Passion, lust and even a little bit of being in love – things really sparked between Jennifer and her new acquaintance. If only there wasn’t this tiny problem that both of them are already married.
Hello dear Ms. Peirano,
I am writing here out of desperation and hoping for a few small signposts. I got very close to a man in August. The drama starts here since we are both married. I know myself that that’s not okay. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do anything about Cupid’s arrow.
Meanwhile, the story is taking my breath away more and more. His statements do not match his actions, on the other hand he invests a lot. I don’t know anything anymore. He says himself that he doesn’t know where this is all going to lead. But he feels very fortunate to have met me.
It’s awful, but I’m starting to love this man and I almost wish there would be a we.
I can’t quite tell if he’s a player or a man with a lot of feeling who is also caught in his situation…
I probably made one or the other mistake, but I would say nothing serious. No clinging and no emotional dependency. Rather more distance between the beautiful moments.
I’m very desperate now and would like to end it because the situation can’t stay like this. The fear that I will miss him a lot and that I am heartbroken, and also the concern that he might not care, prevent me from doing so. And you don’t want to leave someone you really feel for.
Maybe you can help me.
Best regards,
Jennifer F
Dear Jennifer F,
It sounds as if you have become entangled in a story that completely absorbs you and robs you of the power to live, which clouds your senses and does not allow you to think clearly in your head. From my situation from the outside, from the edge of my nose, so to speak, I missed part of your story very much.
I kept asking myself, “What about Jennifer’s husband?” Your thoughts seem to revolve around your lover and whether he is an alternative, whether you want to spend the future with him. But what about your husband? The first and most important step would be for you to calmly examine what has gone wrong in your relationship with your husband, so that you are open to an affair and can also completely ignore your husband. The lover often reflects exactly what the marriage lacks. For example, you look for a particularly passionate lover when sex has died down in marriage. Or a caring one when your own husband is absent. It would be important for you to look at this point carefully. Because if the problem is not solved, changing partners is usually not enough.
The second step is to consider whether you want to end your marriage and whether you can really end it in reality (finances, children, feelings, living situation, etc.). Only when you can say a sure yes and are willing to give your husband a straight answer can you think about whether you want to be alone first or whether you want to see if a future together is possible with your lover.
Because imagine that your husband gets wind of your affair (which is what happens in the vast majority of cases) and then breaks up with you. Is that what you really want? Or would that be a catastrophe for you that pulls the rug out from under your feet?
From the outside, their affair does not appear safe and sustainable. You notice it yourself from your insecurity, from your feeling that the affair is taking your breath away and from your question as to whether he is a player. And you notice it in your behavior: you seem to have repeatedly taken pauses to breathe and distanced yourself from him. Think about why that was necessary. Were you unsure and disappointed? Were you confused because his actions didn’t match what he said? You probably know it yourself subconsciously: the beginning of a trusting, stable relationship looks very different and is accompanied by very different feelings. And honestly, can you really trust a man you met while cheating? Isn’t that already a reason to reject him as a partner for your future?
Of course it can happen that two people who are already married fall in love. However, the question is how do you deal with your spouse (Are you honest? Do you give the other a chance for a better marriage? Do you break up amicably or look for ways to open up the relationship so there is no more secrecy? ). If someone does not treat their spouse honestly and fairly, there is a good chance that they will later do the same to you. Of course, the same applies the other way around: You also give your lover indications of how trustworthy you are. He can tell by the way you treat your husband. And since you have also distanced yourself from your lover from time to time, he may have wondered how much he can rely on you as a partner for the future.
As you can see, I have many questions and concerns, and I just want to share them with you. Their story sounds like a heated, passionate affair, but as the word suggests, it also creates a lot of suffering. They’ve only been together four months and already the negative feelings are overwhelming! This is a serious warning sign. It doesn’t sound like a love story that you can really live in the future and that gives you security and trust.
So my tip is: pull the rip cord. Finish the story and accept that you will grieve for a while. It may be similar to drug withdrawal: very painful and exhausting, but incredibly important for a better future. And in the end it doesn’t matter if your lover doesn’t care if you break up with him. Much more important is your own well-being and that you become “clean” from this poison. It’s better to leave now than later, before history robs you of even more strength.
All the best for you,
Your Julia Peirano