Sleepless nights punctuated by crying, feedings and changing diapers: when you become parents, in addition to one of the most beautiful adventures in life, you discover a new level of physical and moral fatigue. Under these conditions, regaining intimacy within your relationship and resuming a sexual life is not necessarily easy in the days, weeks and months following childbirth.
How to approach the subject? Avoid frustration and resentment? Maintain the bond of tenderness and revive desire? Our readers tell 20 minutes how they did it.
A normal “crisis situation”
“Postpartum is not always discussed, we don’t really know what to expect,” regrets Valentine, a 34-year-old young mother. Between the pain, bleeding and fatigue, you don’t necessarily feel good about yourself. Therefore, finding intimacy again is not at all on the agenda! “. In practice, “especially for the first, between the stress of wanting to do well, the bottles every three hours and the colic, the only thing that excites us in the room is sleeping! », Adds a reader.
A picture that is indeed not conducive to torrid nights. “We wait for this happy event for nine months, we idealize this family structure. And when the child arrives, it’s the start of the “troubles”, says Dr Patrick Papazian, sexologist and author of the book Tell me about love (ed. de l’Opportun). For the couple, it’s a sort of crash test during which it’s normal to have sexual problems, in the sense that it’s the norm: the majority of couples are “struggling.”
Dialogue, kindness and understanding
Some couples will quickly regain their intimacy, while others will need more time. A time during which the desires of both partners may not be in tune. Especially “if you have had a cesarean section or an episiotomy,” insists one mother. We pay largely out of ourselves during childbirth to have the right to ask to take it easy afterwards! » This “weighs down the libido,” emphasizes Valentine. The partner may have difficulty understanding it, and tensions may arise.”
A situation that must be defused “by talking about what you feel to your partner, by explaining that you are not in a psychological or physical state to resume sexual relations,” advises Dr. Papazian. During breastfeeding, the mother has high levels of prolactin, a hormone that reduces libido, this is physiological. In addition, when the baby arrives, there is a more complex distribution of roles: on the one hand the mother united with her child, on the other the father who has difficulty finding his place in the family unit. than in a situation of desire. He often finds it difficult to perceive the physical and emotional turmoil his wife is going through and begins to feel frustrated. An often disturbing situation for the woman, who will consider the sexual desire of her partner as a sort of intrusion into the close relationship she has with her child, even when he is also fully involved in his role as father.
The key is “reciprocal goodwill,” recalls the sexologist: you must understand and respect that your partner does not necessarily want sex. And vice versa, that the partner can feel apart.”
“No duty or need”, no power play
Without this, the risk is “having to find excuses and do our “marital duty” reluctantly,” confides Valentine. After my first pregnancy, we resumed our sexuality after a month and it was very disappointing: loss of sensitivity, feeling that we will never have sexual desire or pleasure again, it’s not easy to accept “. Michaël, for his part, has had “little or no contact since the birth of the second. Before the first, it was easily every night, then less after that. We discussed it with my wife but it came to nothing, laments this 38-year-old father. She’s having a good time with it, whereas for me, it’s a real problem, I’m thinking of leaving.”
“It’s dangerous when everyone is in their own corner, which is often the case,” observes Dr. Papazian. This is where the notions of needs, marital duty and blackmail will emerge, which are terrible. Sexuality, demanded or refused, becomes an object of power, which can affect the relationship itself. I sometimes have male patients who say they have needs and threaten to go elsewhere if their wife doesn’t meet them, and it’s unhearable! I tell them clearly: “Don’t talk about needs, you are not a cow that needs to be milked regularly.” We talk about desire and desire, and if you really want to relieve yourself sexually, there is masturbation! »
Thinking about your relationship
Mother of a four-week-old baby, Manon is “in the middle of postpartum, with an emergency caesarean section, somewhat complicated afterbirth and the beginning of postpartum depression,” confides the 28-year-old young woman. Suffice to say that desire is relayed to the third level! But we managed to find a little intimacy last week, by allowing ourselves a moment of tenderness together, something that we tend to put aside.”
An effort that Dr Papazian welcomes: “maintaining tenderness and sensuality, even without sexual intercourse, through caress and touch, is fundamental. Several types of intimacy must be carried out in parallel: that with the baby and that of the couple. If we want to maintain an active and fulfilled sexuality, it is important to maintain these moments of sharing and contact, which will encourage desire.” A process that can be long: “It took six months,” explains Valentine. But it comes back. New parents must be patient, and not believe that the flame has gone out.”
“Oral sex” and “other options” for playful sexuality
It comes back even more if you use your creativity. “Oral sex also exists”!, recommends a reader. An opinion shared by another: “Resumption of sexuality does not necessarily mean resumption of vaginal penetration! There are plenty of other options that do not require tormenting an area that is still painful! The woman can take the opportunity to discover other orifices, and the man to discover his P-spot [comme prostate]and explore the foreplay.
“Absolutely,” confirms Dr. Papazian. It is an opportunity to reinvent one’s sexuality, to explore other practices without penetration, and to make it an opportunity to reconnect with others, release tensions and rediscover the playful dimension of sexuality. Rather than enduring this period, it is better to try to make it positive. See it as a second youth, a “reset”.”