Here in Munich it seems pretty normal to decide against family life and not have half a dozen children and grandchildren. Not getting married is a common option. I myself experienced it very differently in Uganda for a good three decades. Like any girl growing up with an African background, I was under social and family pressures to marry. As a result, I really wanted to get married myself. My belief was that you have to give everything to stay together. Even if violence is involved, advice is needed or other problems arise.
Not everyone makes the best choice when deciding to get married. People change all the time. feelings change. insights change. A marriage must adapt to all of this in order to be healthy. Personally, I’ve seen very few healthy marriages in my life. In most cases, when two people are together, the assumption is that the marriage will work. But just because two people aren’t divorced doesn’t mean their marriage is good. In countries where divorce is taboo, people generally do not divorce. But that alone doesn’t give them exceptional relationship skills.
I know many women in Africa who live in slums who are beaten up every day and can’t even think about divorce because it’s not an option. The men are considered the breadwinners of the family. Some families are even faced with the desperate decision of marrying off their daughters as young as 12 to survive as climate change-induced drought is eroding water sources and killing livestock. Added to this are the consequences of the war in Ukraine and rising food and fuel prices. So girls are married to secure dowries, to feed the rest of the family, to feed one less mouth, or to help the bride enter a better-off household. In situations like this, no matter what happens in the marriage, divorce is not an option.
On the other side: Germany with its high divorce rate. In 2021 it was 40 percent nationwide. Divorce is not taboo but en vogue. She’s almost part of it. You don’t even have to give a reason for divorce. Today “Yes, I want” and the next day “I’m done”. Everyone has the right, women and men alike, this country is egalitarian. I think there will always be a correlation between women’s rights and divorce rates. Correlation, not causation.
And still others do without permanent partnerships or even marriage. In the olden days it was unusual for people to stay single. Marriage was the aspiration, there were strict laws and customs, and so many unhappy couples were kept together. Lots of frustrated and bitter people. Then came sexual liberation and unhappy couples could finally break up without killing each other. Today Munich is a city of singles.
My belief in marriage began to crack, back in Uganda. I noticed how little most men contributed to housework. That they expect exceptional gratitude for a domestic service. As if by law it wasn’t her job to look after her own household, even if the woman works full-time. No talk of equality. So I started thinking about the purpose of marriage. And now, with all the divorces around me in this part of the world, marriage scares me even more. I know that the divorce rate is not a measure of healthy and good marriages. It’s just a statistic. The only thing I’m increasingly in doubt about is whether I want to contribute to this statistic.