More difficult encounters for singles and dangerous promiscuity for couples. The health crisis has turned the sentimental life of the French upside down. In What kissing means *, which has just been released in bookstores, the sociologist of the couple Jean-Claude Kaufmann describes the emotional and physical loneliness that many French people experienced at the height of the coronavirus crisis. But also the new sentimental aspirations of our contemporaries in this period of return to a more normal life. For 20 minutes, he analyzes what has changed in our romantic relationships.
You write that at the height of the Covid-19 crisis, “the kiss breathed too much the scent of death, you had to forget about love”. What have been the effects of this absence of tenderness for those who have suffered it?
This crisis revealed very different expectations of kisses and caresses depending on the person. For a minority of them, it was not a great suffering, because they did not have very great emotional needs. But for the majority of us, the lack of physical contact was felt very hard and made life very difficult to live.
In your opinion, the Covid-19 crisis has accelerated the trend of a society without physical contact. Has it been an opportunity for some to experience love from a distance (online, on the phone, in writing)?
Along with the explosion of teleworking, telemoving has developed a lot. With certain positive effects, because online exchanges are much freer; we let go more behind a screen or on the phone and erotic games at a distance can give pleasure.
But after a while, those who practiced it a lot reached saturation point. They felt a disgust in front of the virtual and required the presence of the other, the touch.
Several studies show that the practice of masturbation increased among women during this period. Did it settle down in their sex life for a long time or was it considered a stopgap?
The Covid-19 crisis has accelerated trends. The decrease in opportunities for dating and sex led women who masturbated little or not to do so more. And even if, since the lifting of health restrictions, some of them have been able to resume sexual relations with a partner, masturbation has remained for them an auxiliary sexual practice. In particular to compensate for what is unsatisfactory in shared sexuality.
Since the lifting of health restrictions in the spring, are some singles having trouble returning to contact with others?
Yes, because some people think about the health risks of dating and tend to limit them. In addition, they lost the habit of going towards the other, lived in slow motion, which they found resting. To abandon themselves in front of someone is now too much of a risk for them. They prefer to stay in their reassuring cocoon, more comfortable psychologically, even if life is duller.
Conversely, many others, especially young people, do they not want to multiply the meetings, to resume a very intense sex life to make up for lost time?
We wondered if this summer, frenzied parties would take place, with many adventures to the key. But it is clear that there was no post-curfew sexual frenzy. Certainly, many French people have felt a desire to catch up with their sex life, but the fear of Covid-19 has prevented them from completely letting go.
Regarding couples formed before the health crisis, you write that for some, the health crisis has softened them, caused their libido to collapse.
With telecommuting and spending more time at home, sex life could have been more intense and some were even predicting a baby boom, a year after the first confinement. It was not, because some couples let themselves go. We washed less, we stayed in our pajamas, we aroused less desire. We let ourselves go for a while, resulting in a drop in libido. The return to normal is gradual.
Was she the telltale sign of what was wrong or the trigger for a relationship crisis?
The two. The health crisis was a crash test for couples who were already ill before. Being together 24 hours a day, teleworking while doing home schooling… The cocktail was explosive. For the others, the confinements and the curfew periods revealed the flaws in the functioning.
Are separations increasing since the end of health restrictions or are they postponed, in particular due to financial problems linked to the crisis?
It’s hard to measure at the moment. If separations took place as soon as the first sanitary restrictions were lifted in the spring, others will take longer to materialize. Because even if the faults in the couple became clear at the height of the health crisis, making the decision to leave the other is a slow process. We must first imagine a possible departure and find the courage to leave the other.
How do some couples affected by this period manage to find a new youth?
Considering that what goes wrong in their relationship is not always the responsibility of the other. To rectify the situation, it is necessary to start with a work of introspection and to question yourself. Some do it on their own, others go through couples therapy.
Has the crisis also made it possible for some to set the record straight or to strengthen the relationship?
Yes, because some couples have been able to keep their backs when family tensions arise. They managed to support each other, not to criticize each other too much. The simple fact of going through the crisis without there being too many clashes allowed them to emerge stronger from this period.
Will it generate major decisions (cohabitation, marriage, child…) for these happy couples?
The health crisis was an opportunity to rethink his life choices. Some couples evoke different scenarios: a move to the countryside, the focus of family life before professional life, a new child … Between these dreams and the act of acting, there may be a gap. But what I see is that many French people dream of a new romanticism, of moments that take off when faced with a reality that is too harsh, of a move upmarket in softness and feeling.
In several recently published works, women reject the notion of a couple and wish to have sentimental relationships without cohabiting with the other. Is this a fundamental trend?
Yes, it is a trend that will increase, while remaining in the minority. Because the great equation of the couple is that we want to remain ourselves while living together. Moreover, the personal moments that we allow ourselves within the couple continue to grow: 60% of the French eat their breakfast alone, the screens now watch each other alone, the fact of sleeping in a separate room. is no longer taboo. But the couple is not dead so far. It remains a dream, a protective cocoon. The desire to succeed in building a world of love goes beyond the forces of individualization.