“Just because he barely lived doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.” When you want to have a baby, become a parent, the loss of an embryo, a fetus, a newborn is a painful or even traumatic ordeal.
Why this termination of pregnancy, so badly named “miscarriage”, which would affect up to one in five pregnancies? How to mourn a being that we have known little or not at all? How does this mourning combine with, when it is present, the, the life partner?
One in five pregnancies end prematurely
We talk about termination of pregnancy and perinatal mourning in our Thursday meeting “La Bulle”, in the news podcast ” Wait a minute ! “. An appointment that speaks of us, of our life trials. Our guest is Lory Zephyr, a psychologist specializing in perinatal care in Quebec. She published, with the journalist Jessika Brazeau, Invisible mourning, rebuilding oneself after the loss of one’s child in the perinatal periodto editions of man. They also animate the platform “ How are you mom », specializing in maternal mental health.
What are pregnancy terminations usually caused by? Why do women have to come out of guilt after the loss of the embryo or fetus they were carrying? How to mourn a being that we have known little or not at all? How do you live with this loss as a woman, as a life partner, as a couple or as a family? These are questions from our interview with Lory Zéphyr. Good listening !
Suffering from “a bereavement that is not recognized by others”
Why speak of “invisible” mourning? Lory Zéphyr responds by returning to her clinical practice. “When I meet patients, [je leur demande] how many children they have, if they have already had miscarriages, perinatal bereavements. “Yes, we have already lost one” (…). Sometimes bereaved parents don’t necessarily say so up front. The fact that it is invisible shows how much there can be a great suffering to experience a mourning that is not recognized, seen, underlined by others. »
While one in five pregnancies would end before term, the phenomenon is little expressed. “Around you today, it’s impossible that there isn’t someone who hasn’t experienced perinatal bereavement. Except that it’s not said, named, it’s lived in secrecy, taboo, ”underlines Lory Zéphyr.
The psychologist also reminds that people whose pregnancy ends should not feel guilty. “Woman tries to find some meaning, somewhere [alors que] it is a combination of often unknown, unpredictable circumstances. And that’s what’s scary. Because if you tell me that you don’t know what happened to this pregnancy, to the next pregnancy, I’m going to be scared (….) because I don’t have an answer on what I should do differently “. To listen to the rest of this ten-minute interview, it’s in the player above.
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