Relationship crisis
The sound makes the music: Help for new parents’ quarrels
A baby turns normal life upside down and can also lead to quarrels (symbolic image)
© Drazen / Getty Images
Even with a lot of preparation, the first baby is very special. Every day is a new adventure. But even if the birth of a baby gives mother and father a lot in return, life with a small child can sometimes lead to a relationship crisis for the parents.
This text first appeared at this point at brigitte.de.
There’s no question about it: having a baby is one of the toughest tests of a relationship. As early as 1998, the Gottman Institute in Seattle found that 67 percent of couples are more unhappy with their relationship in the first three years after having a child than before. Among other things, there is a lack of appreciation for: the partner: in, there are more conflicts and less sex.
A study by the Max Planck Institute also came to the conclusion in 2015 that parents are often more unhappy with the birth of their first child in the first year. Among the 20,000 or so participants, satisfaction was even higher than in the case of unemployment, divorce or the death of: the partner: in. Only about 30 percent said they were just as satisfied as they were before the baby was born. Many dissatisfied parents also decided against a second child for this reason.
Two simple ways can help
Family therapist April Eldemire tries to help families with these problems. In her article on “Psychology Today” she explains: The better a couple knows and exchanges ideas, the better life with their offspring will be. Couples who regularly talk about interests and feelings – both positively and negatively – cope better with the situation.
To strengthen the relationship again, 15 questions should help that create a dialogue between mother and father and force them to open up and listen to each other. According to the family therapist, 15 minutes a day is enough. The conversation should make it clear to him and her why they got together in the first place and help them to feel connected again:
- What kind of father / mother would you like to be for our child?
- Where do you see our family in five years?
- What are your personal short term goals? For example, in three months, six months or a year?
- What do you regret most of the past year?
- What do you think is the most important value that you want to teach our child?
- How can we split household and baby responsibilities?
- What would your ideal date be with me?
- What is your greatest achievement in the past year?
- What do you think changed about you after the baby?
- What would you like to teach our baby about relationships? How can we implement what you want to teach him or her?
Constructive criticism instead of unfounded aggression
The second solution if the relationship is in crisis: Approach moments of dispute properly. Tension and conflict can increase with a baby as the lack of sleep and time spent together increases. The wrong choice of words can lead to the fact that mother and father grow more and more apart. Studies found that happy couples often use less strong expressions for their problems. And that is exactly the solution, according to the science article. Because the first three minutes of a conversation often determine how it ends. You should therefore always avoid these four points:
- Direct criticism of the partner: in
- Contempt for the: the partner: in express
- Defensive attitude towards own mistakes
- Block completely and ignore the other
The more often that happens, the more unhappy the relationship becomes, according to the article. The more lovingly and calmly you argue instead, the better the ending will be. To make this clear, the family therapist gives a few examples:
Topic: You feel neglected.
Hard entry: You’ve been ignoring me for days!
Soft entry: I’ve been feeling lonely lately. Can we spend some time together again?
Topic: You didn’t get as much help with the baby as you would like.
Hard entry: I’m always the one who gets up for the baby at night! You never help me If I wanted to be a single parent, I could have done it without you!
Soft entry: It would really help me if you played with the baby after work or offered to help at night so I can sleep.
Of course, there are also problems that cannot be fixed. Sometimes the partners in a relationship are just too different. However, compromises can help to find a solution in these cases as well. Above all, it is important to talk to each other. If the mood gets worse and worse, it can help to apologize from time to time, to hug yourself or to defuse the situation with friendly humor.
Sources: Psychology Today, The Gottman Institute, Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research