No one wants to harm their own children. However, there are things that show that we are “toxic” with our children. But what is the best way to avoid this?
This text first appeared here brigitte.de.
There are indicators that mark the way you treat your children as “toxic”. What they can be, where they come from – and how parents can improve.
No one is perfect, and while everyone tries their best, parents make mistakes too. Often because they don’t know any better. But also unconsciously, because they may not know any different. The dictionary defines the term “toxic” as, among other things, “very malicious, dangerous, harmful, grueling”. This can apply to a role model that society conveys, to a love relationship – and also to a style of upbringing. Avoiding the following eight behaviors will do nothing but good for your children.
1. Not taking children seriously
There’s no question about it: It’s not a good idea to have a coke right before you fall asleep. Or don’t put on a hat when it’s below zero. Or not apologizing when you pulled your girlfriend’s hair. But just because parents have more life experience doesn’t mean that you automatically know everything better.
Taking the children seriously, listening to them and trusting them is what makes a valuable relationship. This is the only way parents and children can live together as equals.
2. Projecting your own negative feelings onto the children
It’s not always all peace and joy pancakes, mom and dad are allowed to cry, be angry and be afraid. And also discuss this with your children, be open, show feelings. But that doesn’t mean that anger, annoyance or sadness can be passed on to the little ones – they probably can’t even help it.
If you’re angry because things aren’t going well at work, it’s not the child’s fault. Nevertheless, it is sometimes treated like this – adults can often understand and understand that, but children usually cannot. Then, before they blame themselves for Mom’s sadness, it’s better to talk to them about the situation. So that everyone can understand each other.
3. Preventing children from becoming who they want to be
Everyone only wants the best for their children: they should not have any worries, they should be financially secure as adults and be able to enjoy a good education. You should be careful not to just focus on what you want for your children.
If the child is only tormenting itself in high school and not getting good grades, it may not be in good hands there. If your best friend’s child doesn’t like it, then no one needs to be forced on a play date. And if the son feels most beautiful with glitter nail polish, then he can wear it, no matter what the others say. Who knows what it’s good for – the kids probably know best.
4. Transfer one’s own interests to the children
Who doesn’t have them: the unfulfilled childhood wishes. Whether it was a dog, ballet lessons or a sibling – unfulfilled dreams accompany us into adulthood. And if you are too old to start a football career again or to take riding lessons, the children will definitely be happy! Or?
Maybe that’s how it is. But maybe the little ones want completely different things – making it possible for the children to do what you have been denied yourself is a nice basic idea. But no one wants to agonize through eight years of piano lessons, no matter how proud Mama is. Therefore, it should not be forgotten that everyone has the right to their own dreams.
5. Showing little empathy
“Close your eyes and go through it”, “An Indian knows no pain” or “Now pull yourself together”: who rolls their eyes at these sentences? No one likes to open up to their fellow human beings only to have hackneyed phrases thrown at them. The same applies to the children. Even if it’s hard to imagine: being a child in 2021 is something completely different than it was then.
What was difficult back then can now – literally – be child’s play for children. And the other way around as well. No matter how succinct the worries of the little ones may seem, you can’t just brush them aside. Because then they learn that their problems are not in good hands with their parents – and trust dwindles.
6. Being far too critical
The child gets a hard-earned good grade, but it’s still not good enough? Constantly insisting on what can be done better, looking for the smallest mistakes and making comparisons with other children wears the offspring down. Because if you learn from an early age that you can never be good enough, at some point you may not even try anymore. Or develops a false self-image, constantly underestimates himself, becomes morbidly ambitious.
Of course, you should motivate the children and not always be satisfied with everything. But: The dose makes the poison. And sometimes you just have to lower your expectations – only to be positively surprised again. Who knows?
7. Only caring about yourself
Me-time, self-care, finding yourself, taking a deep breath: in hectic everyday life it is often not easy to take care of yourself. Nevertheless, sometimes you unconsciously put your own needs in the foreground. Do you go on vacation to Portugal because all family members could agree on it, or because you really wanted to? Does the child have to go to bed earlier today because it is tired or because you want to rest yourself?
It becomes toxic when you don’t even notice that everything revolves around you. Because then you neglect the needs of the children permanently. So: It’s better to stop and hug your loved ones. Then you don’t have to have a bad conscience when you retire for an evening with a good book.
It’s better to question things more often than just carry on as usual
Just because someone exhibits the behavior patterns listed does not mean that the person is doing it consciously, means badly, or wants something bad for the children. In terms of upbringing, one often orients oneself to what one knows from one’s own parents.
However, one must not forget that times have changed and that pedagogy has evolved for the benefit of the children. That’s why: It doesn’t hurt to keep questioning your own behavior as a parent and not to stop working on yourself.
Sources used: “Self Care Advocates” via instagram.com