This is THE discussion that many parents dread having with their children. In fact, many simply avoid it. However, the figures are clear: children are increasingly exposed to pornographic content at an earlier age: on average from the age of 10, according to a recent study carried out in Ile-de-France. Images that can have a lasting effect on children and teenagers, especially if they don’t have the opportunity to talk about them in confidence. Especially since it is not at school that they can find answers: if French law provides for the establishment of at least three annual sexuality education courses during middle and high school, in fact, the account is not there. SOS Homophobia, Sidaction and family planning have just taken the State to court to force it to carry out this mission.
It is in the face of this observation that Erika Lust, director of ethical porn films, launched in 2017 with her husband, Pablo Dobner, The Porn Conversation, a platform offering parents and educational staff free tools to discuss issues related to sexuality and porn with children and adolescents. “And today, this platform is now accessible in French”, indicates to 20 minutes Erika Lust, for whom “you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to children about porn”.
Why is it important to talk to children and teenagers about porn?
A lot of adults have this panicky fear of talking about porn with their kids. When I started The Porn Conversation, a lot of parents said to me, “What are you looking for? You want our kids to watch porn?” While it’s the opposite! I am certainly a director, but I do not recommend showing porn to minors at any time. But the reality is that children are already watching, and it is essential to decipher with them what they see. Avoiding this conversation is useless, it’s even dangerous: if we don’t talk about it, if we ignore the fact that the youngest have access to porn on the big free sites, we don’t give them the ability to understand that it’s fiction, created from scratch, embodied by performers. That these productions convey stereotypes and prejudices that affect the way in which young people will later construct their sexuality, their human relationships and the way in which they can protect themselves from certain situations.
Porn remains a huge taboo. Most people watch it, but nobody talks about it with their friends, we clean our computer history, we hide it and we don’t want to imagine that children have access to it. If The Porn Conversation was born, it is because I am a mother of two children aged 12 and 15, and I am also a director of porn films, which makes me a curious combination.
How do you talk about porn to your kids?
I try to give them sex-positive education, and working in this industry gives me an advantage: I dare to have these conversations. By talking about these issues freely with my children, I give them the opportunity to become agents of change in their community, empowering them to react if something problematic happens.
For example, in my kids’ class whatsapp loop, one of their classmates posted some dick pics as a joke, and my kids asked him to remove them immediately or they’ll kick him out of the loop, explaining that it was inappropriate. Within two minutes, the teen took down those images and apologized.
How does “The Porn Conversation” help adults talk to young people about porn? We do not approach the subject in the same way with a child or an almost adult teenager, right?
Parents are often lost, because they haven’t had any sex education themselves, so they have no idea how to have this discussion. We therefore wanted to fill this void, by offering guides designed with the help of specialists according to different age groups: for 8-11 year olds, 12-15 year olds and over 16 year olds, because we Obviously, you don’t talk about sex the same way to a 9-year-old or a 17-year-old!
When we talk about porn to young children, it is already a question of taking note of the fact that it exists, that friends can show them some, and tell them that they risk coming across images that could make them feel bad. comfortable, and that as parents, we are there to discuss it with them. You have to explain to them that porn is not made for them, that it is fiction, designed for adults. The important thing is to create a space of trust and expression, to get out of the taboo. Because as they get older, they’re going to hear about it more and more, and they’re going to want to know what it’s all about, and if they can’t talk to you about it, they’re going to go on the internet and come across sites to adults: one in four internet searches is for porn.
And as adolescents approach their entry into sexuality, it is important, in addition to questions of anatomy and the prevention of STIs and unwanted pregnancies, to address other fundamental questions related to consent, boundaries, to pleasure. And teach them to deconstruct notions conveyed by heteronormative porn.
How do these stereotypes conveyed by porn affect young people, and how can we protect them?
I see daily how young people, women, men, queers, struggle with their sexuality because of the deleterious effects of porn, including in adulthood.
Daring to talk about it, repeating that it’s fiction, that it’s not a representation of real sexuality, doing prevention are ways to change things. It’s the same as apprehending your children’s first outings to bars or parties: they are told about the risks of alcohol, tobacco, drugs, the importance of not leaving their drink surveillance. Normal and basic messages of prevention, and talking about it does not mean that they are served drugs and alcohol on a plate. Well it’s the same with porn!