column
Pearls of Kremlin propaganda
An almost perfect assassination plan – or if the FSB watches too much Netflix
© picture alliance/dpa/TASS | Sergei Karpukhin
The Kremlin spreads propaganda day after day. In the new column we present the most macabre, bizarre or perfidious gems from the propagandists’ workshop. This time: the attack on Vladimir Solovyov.
They are masked, heavily armored, weapons at the ready: on a day in April, seven men from the FSB set out to dismantle a neo-Nazi terrorist cell in the middle of Moscow. You have to prevent an assassination attempt on one of the most famous faces of Russian state television. One, two, three, four, five – one of the secret service agents bangs his fist on an apartment door. The assassins are hiding behind them. A fraction of a second passes and the door swings open. The words “Open up” echo through the dark stairwell. And then the FSB squad stormed the conspirators’ headquarters.
Men are thrown to the ground and gagged; the failed assassins led away with their faces covered. A pistol, Molotov cocktails in plastic bottles and a bar of soap with the coat of arms of Ukraine are presented as silent witnesses to the murder plans. The FSB spread the incriminating material on the bed: T-shirts with swastikas, right-wing literature, a green wig and Sims 3 games.
Moment. Sims games? Wig? Molotov cocktails in plastic bottles?
The Nazi Terrorist Starter Pack
Yes, this is the evidence of the FSB, which the domestic intelligence service of Russia presents to the public. The recordings are distributed via the state media. They proudly announce: “The investigative committee of the Russian Federation has arrested a group of members of the neo-Nazi terrorist organization National Socialism/White Power, which is banned in Russia. Russian citizens, on the orders of the Security Service of Ukraine, have committed the murder of a public figure (. ..) planned.” We’re talking about the propagandist Vladimir Solovyov, the Kremlin’s dripping mouthpiece.
The FSB’s haul: improvised explosive devices, eight Molotov cocktails, six PM pistols, a sawed-off hunting rifle, an RGD-5 grenade, more than a thousand rounds of various calibers, narcotics, forged Ukrainian passports, a mini meth-making lab, nationalist literature and a photo of Adolf Hitler.
The arrested men immediately admit that they had planned an attack on Solovyov. His car was about to be blown up. Dressed in a prison uniform, one of the conspirators confesses to having planned the murder of half a dozen other Kremlin propagandists. Other secret services around the world can only dream of a terrorist who makes such outspoken confessions. The FSB not only gets their hands on an extremely talkative assassin, but also one who is already suitably dressed. In fact, only those who have already been found guilty by a court wear prison uniforms. But someone has taken care of that.
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Masterpiece of dilettantism
However, the FSB has no eye for such subtleties. And so a new masterpiece of dilettantism is created. Nazis from the picture book as would-be assassins: the imagination of the Russian secret service agents is not enough for more. A proof film is presented that beats even the most nonsensical Netflix production by far.
And so a new competition has flared up in Russia: Find the most mistakes!
Goof number 1
The horrifying script reveals itself at the first knock. Literally. The model Nazi terrorists must have been longingly awaiting the storm troopers. The FSB man barely manages to tear his thundering fist away from the door before the would-be assassins open the door. Too fast even for the initiated.
Goof number 2
The apartment door has long been open, only then do the calls “Open up!” ring out. It must have been in the script. And the text was learned.
Goof number 3
Anyone planning a right-wing extremist attack naturally needs a photo of Hitler, swastika shirts and banned literature in the conspirators’ cave. How else would the FSB know what you’re up to?
Goof number 4
A Molotov cocktail in a plastic bottle will not blow up a car, including Solovyov’s. Apparently nobody told the FSB that. Molotov cocktails only work in glass bottles as they shatter on impact.
Flaw number 5
Why do assassins with Russian citizenship acting on behalf of Ukraine need fake Ukrainian passports and a bar of soap with the coat of arms of Ukraine? For the same reason Nazis need a Hitler photo. And a long-haired green wig for inconspicuous camouflage.
Goof number 6
A conclusive laying is the be-all and end-all of an operation. The FSB simply does without one and has one of the captured assassins say that he was present at meetings in January where attacks on cars with “symbolism in support of the special operation” were discussed. Not only that the so-called special operation only started on February 24th. The man who aspires to be an ultranationalist terrorist on behalf of the Ukrainian government uses vocabulary dictated by the Kremlin. The order to remove the word war from the vocabulary
Goof number 7
Sims video games, along with swastikas and swastikas, have recently become part of the Nazi terrorists’ starter kit. The FSB mixes three copies with the meaningful evidence. At this point there is only one question in your head: Why?
The probably simple solution: Sim cards should perhaps be mixed with the evidence. But the instructions were misunderstood, and harmless video games ended up on the evidence pile instead. That can happen to the FSB.
At least this embarrassment seems obvious to the Russian authorities. The Sims games have now been defaced in the official videos – along with the swastikas.