A painful relationship is not only painful when there is aggression or physical abuse. The discomfort can be on a moral level. To find out if you are in a healthy relationship or not, psychotherapist Assa Djelou from the firm “Desire and Become”give to 20 minutes three points considered as “red flags”, warning signals which portend a potentially toxic relationship.
Red flag No. 1, suffering
Pain in a relationship can be subtle and constant when times spent together are “complicated” for you to bear. For example, if during a dinner with your partner you are constantly uncomfortable because of their words and gestures, this may be a sign of deeper discomfort that you need to start considering. Assa Djelou explains that these behaviors can be related to what the person says or the way they behave, both with you and with others.
When you are in a relationship, “we are supposed to start with something rather healthy”, explains the therapist before insisting on the fact that you must absolutely “feel good” next to this interlocutor, whether emotionally or in terms of security. “If these two elements are not present in the relationship, it is a painful relationship,” she concludes.
Red flag No. 2, communication
If you have difficulty communicating or frequently have many things left unanswered, you also need to be careful. Taking the example of the restaurant, Assa Djelou states that if the interlocutor does not make himself available to listen to what you have to say, or minimizes the seriousness of the emotions that it may have generated in you that evening, he may again be a painful relationship. The professional is firm: “It is important to have a partner on whom you can rely and with whom you can communicate.” Indeed, this is how your partner will be able to understand you better, receive the necessary information about you, in order to be the ideal person at your side.
If communication is poor within the relationship, it risks creating certain patterns of infidelity, but also becoming the starting point for declining mental health. This is what the psychotherapist says: “We can feel an emotional void, an emotional deficiency and this can cause anxiety. Or even a real reactive depression which can push the subject to question themselves.”
Red flag No. 3, “difficulty existing”
By “difficulty existing”, Assa Djelou means a relationship where the partner does not fully accept you with your personality, your qualities as well as your weaknesses. Clearly, you are unable to flourish and be entirely yourself because the interlocutor rejects you, denies your qualities or questions certain of your projects or ambitions. In the long term, this attitude can cause you to lose self-confidence.
“An interlocutor, in a healthy relationship, is supposed to help you become the person you want to be,” recalls the professional.
“The best advice I can give you is to choose yourself”
Assa Djelou also adds that your partner must “be a complement” who adds to you to support you. Therefore, this person must above all be in tune with who you are. If this is not the case, the relationship risks causing moral discomfort. To remedy this, she recommends putting “words to the ailments”, in order to identify the reason for one’s discomfort and treat it.
If you feel overwhelmed, she advises seeking support from associations, professionals and caring people. “It is possible to file a complaint for psychological violence,” says Assa Djelou.
“The best advice I can give you is to choose yourself,” the therapist finishes. That is to say, forgiving yourself, without guilt, in order to regain your self-esteem before starting a new relationship.