A motorist who squats in the middle lane for 200 km on the A6 motorway. A movie theater neighbor who picks at his box of XXL popcorn throughout the entire movie. A “It’s going like a Monday” that comes without warning from the coffee machine… The initial idea is simple: take an interest in these “naughty” little gestures that tickle us every day. To this “feeling of omnipotence which makes us say ‘if I don’t do it, the other will do it, so I might as well do it'”, as psychologist Robert Zuili * describes it.
These little annoying things, they are legion. And above all, above all, they concern us all. Because in the end, “we are all someone’s nuisance”. On this Monday morning, in offices across France, 50,000 colleagues will arrive, proudly parading with their Paris marathon medal, won the day before. Enough to look at these stupid running enthusiasts who talk to you every week about their “run” (we’ll look at Franglais another day, one fight at a time).
The annoying fact:
“ What I like about running is that it is an express metaphor for life: we get carried away, we suffer, we are happy, we lose confidence, there are ups and downs, doubts and victories, and in the end, triumph and pride. » »
That’s just one of Jérémy’s 37 cliché phrases about racing. Normally, such a pseudo-philosophical gloubi-boulga would provoke laughter from a PMU counter (which has nevertheless heard others). But since running remains the reason for living for urban CSP + thirty-somethings – along with climbing –, Jérémy comes without embarrassment to deliver his logorrhea to us in the open space. A social space where it is much less acceptable to ask someone to be silent, so much so that we cannot escape the weekly story of Jérémy’s sacrosanct Sunday outing.
The ordeal turns out to be even worse the day after official races, especially a marathon (so this Monday), where you are sure to see him arrive with the medal around his neck, falsely innocent, but with his tongue hanging out to talk about his new exploit. to the slightest suicidal person who would give him a curious look. It was then that Jérémy relegated Victor Hugo and Émile Zola to the rank of concise writers and delivered 500 chapters on his new RP (Personal record, the runner talks at length about his races, but does so in acronyms, another unbearable trend. Besides, he is not talking about a long outing but about SL).
The most evil spirits might wish Jérémy to fail in his RP, or even not to finish his race. But the guy has the verbose counter-kems:
“ Failure is part of the process. We spend our lives failing. We fail in love, in saving our parents, in raising our children, in beating a PR… And one day, one fine day, by failing, we end up succeeding. Where you see failure, I see one step closer to my future success. » »
Why is it annoying?
After a sporting weekend watching Jannik Sinner’s masterclass in tennis, the magic of Luka Doncic in the NBA and the talent of Jude Bellingham on a football field, Jérémy’s race is not enough to ignite our sporting fiber. Especially after having already told us about its 17, 21, 24, 28 kilometers (…) around the Saint-Martin canal. The same story or almost, and the same self-satisfaction.
This is the bias of this sport. The practice is repetitive, not to say boring to follow – yes, “like life” Jérémy, we understand. We don’t doubt our marathon runner when he describes “the best sport” to practice. But it is true that for us, poor spectators, the fifth 10 kilometer race of his season, or the series of intervals for which he is so proud to have improved his “score” by one second per kilometer, provoke little twists and turns at the coffee machine. Less in any case than Romain’s breakup, Julien spitting on his partner, or the debate on annual increases.
The idiot’s arguments
- The moralist argument Tibo Inshape: “We don’t say anything to people who talk about their Saturday night drinking or their post-party McDonald’s, why do I get criticized for talking about my healthy life? »
Yes, runners also have this unfortunate tendency to think they are better than others. But is he really wrong? In a France where a third of people suffer from a sedentary lifestyle, and where the culture of alcohol is still very present in businesses, “I don’t see the harm in doing my ‘propaganda’ for sport”, pleads Sylvie , a runner often mocked in her teachers’ room.
“It would be much healthier if we all went running after work, doing a blablarun rather than drinking drinks again and again,” she continues.
- The LinkedIn argument: “Yes, yes, it’s really incredible”
Small statistical point (another love of the bad runner). “Only” 25% of French men and women run, and the average time of a 10 kilometer for men is 57 minutes and dust. So yes, Jérémy’s performances, as redundant as they are, are literally extraordinary. A marathon? Only 3 to 4% of the world’s population has already traveled this distance. So if your poor colleague can’t brag even then, you might as well forbid any gratification on the premises.
- The big victim argument: “I have no choice but to talk about it”
Let’s take an individual who wants to “perform” in the marathon. The recommended basic training is at least five outings per week, for a total distance of at least 60 kilometers per week. In other words, a very, very time-consuming activity (and we’ll spare you the washing machines). “We go out a lot less, we drink a lot less, we have to sleep between 8 and 9 hours a night…”, lists Thomas. So, when we ask him ”What’s beautiful in your life?”, the poor guy really only has that to say.
- The Gandhi argument: “And yet, we protect you”
Threshold, VMA, fundamental endurance, these concepts mean nothing to you? However, these are the basics of running. So if you ignore them, it’s good that Jérémy, in his great leniency, spares you a lot of details, which he reserves for Strava (site where runners share their races).
How do you make the jerk understand that he is a jerk?
The challenge is significant, because the runner often has the answer to everything. Tell him openly that you don’t care about his performance? “I don’t do this to impress others, I do this to look at myself in the mirror. » Tell him about your passion? Whether it’s cinema, climbing, pottery, BDSM, he may find it “complementary” with running, another of his favorite words.
Tell him about the best times of one of your loved ones? “I don’t fight against another, I race against myself.”
The only truly effective way is not to be faster than the idiot, but even more stupid than him. And for that, there is one thing that particularly annoys the world of running, the CNS (unsolicited advice): “Be careful, you will hurt yourself”, “don’t run on concrete”, “it must hurt your knees”, “you run too much I think”, “no but you can’t run two days in a row “, “if I were you, I wouldn’t eat before the marathon”, “what do you mean you didn’t run 42 kilometers before your race? “.
Nothing like it to annoy a runner. This is particularly the case for Jérémy. Because Jérémy, as you have understood, is the author of these lines (an ending worthy of Sixth Sense, is not it ?). Proof that the stupid runner is truly a megalomaniac.
* Robert Zuili is the author of “The Power of Links” (Mango ed., September 2023).