It seems that passion, the real one, the one that ignites the body, does not last. It would give way to more tenderness and would evaporate, within long-standing couples, under the weight of daily life, mental burden, habits. Under the weight, too, of a communication that is paradoxically more difficult when you have been in a relationship for many years.
So, are couples doomed to progressively renounce sexual fulfilment? Is the desire that is withering a fatality? And is it serious or can we live with it? In his work The keys to desire when you know each other by heart (ed. Thierry Souccar), currently in bookstores, Dr. Stephen Snyder, American sexologist, delivers some secrets for a fulfilling sexuality.
Accept variations of desire
Stress, exhaustion, mental load, changing body, feeling of no longer arousing the desire of the other or of being an object of disappointment, there are many reasons why a woman or a man can lose his sexual desire, in his book Dr. Snyder. And although we know the other by heart, it is rarely easy to put words to these annoyances, and to open up to his or her partner. Thus, “it is common for couples to complain about the lack of communication,” he notes. However, “most couples in this situation have everything to gain by acknowledging their sexual knots, by talking honestly about their emotions.
An observation shared by Dr. Patrick Papazian, sexologist in Paris and author of Tell me about love (ed. L’Opportun). “The first step is to be aware that the decline in sexual desire is a subject that puts the vast majority of couples to the test, and which occurs quite quickly, after two, three, four years. It is a huge taboo. We must try to be as benevolent as possible in the face of these questions, with ourselves and the person who shares our life. When we accept it, when we tell ourselves that it’s normal, that it’s part of the life of a couple and that we manage to apprehend it with a little lightness, it’s partly won ” .
Do not impose duty
Another fundamental point addressed by Dr. Snyder: “a certain form of selfishness is an advantage”. And with a view to passionate and fulfilling lovemaking, there is no question of consenting to sexual intercourse simply to please your partner. There are some “who have lost all desire and who will continue to have relations with their partner out of a sense of responsibility or simply to maintain peace, observes the American sex therapist. It’s rarely a good idea.” In turn, “your desire fades, making love begins to look like an obligation. Your desire then really disappears”.
“Above all, you must not force yourself, confirms Dr. Papazian, at the risk of extinguishing your desire and developing negative feelings. It is a question of respecting one’s own consent”. On the other hand, “one of the keys is to keep a solitary sexuality in parallel, he underlines. Do not believe that masturbation comes between the two partners and their sexuality as a couple. It’s not a concurrent sexuality, it’s quite the opposite: if we continue to be in connection with our body, to give ourselves pleasure, to know what we like or not, we better understand the springs of desire in his pair”.
Mindfulness and the end of heteronormative patterns
Over the course of his consultations, Dr. Snyder notes: “many modern couples rush to make love without taking the time to be aroused and then wonder where their sexual magic has gone.” A magic dried up by rapid caresses preliminary to penetration, where it is a question of mechanically provoking an erection and lubrication, in order to be able to make love and lead his or her partner to orgasm. A pattern that controls the sexuality of many heterosexual couples, but that no longer satisfies many of them. For the American sexologist, there is an urgent need to find an “erotic spirit”, and to get out of heteronormative patterns, by indulging in a “lazy” sexuality, non-penetrative and “in full consciousness”, to be “in the moment”.
“We use these notions in sex therapy,” agrees Dr. Papazian. It’s about setting up a “sense focus“: learn to focus on your sensations. The principle is to tell couples to stop putting pressure on themselves and to have sex. On the other hand, they are prescribed a tactile, sensual reconnection with massages, to find together the pleasant sensation of skin to skin, and explore a non-penetrative sexuality, he explains.The idea, rather than undergoing the diktats of a heteronormative sexuality, is to reconnect with carnal contact. opens up horizons: foreplay isn’t foreplay, it’s a sexuality in its own right, penetration doesn’t have to be systematic.Finally, a period of reduced desire should be seen as a chance in one’s life. a couple to reinvent their sexuality”.