J.Peirano: Why do men like selfish bitches and ignore me?

Dear Ms. Peirano,

I am 29 and am gradually looking for a permanent partner because I would like to have a family soon.

About me: I am a social worker, I am empathetic, intelligent and well-read, I am rather introverted and a bit shy, but I maintain reliable friendships, I come from a loving family in the Eifel, I like nature and I like to travel. I am told that I am attractive. I have a good figure but don’t like my wide hips, big butt and thighs. My style is more natural.

I’ve been on a group tour for singles with a tour operator several times, and the last time in Cuba there was a woman (Alisa) who gave me warning lights the first time I saw her. She looks very good, often wearing cropped, low-cut, hot pants and tight-fitting. Sometimes everything together. She talked almost nothing but nonsensical nonsense and was very self-centered. For example, she was constantly late, went out partying and then turned on the light in the double room where I was sleeping because she wanted to drunkenly rummage around in her suitcase.

One time she made us all wait in front of the bus for an hour because she didn’t get out of bed in the morning. She was sometimes in a very bad mood, especially when she was hungover, and wouldn’t talk to anyone, just plug in her headphones and make a face (I don’t know how to put it any other way). Then, when she was in a better mood, she would interrupt our conversation, start dancing around and put on a show.

There were 7 women and 5 men in the travel group, all around 30. The other women quickly saw through Alisa and kept a little distance from her. She said that she had often had things with married or committed men, but that didn’t go down well with us women.

But among the three most attractive men, Alisa was the center of attention. The looks followed her, the men allowed themselves to be wrapped up in her. When she wanted to dance salsa, suddenly everyone wanted to come and were waiting to dance with her. Which, admittedly, she did very well. One evening she went for a walk on the beach with a Cuban man, the next evening she wrapped up Max from our group and then sat next to Florian on the bus again and put him under her spell. Shoulder to shoulder, deep looks, the whole program.

I got along very well with Florian. We were able to have intensive conversations, traveled alone a few times and had the same interests. We both took a lot of photographs and made friends with the Cuban children, and we both also dived. But who did Florian ask at the end of the tour when he could see her again? Not me, but Alisa.

Alisa is not an isolated case. I always observe that there are some women who could have almost any man, and many women who have to try very hard to end up with a man. Unfortunately, I belong to the latter group. I simply find it incomprehensible why men don’t see through women like Alisa and are instead attracted to them like mosquitoes are attracted to light.

I’m slowly starting to despair because I simply have no chance. When I’m interested in a man, there are always several other women in his life who are consuming him and seducing him.

Do you have any idea why women like Alisa have such good cards and what I can do to make a better impression on men?

Best regards
Greta N.

Dr. Julia Peirano: The Secret Code of Love

I work as a behavioral therapist and love coach in private practice in Hamburg-Blankenese and St. Pauli. During my doctorate, I researched the connection between relationship personality and happiness in love and then wrote two books about love.

Information about my therapeutic work can be found at www.julia-peirano.info.

Do you have questions, problems or heartache? Please write to me (maximum one A4 page). I would like to point out that inquiries and answers can be published anonymously on stern.de.

Dear Greta N.,

I can imagine that these experiences you have with men have offended you greatly. They build a connection with Florian that is based on commonality and depth, and then he makes an effort to see Alisa again. And not you.

In a nutshell, it sounds like you see yourself as B-stock that no man is interested in when the shiny newest model is lying next to you. That’s pretty hard! Is it possible that you have told yourself this story many times and it has become part of your inner convictions that men don’t want you?

We shape our environment through our behavior and through our inner convictions and beliefs. For example, if I think that men definitely want a different (i.e. more seductive) woman than me, then I radiate that too. And this charisma reaches men again and suggests to them that I don’t find myself that desirable. I imagine you have an issue with your self-esteem and need to work on it.

The following experience, which a 55-year-old friend of mine had, speaks in favor of the theory of charisma. She danced bachata for a whole weekend, so she danced, laughed and celebrated with strange dancers in a close embrace in a sensual environment. She was exhausted afterwards, but extremely happy. On the return trip she wore old jeans, her glasses and comfortable sneakers. She listened to bachata and salsa on her headphones.

She noticed that she magically attracted men’s looks at the airport and on the train and was surprised that this happened to her at a time when she was so poorly styled. Apparently the closeness, the hugs, the hip swings and the compliments of the Bachata weekend put her in such a confident and relaxed mood that she radiated it. The message is: If you feel comfortable with yourself and find yourself sexy, you radiate it.

Of course, that’s not the whole truth behind your observation that many men are fascinated by women like Alisa, even though Alisa appears to be selfish, moody, irresponsible and unreflective. On the other hand, she seems to be comfortable in her body, dresses sexy, dances salsa enthusiastically and can flirt well (when she wants to). In doing so, she awakens the fantasies of men who can imagine what sex with Alisa would be like. One point for Alisa!

In addition, some men find it interesting when they first have to win a woman’s attention. Many women have been looking for a partner for a long time and say that they would like to commit quickly and firmly. From a men’s perspective, there is a wide range of women who want a committed relationship. Especially when getting to know each other or in the early stages of a relationship, many men find it pleasant if the woman gives them time to calmly adjust to a commitment. Or even just enjoying time together without thinking about commitment. From the men’s point of view, women who want and work towards a committed relationship too quickly, too obviously and too inflexibly are often experienced by men as pressure or an attack on their freedom. They often retreat before the trap is sprung.

And it is precisely in this situation that a woman like Alisa, who flies from flower to flower like a butterfly, or goes her way unpredictably like a cat and only comes every now and then to be petted, is pleasant in the eyes of many men. She doesn’t ask for anything, she doesn’t expect anything, and you don’t have to explain anything to her. If you’re lucky, you get to go for a walk with her in the moonlight, but then she’s gone again.

This also awakens the man’s hunting instinct. While women who he doesn’t necessarily want often try to get him, he has to take action himself. This increases Alisa’s value in the man’s eyes because he has to fight to be close to her. In addition, many men value how attractive their partner (or new flame) is in the eyes of other men. For many men, it is an honor to conquer a woman who is desired and noticed by other men.

You describe that Alisa has turned the heads of the three most attractive men in your group and a few Cubans and that she is therefore considered a popular trophy among the men. Yes, that sounds sexist, but that’s the reality. And the other way around: How would you feel if the most attractive actor or musician you know showed up at a party with you on his arm? They would probably be belly brushed, so it works the other way around too.

Alisa has recognized and learned how to play the game: give and withdraw attention, flirt and then ignore (or flirt with someone else), present herself erotically but make no promises or demand anything. Apparently this works well for her, at least in the initial rapprochement phase. Maybe a singles trip to Cuba is also a context in which you (or a man) want to have fun and not find the woman for life. Here too, Alisa was the one to provide suspense, excitement and amusement in her good moments.

I would recommend that you use your good powers of observation to identify and change thought patterns that are harmful to your self-esteem. If you keep telling yourself that men don’t find women like you interesting, it’s true.

And on the other hand, I would advise you to observe which men you like. It may be that you are so busy competing with women like Alisa that you don’t notice the men who want a woman like you. You could certainly make interesting observations here. And it may also give you clues as to the environment in which you can find these men who are looking for more depth.

I have two book recommendations on this topic:

Eva Wlodarek: Fits exactly. Finally find the right partner.

Helen Fisher and Gudrun Pawelke: Why we love. The chemistry of passion.

Best regards
Julia Peirano

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