Rivalries can reappear, the old reflexes return. “And even when you become an adult, you haven’t necessarily overcome these positioning problems. Not to mention that bickering around the spouse and children can rekindle tensions. And this year, between the debates on vaccination and the presidential election, the cocktail can be particularly explosive.
“The first Christmas without the family can taste a bit bitter”
Still, the decision not to celebrate Christmas with the family is not easy to take: “It’s a way to act on the breaking of banns with her and to signify that we can do without it”, emphasizes Dominique. Picard. “Not being with family that day is a strong symbolic act,” adds Anne-Catherine Sabas. Sometimes it’s a temporary decision, a way to take a break to hope to start again in the following winter. But often, it is final, as for Gérald: “For forty years, I celebrated Christmas in family with my brother and two of my sisters. It was the quintessential family celebration. Seven years ago, for the first time, I celebrated it with friends. Since then, it has become a habit and if I could not see them, I would do Christmas Eve on my own, ”he explains.
For those who take the plunge, opening one’s presents without one’s parents or siblings is sometimes a little difficult at first, as Anne-Catherine Sabas, psychoanalyst underlines: “Christmas is so associated with the image of a fulfilled family. , at a time when we hoped for an appeasement of quarrels, that to renounce it is to mourn. This release is sometimes painful and the first Christmas without the family can taste a bit bitter. “Not to mention that some parents can make you feel guilty”, adds Dominique Picard. And for this Christmas to be merry, it is necessary to take some precautions according to her. “You should not invite only guests who feel left behind in their family and who will tend to pour out their resentment during the evening. In order to live this Christmas among friends not as a failure, but as an assumed choice, a liberation. “