The Wiesn is the relationship between people and beer. This can be observed in all its forms at the Oktoberfest. The obsessive infatuation with which a youngster swallows his beer on the bench in one gulp, the relaxed love in which the relationship is nurtured sip by sip at a moderate pace, and also the ugly end of a relationship in which the person gulps the beer back out of his stomach, wishing he had never drunk it.
Common to every human-beer relationship at the Oktoberfest is that the beer is enjoyed from a beer mug. The attitude in which a person brings himself to his beer says a lot about him and his relationship.
The clinging one
Most people grab their beer by slipping their hand through the mug’s handle and positioning their thumb on top. Above all, it is a practical and secure attitude that man adopts here. The beer cannot escape it, and it can be lifted at any time to toast other human-beer couples. This position clearly testifies: I dominate the beer, not the beer me, while the posture also reveals a weakness. Namely the fear that his beer could cheat on another person at any time.
The by-the-rule drinker
The correct posture at the Masskrug is to only enclose the handle with your hand. In this way, the connoisseur avoids bruising the fingertips when toasting, swinging with other people-beer pairings. And the beloved beer keeps its cool feel-good temperature. At the same time, he proves his strength with the larger distance, because it takes more strength to lift the mass just by the handle. A winner across the board. One might think so.
However, the man who loves by the book is not characterized by special creativity. He tends to share his relational knowledge with others in an instructive manner. It may be that soon thereafter there will be no one left to toast.
The hugger
It is a desperate love that the embracer reveals. He only exists in a half-recumbent position, his head propped on the beer mug, his arms wrapped around the beer. I don’t know how to make love to you anymore, his position says. In the beginning it worked so well for us. While the beer doesn’t care about anything, love is obviously not good for the hugger, even for outsiders.
You can already foresee what the hugger may not yet realize: his relationship with the beer could end in a sudden expulsion. For example, when the stewards forcibly separate him from his beer, or when he himself stages an ugly farewell outside on the festival grounds.
The one who grabs with both hands
It reveals such ignorance of how the grabber tries to take a stand that people in a stable beer relationship can hardly look. Ignoring the handle, he encloses the jug in both hands, bringing it to his lips. What is supposed to bring security only harbors the danger that the mug could slip out of your hand in the beer tent shoving; an abrupt, ugly end to the relationship, when both would have been ready for more.
The position can mostly be observed in young contemporaries who have never gotten an elbow in the back from the man behind them while standing on the bench. Sometimes with show-offs, too, who drink their mug empty in one gulp in full view of everyone. In both cases, one can grow from bad experiences and prove to be a better partner in the next relationship.
The embellishment
The embellisher reveals a certain fetish, who first has to embellish his object of desire. Only then can he enjoy the beer; the exact position is irrelevant. The most common form of decoration is the collar, which is solemnly placed around the handle or the entire beer mug. The fetish goes hand in hand with burning jealousy that another person could steal the beer, and often also with the fear that the unnoticed cheating beer could bring diseases into the relationship.
In extreme cases, the ribbon that adorns the beer mug still bears the name of its owner. So the beer should be able to find its way back to the controlling person even on a full table.
The foreign user
There are people who disregard all socially accepted positions in which to love a beer. They abuse their power over the rigid mug and do horrible things to it: the practice called Golden Shower is said to have been carried out under the beer table protected from view, if not even more disgusting sputums end up in the defenseless glass.
In addition, the beer mug has already been used under the pretext of making love to hurt other people. Even the pitcher doesn’t come out of it unscathed. A no-go. A healthy human-beer relationship is no longer possible.
The against-the-rules lover
The moment comes when the person and the beer have to agree on a temporary separation. This moment is reached, for example, when the cleaning light goes on in the tent. Some people just don’t want to believe that. And so they invent a position in which they can hide the jug as best as possible in order to at least continue to cultivate the relationship outside on the fairground. With pointed fingers held under the jacket about. Or tantraesque, completely without touching, but close to the body, carried in the pocket (although it is to be hoped that the beer has already left the relationship at this point and the person only intends to keep the memory of love).
Unfortunately, this wildly romantic attempt to love against the rules usually doesn’t end well. Males are separated from humans and beers. Until we try again, some other time.
Good Oktoberfest stories stay good. This text was first published on 09/28/2017.