Telling someone that I gave them an S.T.I.
A.I.: It is I, your recent sexual partner. I enjoyed meeting you on Tuesday, July 25, 2023, at Lucky Saloon. Subsequently, an S.T.I. test has yielded a positive result. One in twenty females aged eighteen to twenty-four has an S.T.I., so your exposure is statistically likely, as a sexually active heterosexual male. I’ve hyperlinked a C.D.C. fact sheet for your reference. Please reach out if you would like to sing a duet together at another karaoke night in the future.
Texting my roommate who never does the dishes.
A.I.: Broderick, you have broken the social contract of living in a shared space, which stipulates that one must clean their dishes before bacteria contaminates the area. My empirical evidence of your failure to do so includes the formerly-nonstick-but-now-stick pan, wherein you deep-fried Oreos.
E-mailing my boss to apologize for farting during a meeting.
A.I.: I wish to offer my apologies for my loud flatulence during our recent all-hands meeting. It was not my intention to fart when Kevin announced the quarterly sales. The decibel level was unprofessional, however it did not surpass seventy dB, which could result in hearing damage. I plan to take immediate measures to improve my gut health by adding kimchi into my diet, whose lacto-fermentation process creates an environment for healthy bacteria.
Breaking up with someone for being too into tarot.
A.I.: After our brief time cohabitating on an intimate level, I have decided to terminate our relationship, owing to your excessive interest in the “art of tarot.” Although a healthy partnership often involves indulging each other’s hobbies, your suggestion that the Nine of Swords indicated my relationship with my female best friend was “problematic” has led me to conclude that the sexual benefits of this partnership do not outweigh its tarot-related drawbacks. Please promptly remove your crystals, incense, and sage from my apartment, and vacate the premises by noon.
Writing a note to leave on the parked car I just hit.
A.I.: I apologize for sideswiping your Toyota Prius. Owing to my genetically poor depth perception, I was not able to accurately assess the space available to parallel park. I was also momentarily distracted by the singing of the recording artist known as SZA, whose latest album spent ten nonconsecutive weeks at No. 1 on the Billboard 200. I understand the importance of accountability. If my current bank balance exceeded three hundred and forty dollars, I would cover the damages.
Texting my mom that I have to put her in a nursing home.
A.I.: Much as you expelled me from your womb forty years ago, I am writing to inform you that I no longer have space for you at my place of residence. I have arrived at a suitable alternative. A “nursing home” is defined as a facility for the residential care of older people, therefore this outcome is apt for you, a senior citizen. California has the most nursing-home residents of any state, so it seems advisable for you to embark on the next chapter of your life across the country. Perhaps you can take up acting or surfing, both popular pastimes among residents of the state.
Telling my friend that her boyfriend sucks.
A.I.: As it is a matter of geometric concern, I am obligated to bring to your attention the asymmetry of your partner’s face. The specimen in question also lacks a sense of humor. For example, when I joked, “Lovely day outside,” during the monsoon last week, he looked befuddled. As humor is a mark of intelligence, this encounter suggests that his I.Q. is sub-average. I urge you to reflect on these shortcomings and make the decision best suited for your long-term emotional health.
Writing a letter professing my crush.
A.I.: Though the parameters of our relationship are currently defined only as seventh-block chemistry lab partners, I recently caught myself admiring the way that your amethyst earrings bring out the intensity of your brown irises (which is no surprise, as color theory states that purple and brown are complementary). Visions of us holding hands while lying side by side in a field of dandelions have released dopamine from the ventral tegmental area of my brain. If these sentiments are reciprocated, I would like to formally invite you to the Winter Snowflake Dance, where we can engage in conversation to further assess our compatibility.
E-mailing my boss to apologize for farting again during a meeting.
A.I.: I once more apologize for the uncontrollable gas I produced at the exact moment I pointed out a dip in the APAC region’s ad revenue. I assure you that the malodorous cacophony does not reflect my respect for you and our business at Guitar Center. As promised in my previous e-mail, I have been ingesting copious amounts of kimchi with every meal. It can, however, take up to thirty days to start noticing positive effects of probiotics on one’s gut health. At this rate, I should be set to present at next week’s meeting without incident. ♦