satire
Megastar in Singapore
Political dispute over Taylor Swift: Where should it end?
Taylor Swift: So big that Putin, Scholz, Weselsky and the Pope eat out of her hand
© Danish Ravi/Zuma Press/dpa-Bildfunk
Where Taylor Swift performs on her world tour, hotel prices and the gross national product increase. In Asia, this has even led to a serious dispute between the heads of state – yes, where is the Swift mania supposed to end? We bet: in Siberia. And on Mars.
Thailand’s Prime Minister didn’t like that at all. Played a few days ago Taylor Swift held six concerts in neighboring Singapore, in front of a total of 300,000 people. A good two thirds of the fans traveled from other Southeast Asian countries, which brought an estimated 370 million euros into the coffers of the island state of Singapore. On average, each fan is said to have spent $800 to attend the concert, and the prices for plane tickets to Singapore alone exploded by 186 percent. China, the Philippines, Thailand and other countries in the region are left empty-handed.
So it’s only logical that Thailand’s Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin now accused Singapore’s government of using unfair means. Singapore is said to have offered Taylor Swift three million dollars extra for each of the six appearances – on the condition that she does not appear in any of the neighboring countries. Singapore’s Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong didn’t want to let that happen: Of course, such a deal was concluded with Swift, but it wasn’t meant as a hostile act.
Where should the eternal excitement about the megastar end?
Maybe only in the holiest of all halls.
Siberia is to become Swiftland
Reliable sources have now leaked documents to us that show how massively state leaders, entrepreneurs and even the Pope are trying to harness Swift for their political and economic goals – in exchange for unprecedented fees.
Vladimir Putin offered the American woman a billion dollars and half of Ukraine as well. Swift is scheduled to play a year-long concert series in Vladivostok. The confidential Kremlin papers say: “We expect around ten million fans to stay in the region for a year. An important step towards colonizing the wasteland of Siberia.” Great, Putin!
Our Chancellor, who is always concerned about the climate, is looking forward to Swift’s summer tour through Germany with concern. Leaks from the Chancellery confirm Scholz’s fear that the arrival of millions of fans could unbalance our planet, shift the earth’s axis and perhaps even change the seasons. This is also why he is said to have offered her 5,000 Bundeswehr helmets from remaining stocks if she canceled the tour. Otherwise, he will declare a “turn of sides” and call on China’s people to balance the migration and lean east for the duration of the tour. Great, Scholz!
The Pope wants the superstar for an Easter concert
Pope Francis has also made an offer to Taylor Swift, according to Vatican sources. In exchange for a 50 percent share in the collection, she should play in front of St. Peter’s Basilica at Easter. Namely unplugged – as a correspondence to the immaculate conception. The leader of all Catholics is hoping for a better image after abuse scandals and waves of people leaving the church. Quote Francis: “Otherwise help us Swift… er, God!” Fancy, Franz!
Claus Weselsky, head of the train drivers’ union, wants to use Taylor Swift as a secret weapon in the coming strikes. In fact, it would be difficult for the mega-star to avoid being wooed by the stubborn mustachioed man: He offers her nothing less than a pay increase of 55 euros, while at the same time reducing working hours to 35 hours per week. To do this, Taylor Swift should check the tickets on the Grunow-Dammendorf – Eisenhüttenstadt route at least once. “We hope that this will result in a complete collapse of German rail traffic from which our country will never recover. Much better than strike!” Crazy, Weselsky!
Elon Musk’s offer: $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
As always, US entrepreneur Elon Musk shoots the bird. After all, he has experience with that. For the incredible sum of a quadrillion dollars – that’s a number with 24 zeros – he would like to hire Taylor Swift for his company SpaceX and shoot her to Mars, where the musician will then spend the rest of her life. “I expect a real push for myself and SpaceX,” said the eccentric in the document. “Billions of fans will follow her, which would also solve the problem of overpopulation. And if you don’t think that’s great, you can call me!” Do it, Musk!