I gave my old cell phone to my daughter who is 11. Because it’s still on my contract, all the text messages she gets are also received on my cell phone. So I can read them all, which I think is right at that age. My daughter knows that and doesn’t like it at all. But isn’t that better than secretly reading her friends’ messages on her phone when she’s sleeping? Martina S., Hamburg
Margit Auer:
Margaret Auer is the author of the best-selling children’s book series “The School of Magical Animals”, which has now been printed more than seven million times and translated into 25 languages. She has three sons, almost all grown up, and lives in the middle of Bavaria.
(Photo: Auer)
But hello! Who does that, secretly read messages on someone else’s cell phone? Really nobody. Except spies, jealous spouses, suspicious business partners. Let it! If you want to know what your daughter is discussing with her friends, ask her. If you are told something, that is a vote of confidence. Chat about what’s coming up at breakfast, rant about what was stupid at dinner. Enjoy the shared everyday life. When you spy, you almost provoke secrecy. That pollutes the atmosphere. I can’t even imagine how living together works for you. Are you a control freak? Do you always want to know everything? Do you check your homework, attend every teacher’s office hour, march into the children’s room without knocking? It’s nice to be a part of your child’s life, but you should allow them a few freedoms (and secrets).
Herbert Renz upholstery:
Herbert Renz upholstery is a pediatrician, scientist and author of parenting guides and the blog “Understanding Children”. He has four adult children and lives in Ravensburg with his wife and youngest child.
(Photo: Random House)
I agree with you that it is better to play open-handed in surveillance than to secretly read along at night. But I see a problem with your plan in general. It shows that you distrust your daughter in a way, that you assume that she would do something bad, dangerous or reprehensible if she is not checked. From my point of view, this is not a good basis for your cooperation on the way to the independence of the child. Your daughter will continue to feel treated like a small child and will take the lack of trust as an insult. And that certainly does not create the climate that you will need in the family for the hike through puberty. Children also need their own space in which they can share secrets or just their newly invented or discovered things – without fear of judgment and misunderstandings from adults. Would you have wanted your parents to look at your diary earlier? Do you want to miss out on your own moments with your girlfriends? It would be better if you practiced open exchange with your daughter, this is the only way to create a channel through which your daughter can reach you when she really needs you. This exchange is based on trust, it only works if you can both look each other in the eyes.
Collien Ulmen Fernandes:
Collien Ulmen Fernandes is an actress and presenter. The mother of a daughter lives in Potsdam and wrote the bestselling children’s book “Lotti und Otto” and the parent guide “I’ll be a mom then”.
(Photo: Anatol Kotte)
You are reading the private conversations of your eleven-year-old daughter on your own mobile phone. She doesn’t like that. And now you’re asking if reading your daughter’s text messages wouldn’t be better than sneaking a peek at her cell phone at night. So you would like to discuss whether the open breach of trust is better than the hidden one? I cannot enter this debate room as I stumble upon the outrageous invasion of your child’s privacy at the doorstep. What interests you when Paul jokes about Grete again, whether Oskar stinks or what the class writes about Camila Cabello’s new album? What is the use of getting into the minds of your daughter and her friends? Do you satisfy your curiosity or do you think you can protect your daughter from arguments or difficult issues? Just like riding a bike, children have to learn their social behavior and how to balance their social position on their own – training wheels off and off we go. You can’t keep running alongside. Nor can you control what insults are shouted at your daughter in the schoolyard and what she uses to parry them. That’s a good thing and also applies to digital communication: the SMS chat is the virtual exchange of blows in the playground. And that’s none of your business. It belongs to your daughter. Here she tries things out, from here she undertakes excursions into her self-determination, possibly sharing secrets that she doesn’t want to confide in you. She’s entitled to that. Whether secretly or openly: if you read your daughter’s correspondence, you behave in an abusive manner and jeopardize the most important thing that you and your child share: trust!