You know Instagram as the place where billions of people connect over thirst traps and screenshots of Twitter jokes from last month. With Threads, Meta asked what would happen if we took those Instagram people and told them to share words instead—positive words that could be embroidered on cushions which would be sold on Instagram.
So, what’s next? After the huge success of Twitter for Instagram people, we’re thrilled to announce that we’re developing a whole suite of new products that are like products you already know but designed to capture a larger audience than ever before.
We at Meta want to shape the future of the Internet, in that we want the Internet to remain the same shape it is now, but we want to own it. So, here are some apps that you will inexplicably feel compelled to sign up for soon:
LinkedIn for TikTok People
Are you sick of posting about your growth mind-set on LinkedIn? Are you tired of trying to make your opinion piece about how great C.E.O.s don’t pay employees on time in order to teach them resilience go viral? Introducing LinkedIn for TikTok people: now you can film short videos with filters that make you hotter and secure an interview at your dream company by participating in their latest dance craze. With GRWM videos, you can build your network as you get ready for work—literally dress for the job that you want to get the job that you want. And, with story times, you can instantly generate the kind of controversy that would take many, many posts to replicate on LinkedIn.
Netflix for NextDoor People
Netflix used to be fun, but the content just isn’t cutting it anymore. How about some drama that’s closer to home? With Netflix for NextDoor people, you can get all the relatable intrigue of NextDoor, televised. Was that fireworks or gunshots? Who called 911 on the fifth grader’s lemonade stand because your neighborhood isn’t “zoned for commercial activity”? Has anyone seen a missing, “extremely affectionate” pet snake? You don’t need to spy on your neighbors anymore; we’ll do it for you and we’ll throw in a catchy soundtrack.
Pinterest for Snapchat People
Do you crave the aesthetic flair of Pinterest but you’re just not Type A enough to commit to picture-perfect recipes, style transformations, or home remodels? Then this app is for you. It’s that familiar interface and aspirational content but now everything you pin disappears within twenty-four hours. Win-win—if your vision board vanishes, you don’t have to be held accountable for making any changes to your life whatsoever.
Goodreads for Netflix people
Finally, a Goodreads exclusively for books that have been adapted into movies that you can watch with just a single click. Feel free to judge books by their covers—or their film versions. Reviews encouraged. Reading optional.
Facebook for Young People
This is our white whale. Some might call it a pipe dream, but our best minds are working to bring Facebook back. It’s not just for your racist uncle’s rants and your live-laugh-love aunt’s inspirational-quote posts anymore. We’re currently in talks with Ms. Rachel to get the babies interested. Eventually, they’ll grow up into young people. And, when that happens, Facebook will be part of their core memories, so they’ll never want to leave. At least that’s what our psychologists tell us. Or maybe we learned it from “Inside Out”?
Twitter for OnlyFans and Coinbase Bots
This is just regular Twitter now. We won’t replicate it unless it becomes profitable. And we’re not holding our breath. ♦