“How are you really?” – a question that we ask our partner far too rarely. Instead we talk about the household or the television program. Ten questions for more depth in the relationship.
How well do you know your partner? Most of us would probably answer this question something like: “Inside and out. We’re best friends. He tells me everything.” But is that really true? Most of the time, after the first phase of euphoric infatuation, we stop asking the really important and profound questions and instead talk about banalities like the household or the news. Simply because we assume that we already know what’s going on with our partner – as close as we are.
So it’s somewhat normal that at some point we no longer philosophize about God and the world with our loved ones every day. There’s nothing wrong with that either. Sometimes, however, couples lose the connection to each other because the depth is gradually lost. We could easily change that by not losing curiosity about each other – and sometimes asking questions that look behind the facade. Relationship coach Carolyn Litzbarski says this in an interview with star: “The inner world of our partner is so much more multifaceted than we realize, we just have to keep daring to explore it again and again.”
Your specific tip: Ask questions again and again – and listen to your partner without bias. This gives each other the opportunity to surprise each other again and get to know each other (even) better. If you can’t immediately think of something you’ve always wanted to ask your partner, we have a few ideas.
Communication in relationships: ten questions for a more intimate connection
How are you really?
A question that unfortunately often degenerates into an empty phrase. It’s worth taking them more seriously again and not letting yourself be fobbed off with a “Good. Thank you” – we usually have much more complex feelings than just good or bad.
What do you think?
When we have known a person for a long time, we mistakenly think that we already know their views. So we don’t ask anymore. We don’t know anyone by heart, not even ourselves – because we are all constantly changing.
What moves you currently?
Climate crisis, war, inflation – we are all dealing with the same problems, it often seems. But perhaps your partner is currently thinking about a completely different matter. It’s worth asking here so that you can share in the things that are important in your loved one’s life.
What dream would you like to fulfill next?
Why? Quite simply: dreaming together is good, creates connection and allows a couple to look into the future together. It gets even better when the dreams are fulfilled together or the partners can support each other in doing so.
What would you like to take more time for?
Speaking of support: You can signal this not only when it comes to the big issues in life, but also in everyday life. Sometimes hobbies get lost in the chaos of appointments and your own needs are neglected. Anyone who knows this can help their partner find appropriate freedom.
Is there something you like in ours? Relationship missing?
Of course, it can also happen that something is missing within the couple relationship. Maybe time together, maybe freedom; sometimes there is a lack of appreciation, sometimes there is support in the household – or you wish you had more passion in bed again. The following applies here: If you don’t ask, you will (unfortunately often) remain stupid.
What have I particularly hurt you with this year?
Not every conversation is enjoyable. Sometimes you have to look specifically at where it hurts. They don’t have to be major injuries, even small blows can hurt the other person more than we realize. It is therefore worth continuing to exchange ideas here in order to sharpen our awareness of one another.
What have I made you happy with lately?
Of course the whole thing also works the other way around. If we know which small gestures and words really stick in our partner’s memory, we can actively do something to cultivate a more loving relationship with one another. And yes, it’s worth it even if everything is already rosy.
What do you value most about our relationship?
Growing together, with each other and with each other, is what makes a healthy relationship for many people. But what are the other pillars of your own partnership? We often forget what is special about us. It’s high time to reflect on our shared strengths again.
What shared memory do you like to think back on?
Studies even show that reminiscing together makes us happier. As a couple, you usually look back nostalgically on a whole range of treasures that are always waiting to be discovered. Who knows, maybe your partner would like to go back to a time that you don’t even think about? Or you can remember the first time you fell in love together – and get the butterflies in your stomach flying again.