J. Peirano: I’ve been looking for a lover, but is there more to it than just sex?

Dear Ms. Peirano,

I’m 43 and the mother of a 16-year-old daughter. I have been single for 8 years because I have devoted myself entirely to my daughter and my work (a shipping clerk). A few months ago I met a man through an ad in “Die Zeit” who wrote that he was in a long-term relationship without sex and was looking for a woman for special moments and tenderness. That really spoke to me.

That’s how I met Frederick, managing director of his company, very attractive and charismatic.

We met for coffee, went to a jazz bar, and we hit it off straight away. He had booked a hotel in my city and we spent the night there together. It was the best sex I had had in years and I felt electrified and wanted. But looking back, I notice that he never looks into my eyes during sex. He often ties me to the bed with silk sheets and takes me from behind, even today. At first I found it really exciting, especially after many years of living like a nun, and I was able to concentrate quite well on myself and let my fantasies run wild. I felt sexy and daring.

He massaged and gave me oral pleasure for a long time and I often came to orgasm. Cuddles were always his way of pampering me.

We met a few times a month and he was quite dominant and dictated the meetings. He called me, emailed me plane tickets and hotel coordinates, and he sent a package with lingerie and an expensive perfume before every meeting. At first I just thought it was cool. We went to expensive restaurants in exciting cities, art galleries (mostly erotic) and bars.

He didn’t share much personal information about himself or his family and, to be honest, I wasn’t interested in his marriage either. That was clear from the start and what little he let slip sounded very boring.

But after some time I realized that he wasn’t interested in me or my life either. Once, just before our weekend, I had a big argument with my daughter because she was drinking too much alcohol and also being pretty outspoken with boys (she’s 16!), and Frederick simply said, “The main thing is who YOU ​​sleep with.” and grabbed my breasts. At that moment I felt a huge distance between us and lost the desire to sleep with him.

I then went home early, which upset him, and then I got to thinking. He called me and told me he missed me but kept trying to hit me up sexually. A few days later the package came again and even more provocative underwear.

For the first time I’m wondering if I should really go when he has so little interest in my life. I’ve lost my desire for sex for the time being, and without sex there isn’t much. Should I really continue with this? Or go there on the weekend and see if it changes? I would like to talk to him about how I feel.

Best regards
Sophie L.

Dear Sophie L,

I can imagine how much you longed for closeness and touch after eight years as a single mother. But it sounds like you wanted both emotional and physical touch. And beyond that, I get the impression that you are also looking for a conversation partner and companion who is interested in your life and your feelings.

Your response to Frederick’s ad was an attempt to find a partner to meet your needs in the limited time available to you due to your life circumstances.

However, what you didn’t realize from Frederick’s ad was that he was quite clearly looking for something completely different. You were probably initially blinded by his promise of tenderness and intense moments away from everyday life, and that worked well at first. There was finally a man in your life again who desired you, touched you and who took you away from your everyday life. You were able to leave behind the feelings of constantly being responsible for your daughter and your job and feel like a woman and lover. That was definitely very exciting and could give you a great kick.

But over time it became clear that Frederick was “only” interested in sexual and physical satisfaction and – for whatever reason – did not want to be a contact person for your emotional concerns. Maybe he already has enough emotional issues at home with his wife, or maybe he just wanted to specifically live out with you what was missing in his marriage, and to do so as specifically and precisely as possible. He wanted to get a lot of “value for money” on his weekends off, so to speak. He functions in his demanding job and his unsatisfactory marriage and also wants to feel confirmed as a man. He needs this in his own way because it gives him the fuel for his life.

Apparently Frederick is good at separating different areas in his life, and you were the woman for his sexual and erotic needs, but not yet another woman for whom he wanted to have understanding and compassion. And that’s exactly what hurt you, because you’ve now learned in this relationship that you don’t just want sex, but much more. Maybe you haven’t admitted to yourself that as a single working mother you need a shoulder to lean on and encourage.

Your hurt because Frederick is only sexually interested in you causes you to lose your sexual interest in him. It sounds like: You don’t want anything from my soul, so I’m denying you my body. And this is exactly where I would advise you to draw a line in the sand. Because Frederick is clear in his intentions and probably won’t change. And through him you became aware of what you were missing.

I would advise you to think again about what exactly you want from a relationship or affair: should it just be a man for mental and physical downtime or also a partner in everyday life?

And once you know that, you can start looking again. I wish you all the best!

Best regards
Julia Peirano