My daughter, 21, studies in another city, but when she comes home, chaos erupts. Her laundry, her room, the bathroom she shares with her sister (a high school graduate in her gap year): everything is extremely dirty. Unfortunately, her sister is the same. I don’t do their laundry, nor do I tidy up the girls’ rooms, but it annoys me that it looks like it. I really love her and I like her here, but I also want to feel good. What should I do?
Christina M., Rosenheim
Margit Auer:
Congratulations on managing not to do the laundry and tidy up the room. I also think it’s a blessing that both sisters tick the same way and neither gets upset about the other. Otherwise you might have to arbitrate. But as? Leave the chaos to the two chaos sisters! Here it only helps to sit out the topic. At some point, the two will become more orderly on their own. Maybe not at home, but in your own apartment. And now to you: You need an oasis for yourself, that’s as clear as day. Keep this oasis sacred. Be strict with anyone who disputes your haven of peace. If you still have too much stuff lying around, get a box and throw everything into it without being bothered. If the box starts to stink at some point, then drive it to the recycling center with the car window open. You might have to bribe the garbage man five euros to take the box, but that would be worth it to me.
Margit Auer is the author of the best-selling children’s book series “The School of Magical Animals”, which has now been printed more than seven million times and translated into 25 languages. She has three adult sons and lives in the middle of Bavaria.
(Photo: Auer)
Herbert Renz upholstery:
Nice that your daughter is coming to visit you! And she obviously brings her messiness with her. And at least she goes well with her sister – at least a plus in your case – (other families often complain about quarrels among the siblings during such parental visits). But the messiness of the two goes against the grain. You get angry about it. Check out the anger: where does it come from? That seems all the more exciting than the disorder, which actually doesn’t affect you directly. It’s happening behind closed doors, and as you write, you don’t see it as your job to put things in order. Perhaps this also occurs to you as a thought (it occurred to me): Wouldn’t it be good and constructive to put a counterweight on the scales for this anger? For example: How nice that my daughters come to visit me! That they don’t abseil from the family! That they still see their parents’ house as “their home” to a certain extent? And that they then act and rule here in their own way, isn’t that perhaps also the prerequisite for all of this? Also that they continue to enjoy coming to visit? Because maybe you can also build on this: If children have to visit their parents with clenched teeth and caution and are not allowed to bring “themselves” with them, it is rather difficult in the long term with the connection that has been lived.
Herbert Renz-Polster is a pediatrician, scientist and author of educational guides and the blog “Understanding Children”. He has four adult children and lives in Ravensburg with his wife and youngest child.
(Photo: Publisher)
Collien Ulmen Fernandes:
Your daughter is 21 years old. In the meantime, she might be drinking alcohol herself in the USA or renting expensive cars from Sixt in this country. Society trusts her with maximum responsibility in all areas of life because of her age. Do that too! Anyone who takes responsibility must also be able to bear the consequences. Anyone who trashes a hotel room as an adult will be banned from the house. Yes, she is your daughter, yes, you love her, and yet you are allowed to subject your apartment to the general rules of civilized coexistence: Anyone who trashes the bathroom and room or leaves it untidy must stay outside in future, and your daughter must be herself if nothing changes improve, take a hotel room for the next visit. Go through with it. In this way, your younger daughter also learns that personal responsibility comes with consequences. It might sound a bit uncool, but how about some house rules attached to every good rental agreement? After all, as the lady of the house, you have a right to a proper domicile.
Collien Ulmen-Fernandes is an actress and presenter. The mother of a daughter lives in Potsdam and wrote the bestselling children’s book “Lotti und Otto” and the parent guide “I’ll be a mom then”.
(Photo: Anatol Kotte)
What should I do if my girlfriend spoils her son too much, the teacher forbids going to the toilet and my children hate the garden? The collective advice of the family trio can be found here here.