Many young men want a relationship. In short videos on TikTok and Instagram, “dating coaches” pretend to help. The methods are questionable and even dangerous.
“Hey, quick question :),” Lasse Landeck writes to people who are new to his account on Instagram. There are now almost 60,000 people, and more than 100,000 on TikTok. But he doesn’t write the question. Not at all. He probably means a query like “What is the question?” provoke.
26-year-old Landeck’s accounts are among the largest of self-proclaimed “dating coaches” in Germany. There are thousands of videos on Instagram and TikTok in which men like him give other men tips that they could use to conquer the women of their dreams. Apparently it’s about great love.
Finding them is becoming increasingly difficult. Many people get to know each other through apps. On average, a person has to be introduced to 291 people there, which is called “matching” there, before they get into a relationship – according to a report by the German Economic Institute (IW).
Couples therapist Johanna Degen calls this a crisis of encounters: “Dating coaches really notice that people are hungry for encounters, but are challenged to satisfy this need.”
“Women in bed in under 30 minutes”
The coaches supposedly offer help in short videos. Everything can work quickly and easily. The coach Charly Imsel presents in a video how you can “get women into bed in under 30 minutes”.
Lasse Landeck explains in other videos which women you should and shouldn’t meet. For example, women who are only friends with men would have a bad character. If you meet women who often party in the club, you should make it clear to them that you don’t like it. There they would only be “hit on” by other men, says Landeck.
Coach Moritz von Känel says you have to appear dominant towards women. He advises for dates: “Sit or stand with your legs apart.” Other videos are about how men can develop their personality to become more attractive to women.
Men should buy coaching
Sofia Rüdiger and Daria Dayter have researched the language used by such coaches. The linguists analyzed videos for a book. The aim of the coaches is to present themselves as experts on “how to meet women”.
“At first glance, these videos are about seducing women, including using manipulative approaches,” says Rüdiger. The main aim of the videos is to get men to buy the “advice”. There will be more information there. “The concern of men is intended to serve the coaches’ money machine,” says Dayter.
Moritz von Känel wanted to speak out about this tagesschau.de not express. Charly Imsel replied that he had made around one million euros in sales from coaching over the past four years. On average, his customers spend “a small four-figure sum” on consultations. He claims that his program is about finding a partner on equal terms.
Lasse Landeck and his team say they looked after more than 400 men last year. In a podcast he says that he regularly makes more than 100,000 euros in sales per month with his “consultations”.
Opposite tagesschau.de He says he has no intention of teaching how to manipulate women. For him, too, it’s about finding a relationship. At the same time, Landeck advertises with reports in which customers say they meet several women at the same time. One says he “textbook teased and sexualized” a woman at a meeting, which led to sex after the first date.
“Power imbalance between men and women”
The scientists Dayter and Rüdiger suspect that the coaches are more interested in their customers not entering into a relationship. Because then they would no longer spend any money on “consultations”.
They doubt that the tips from the videos will even lead to healthy relationships with women. The coaches would also give harmless advice, for example how meetings can trigger emotions. But that mixes with videos that reduce relationships to mutual manipulation and are misogynistic.
The coaches would recommend strategies that create a power imbalance between men and women. “In general, the coaches convey a conservative, traditional image of men that is based on the dominance of the man,” says Rüdiger. And through such videos, men on TikTok and Instagram would find even more radical videos that are misogynistic, for example videos from so-called “incels”.
Men have to be strong
Charly Imsel believes that there are different energies between the genders. That’s why men shouldn’t spend too much time with women. Feminine energies would make men soft. Instead, men should “burp around” with other men. But he doesn’t actively create traditional gender images, claims Imsel when asked by tagesschau.de.
In a video, Lasse Landeck exploits the stereotype that women are only after money and explains how such women can be exposed. In another video on his Instagram channel, he says that men who complain don’t have control over their emotions and need to work on it. Opposite tagesschau.de Landeck says he doesn’t spread traditional gender images, but only deals with the topic of dating.
“According to these coaches, men should be healthy, highly goal-oriented, active, not very emotional, rich and potent,” says psychologist Johanna Degen. This builds up pressure and hurts the male viewers themselves.
Such ideas of masculinity are the reason why men go to therapy less often and worry less about their health. In addition, this image of masculinity also affects relationships: men neglect relationships or are more often lonely in relationships.
Finding faults in women
Young people in particular are active on platforms like Instagram and TikTok, including young men. The coaches’ gender images are well received there. For Degen, this also has to do with the fact that dating frustrates many people. It is easier to look for the fault in the opposite sex. This could initially be a relief for the individual. In the long term, however, this creates a dating culture that is not very happy or appreciative.
That’s what the coaches advertise. Lasse Landeck bases his methods on statistics that show what men and women are looking for. Opposite tagesschau.de He also recognizes that not every meeting is the same. In his videos, he regularly simplifies dates as situations in which women are supposedly specifically testing men. He specifies which sentences men should use to counter these tests.
It could be a lot easier
Landeck has no psychological training. The alleged success of his customers proves him right, he says. Charly Imsel says the same thing. The two of them learned their supposed expertise from other coaching sessions.
The couples therapist Johanna Degen explains that there is no need for so-called “methods” and ready-made answers from “dating coaches” for pleasant meetings with potential partners. “Actually, all we need is our intuition and a little courage. Everyone can be sure that others also want contact. Nobody enjoys digital isolation.”