The bad habit of breaking off contact with a friend completely unexpectedly and without explanation even has its own name in the digital age: ghosting. But what about the opposite, when you unexpectedly reconnect with old friends without any specific concerns? One current study in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology shows that this could happen more often: Most people are therefore much more happy about an unexpected contact than the sender of the message expected.
“Humans are fundamentally social creatures and enjoy interacting with others,” says lead author Peggy Liu of the University of Pittsburgh. “There is a lot of research showing that maintaining social relationships is good for our mental and physical health.” But the team’s research suggests that people tend to grossly underestimate how much others appreciate it when you approach them.
For the study, the 5,900 subjects in various experiments contacted old friends or acquaintances whom they had not spoken to for a long time. The contact consisted only of small gestures, a short message, a “How are you?” or a little attention. The senders of the message were then asked to rate how much the contacted person would appreciate the gesture.
Strangers are much more interested in the personal than you might think
Across all experiments, it was shown that the test persons clearly underestimated how happy the addressees were about the unexpected contact. According to Liu, the more surprising the contact was made or the weaker the bond between the two people, the more the appreciation of the other person was underestimated. The surprise makes a positive event appear even more positive and thus ensures a particularly positive perception of the person contacted. This aspect is usually not considered by the sender of the message.
In addition, people often find it difficult to put themselves in the other person’s perspective. This leads to further misjudgements: According to one further study in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology For example, it is often underestimated how interested strangers are in very personal information and feelings. This misjudgment is the reason why barriers often arise when talking to strangers and only superficial topics are discussed, even though both sides actually find deeper, meaningful conversations to be more satisfying and connecting.
The researchers led by Liu also found that people often do not make contact spontaneously for fear of rejection. Both sides benefit from this: According to various studies, even short social interactions such as meeting in front of the coffee machine or a short message have numerous positive side effects such as increased social and emotional well-being. The results of the current study show that it is worth jumping over one’s shadow and contacting old friends even without a specific reason. She herself sometimes hesitates when it comes to contacting old acquaintances, says Liu. “I then tell myself that I would appreciate it very much if you would contact me and there is no reason to assume that you would not appreciate it if I did.”