Lea uses Tinder to find a partner. But the sayings she has to listen to from the men are pure insults. They usually target their slight overweight. She feels devalued and ugly. How can she deal with such men?
Dear Ms Peirano,
I (f, 34) am really desperate. I’ve been looking for a partner for three years. At my work we are only women (educator). In my environment there are only couples. That’s why I meet men on Tinder. But I only met the wrong people. Either there was no spark on either side or I experienced bad things. I have to say that I am short and fat (I weigh 66 kilos at 1.58 m). Some men left as soon as they saw me. They then said, “I want to be honest. I can’t imagine a relationship with someone who looks like that.”
Some others stayed and even wanted sex. I thought you were interested. After that they didn’t get in touch again, and when I asked, they said: “It doesn’t fit, I had imagined a prettier girlfriend.” I felt then that I was still good enough for sex, but not for a relationship.
One just left when I undressed. He said he couldn’t right now, I wasn’t what he had imagined.
I’ve also heard things like, “don’t you wanna go on a diet?” Or “What’s your problem? Frustration eating?” The men didn’t even look particularly good themselves.
I’m slowly giving up hope that I’ll ever find another man who likes me the way I am. It’s really horrible to meet someone and be afraid that they will reject me again.
What do you advise me?
Best regards,
Leah U
Dear Leah U,
I was very shocked at how the men treated you when they were looking for a partner. It is very hurtful to hear such unfiltered and blunt criticism coupled with the loss of contact. You get the message that you’re not enough, you’re not good enough, you’re not fit for a relationship, you’re ugly.
When this happens repeatedly, it creates great self-doubt, feelings of inferiority, and fears of being devalued again. I would therefore advise you to allow yourself a break of at least half a year to recover from these verbal abuse. I would also strongly advise you to look for a different method of partner selection in the future. Tinder is a dating app built primarily on physical attractiveness. There are other dating forums that have different focuses and selection criteria. And in real life you’ll find a lot of men who choose a woman based on her character and not her body mass index.
Ultimately, when looking for a partner, it decides whether you can fulfill the wishes and expectations of another person yourself – and whether the other person corresponds to your own ideas and dreams of a partner. There are many people for whom appearance and weight are not that important. Please take a good look around the street. Do you only see beautiful women with very attractive men? Probably not. Always keep in mind that normal or overweight people obviously find a partner. They love and are loved. Many men like it when a woman is a bit fuller.
Another important point is how you deal with the devaluations of the partner. I have the impression that you have endured and taken the hurtful comments so far. This is fatal for your self-esteem, because it shows that something like this can be done to you. Imagine you are a child and another child insults you. What would you expect your mother to do when she sees it? She’ll probably defend you and tell the other kid not to be treated like that.
Tinder Dates: Fight back against insults
And that’s exactly what you would have to do yourself if someone insults you. Incidentally, it is not about changing the man or getting justice. An apology is also unlikely to come, because someone who can be that hurtful is likely to lack compassion and decency.
So don’t fight back to change the man, fight back for yourself. It will do you very good to hear you’re defending yourself. But how?
You shouldn’t talk about how much you weigh and engage in a discussion about whether you’re overweight, attractive, or suitable for a relationship. That’s not the issue. Nor should you turn the tables and blame the man for his shortcomings.
The point is that someone you meet with friendly intentions intentionally insults and devalues you. This is a very ugly way of looking for a partner, and that’s exactly what you should name. They might say, “What’s the matter with you that out of the blue you’re degrading and insulting me like that? What’s your problem?”
Or: “That’s very degrading and hurtful what you’re saying. It puts you in a very unpleasant light.” They point to the character problems of the man – and that’s exactly what it’s about.
I think that after such an answer you can walk out of these situations with your head held high. Because ultimately the man has a problem: he has no decency, no sensitivity, no compassion. That’s a lot worse than your supposedly too many kilos.
I hope that you will protect and defend yourself better in the future.
Best regards,
Juliet Peirano