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Outsiders, no friends: How parents can then help their children
Once caught in the downward spiral, children have a harder time stepping out of character
© LumiNola / Getty Images
We find our children absolutely adorable. It’s tough when your peers see things differently. Also for the parents who often feel helpless.
By Miriam Kuehnel
This text first appeared here brigitte.de.
Nele is in fourth grade. She counts the days until changing schools for two reasons: “Because then I’ll finally be out of this class and because I’m afraid of the new class.” While Nele is talking, her mother furtively wipes her eyes, then smiles quickly and says: “It will be great at the new school. You will definitely make friends quickly!” Nele shrugs her shoulders. She can’t really believe in it.
She doesn’t even remember exactly when it started. Maybe in the 2nd grade, maybe later. Somehow suddenly some boys started shooting at her. She was so unsettled that she curled up more and more. “My best friend then said that I had become a crybaby and looked for other friends,” she says sadly. But no matter how alone Nele may feel, her story is unfortunately not an isolated case. A lot of kids are like you. Being an outsider, or a “misfit” as it’s called these days, is an existential problem. In various studies, social researchers came to the conclusion that “having good friends” is the most important ingredient for happiness even at primary school age.
Loud and shy children have a hard time
There are many different reasons why children become outsiders. Some – like Nele – are simply very insecure and can therefore be thrown off course quickly. This in turn makes them easy victims. Once caught in this downward spiral, it is not easy for them to get out of their role. But even the cheeky class clowns sometimes have a hard time in the group. Depending on the group dynamic, they too can easily become outsiders. As children get older, the pressure to conform increases. While a few stand out well in the group because of their uniqueness, others are ostracized. But what can you do if your own child somehow doesn’t “fit in”?
Under no circumstances speak “a serious word” with the other children
If children absolutely don’t want their teachers or parents to go to the class or group to talk to them about the situation, they’re spot on. Psychologists strongly discourage such “class discussions” because they stigmatize the child in question even more. Inviting all classmates to the ultimate birthday party is also not very helpful. Experts advise strengthening individual friendships through invitations or joint activities and boosting the child’s self-confidence through hobbies or within other groups. Because often the good standing of the child in the class stands and falls with their own self-esteem. Luckily, you can work on that outside of school too. But definitely not by badmouthing your classmates.
What Parents Can Do
No, we cannot and should not save our children from every difficult situation. But we can be there for you. Depending on the age, this “being there” looks different…
3 to 6 years – keep calm
In this case, the phrase “little children, small worries – big children, big worries” is good news. If children of kindergarten age are excluded, you can still observe, classify and also give a little support in dealing with friends. The educators will also help the child to find their way into the group.
DO: Kindly support
DON’T: Absolutely avoid sentences like “No wonder nobody wants to play with you like that”.
6 to 9 years – keep in touch
Typically, the first serious problems arise in the second and third grades, when the grade has stabilized. It is now becoming more difficult to identify exactly where the problem lies, because the children are usually busy and meeting outside of school without their parents. Very important: Always offer an ear, but don’t ask questions. It’s better to talk about your own day, including the moments that went wrong. This helps the child to open up and talk about problems. A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved. And sometimes you come up with a good idea together, how to protect yourself from meanness or how to be polite and friendly in a group.
DO: Listen carefully, stay in the conversation.
DON’T: distribute blame and look for the “bad guy”. That doesn’t help anyone.
From the age of 10 – go to the cinema together
Now it’s finally getting complicated. When the children / teenagers develop together and side by side as quickly as they do at this age, it must actually be exhausting. And that for everyone. In addition, at this age courting for the favor of the opposite sex begins, which suddenly sparks a competitive situation. Then it almost doesn’t matter how you fall out of the frame. If you’re too beautiful, too small, too tall, too loud, too quiet, too nerdy, too rich, too different, or too poor… any deviation from the norm can become a problem. A good therapy against “feeling alone”: films. There are a lot of really wonderful films about the feeling of not belonging. And they always carry – as shallow as some may be – a bit of truth and a solution strategy within them.
DO: Listen carefully and strengthen self-confidence by trusting your child and taking their perception seriously.
DON’T: Forcing people to talk, offering 1000 solutions, constantly addressing and problematizing “puberty”. It’s heavy enough that you don’t have to bang on it.