Psychological manipulation is often not as easy to spot as some might think. Which sentences are typical for gaslighting, for example, is summarized here.
This text first appeared here brigitte.de.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, and it typically causes sufferers to question their feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and possibly even their sanity. The phenomenon is named after a play by playwright Patrick Hamilton, Gas Light, in which a man tries to drive his wife insane by things like installing gas lights in their home and then denies doing it. In reality, however, gaslighting usually takes place more subtly and unconsciously than in this fictional, eponymous role model.
Rarely does a person consciously choose to be an energy vampire, emotionally abuse, blackmail, or gaslight another person. Most people who engage in such behavior are compensating for their own insecurities, problems, self-esteem problems or trauma. And many do not even realize that they are harming their fellow human beings. But that doesn’t make it harmless.
The effect of gaslighting
Especially in intimate relationships, where trust and closeness are important components, gaslighting can significantly and permanently damage the self-esteem, self-confidence, attachment behavior and other characteristics of their psyche and personality. It is all the more important that we recognize gaslighting when we come into contact with it, so that we can distance ourselves from the environment in which we encounter it – or so that we can catch ourselves if we accidentally become gaslighters. Because as I said: Only in rare cases do people decide to manipulate or unsettle their loved ones.
So the following sentences may actually have crossed our lips or at least been on the tip of our tongues. Or we heard them and thought nothing of them. And maybe they don’t have much of an impact if they fall once or occasionally in a relationship. But you have to be careful with these sentences. Because anyone who hears them again and again – from friends, partners, parents, siblings or other close people – can suffer psychological damage.
7 inconspicuous phrases that will make you recognize gaslighting
1. “You’re too emotional.”
From a distance or from another perspective, it can sometimes be difficult to understand how other people feel and react, and so some people in certain situations are drawn to this or a comparable statement. But we cannot judge or condemn what we do not understand, and telling someone how to feel is a no-go anyway. Because when we are criticized or rejected for the way we feel, it can create a rejection within ourselves of our emotions and lead to embarrassment and profound self-doubt. Therefore, please refrain from this sentence – both when it comes to our minds and when someone else says it.
2. “You’re exaggerating again.”
There are always different points of view and interpretations, but people with limited perspectives or uncertain points of view tend to discriminate against differing views. So they may strengthen and confirm themselves with statements like this – but other people can weaken and unsettle them. The same applies to the subject of feelings: nobody has to judge or dictate how we perceive and classify something. And people who care about us take our perspectives seriously and seek understanding rather than simply dismissing them as exaggerated.
3. “I didn’t mean it like that, you’re twisting my mouth.”
Misunderstandings happen, and sometimes things don’t go down the way other people intended. But blaming the listener alone is manipulative and certainly not the only or best way to clear up the matter. While one side is said to have doubts about their ability to communicate, the other withdraws from the affair with this accusation.
4. “If you weren’t so complicated/stupid/exhausting/… we wouldn’t have a problem.”
Similar principle as in the last example: Gaslightende use accusations and blame to exonerate themselves and to relieve themselves of responsibility. What they trigger in their loved ones with statements like these – from self-doubt to self-hatred – they usually do not realize or care.
5. “You’re just imagining it.”
Another example of a sentence that, when addressed to us by someone, explicitly questions our perception. And the person who pronounces it renounces the duty or task of further dealing with the topic. But the fact that we see things as we see them and that something concerns us has reasons that neither we nor anyone else can ignore.
6. “This is all your fault.”
Do we need to say anything more about this? Such blaming is an obvious manipulation and almost always wrong and unfair. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be difficult to recognize. And so there are people who break down or suffer greatly when a person they trust tells them again and again that they alone are to blame for arguments, conflicts, misfortunes or crises. Therefore: alarm bells will ring if this sentence falls.
7. “If you really cared about me…”
With this statement, Gaslightende make their loved ones question their feelings and attitudes towards their relationship, as well as their behavior and boundaries. You are indirectly committing emotional blackmail, because most of the time the other person will feel obliged to prove what you mean to them. But how we show a person that we care about them is up to us. And to trust us that he will do it, even if it really should look different than in his imagination, his.
Source: healthline.com