J. Peirano: My wife and I have grown apart quite a bit over the years – is there a way back?

Dear Ms. Peirano,

I am 38, my wife is 37, we have three children (daughter, 7, and twins, 4).

We met during our studies and have been together for twelve years. I studied business administration and computer science and then founded a company (software development, application development for artificial intelligence for three years). My wife worked in marketing after studying, but then took parental leave for two years after our daughter was born and stayed at home when the twins came. On the whole, she enjoys doing this and is a social person with many friends and acquaintances.

I had no idea that my company would grow so quickly, I now have 60 employees. At the beginning I had a partner, but after he embezzled money and made decisions behind my back, I had to take legal action against him for several years until he finally left the company and I repaired the damage he caused (including a huge loss of reputation). All of this took place from 2017 to 2022. I was very worried about the company, constantly had appointments with lawyers, notaries, the tax office, dissatisfied customers.

My wife had our little daughter at the time and often commented that she felt neglected. I didn’t really understand it because I was at home on the weekends and took care of everything. Back then, we bought a house that is a listed building and extensively rebuilt and renovated it for ourselves. I took that from her as we had agreed. And as far as I could, I planned vacations on the weekend, did our accounting and office work because my wife doesn’t like that at all, and of course did something with our daughter so that my wife had time for herself.

Looking back, it was a very stressful time, I was constantly on the fast track. I slept very little (5-6 hours a night maximum) because I went running at 5 a.m. That was the only free time I had. We spent time together as a family, but there was often tension between us. She accused me of being able to pursue my career while she was stuck at home. I felt attacked and told her that we had decided that together and that she could go to work too.

Then she accused me of how unrealistic that was since I would never be home and she would be alone with everything. She couldn’t imagine going to work with three children. Once I was in China when she had a miscarriage, another time I had to leave her alone with a fever of 40 degrees because I had a business trip. That was terrible for both of us.

In short, she was very unhappy and I was in a daily fight for our livelihood. Our life was at a high level with a house, a horse, cleaning help, 2-3 holidays a year, two cars and designer clothes. My wife spent a lot of money and even bought a dog without my consent (I hate dogs).

I often explained this to her in a relatively matter-of-fact but internally irritable way and asked her whether she would be prepared to live on a smaller scale. I felt attacked because she didn’t appreciate my efforts and often blocked me when I talked about my work. She once said that my “stupid work dominates our lives anyway” and that’s why she didn’t want to hear about it in the few moments she had with me at home. When I come home, she is often already in front of the television.

The fronts have become increasingly hardened. My wife was disappointed and wanted me to go back to being the man she had met. I was more balanced during my studies and had friends with whom I cooked a lot and played handball. But with the time pressure that I had for years, I gave up my personal free time, and my wife accused me of that.

My wife started therapy a year ago and since then she has only really become aware of how unhappy she is. I have been present at several meetings with my wife’s therapist and it has become clear how unhappy we both are. Ultimately, I have also become aware that in the years that I have had to struggle, I have turned off my feelings or barely had access to them. I have just functioned. My wife has made it clear that she sees no future if I don’t change.

And I’m also at a point where I can’t continue at this pace. I also want to find myself again. I just don’t know where to start feeling again and how to do it. I’ve completely forgotten how to do that.

What approaches do you have?

Best regards
John T.

Dear Johannes T.,

That sounds like a sad story: for you personally, but also for your wife, your children and the whole family. What I find particularly regrettable is that you both originally started the “family project” with great wishes and dreams and obviously both meant well.

You have not only put in a lot of effort in your career, but you have also worked hard to finance a comfortable life for your family. And then there was additional drama about the commitment it takes to start a company. Your partner cheated on you, embezzled money and thereby damaged your company – or even endangered its existence.

I can very well understand that you got into a fight mode and did everything you could to prevent the damage to the company. This obviously used up all your energy and you had neither time to recover nor to clear your mind about your wife’s worries and feelings. They were just rotating, and to do so they even gave up sleep and largely exercise. It’s lucky that you obviously didn’t get burnout or any other illness! Nevertheless, with regard to your mental and physical health, we strongly advise you to slow down and achieve more balance.

Here is a book on the subject:

Thomas Bergner: “Burnout prevention. Prevent exhaustion – build energy – self-help in 12 steps”

Your wife has also given her all: she has given up her job for years and taken care of the children and the household. It becomes very clear that this is not how she imagined her life as a mother would be. She probably misses her job and the recognition that comes with it, and she would obviously like to have more interaction with you.

They just seem to live in the same spatial coordinates, namely in your house. Internally you cannot even be located in the same coordinate system. Your areas of life have been completely separate for years: you struggle in your professional life, are with lawyers, notaries, tax officials and with customers, and your wife takes care of homework, playdates, the worries and needs of the children and the network at home the family.

Especially when the areas of life are so different, it is important to bridge them again and again so that no gap arises.

It seems as if you mostly live side by side and no longer feel like a team or act as a team. One person does one thing, the other does the other. And both of you refuse to show appreciation to each other, which could be expressed in the form of praise, thanks, recognition or an open ear for difficulties. In addition, you have seriously hurt each other with your disregard or neglect and have anchored beliefs such as: “You are not important to me. I am not interested in you. I will not help you when you are in need.” This has seriously damaged trust!

It’s time for you to consider how you will provide for your family. Do you really just want to do it financially, without commitment or emotional closeness? What do you think your relationship with your children will be like in 10 to 15 years, and what your relationship with your (presumably separated) wife will be like? It would be very important that you think about how you can spend more quality time with your family and really be there for your wife and children. Only if you work through (and sincerely apologize for) the hurt you have inflicted on each other over the past few years (I am letting you down; you are not important) and show a reversal in priorities and daily behavior, will you have it both a chance for a new beginning.

In my opinion, it would be important to have this process accompanied therapeutically, ideally as part of couples therapy and, at the same time, individual therapy for you. There you could work together on the injuries, but also on the question of how you can exchange ideas more and better. For example, through active listening: one person tells what moves and stresses them, the other listens attentively. And then the roles are reversed.

Have you ever thought about selling the company or delegating important tasks, e.g. to a managing director?

First, can you take some time off and stay at home for a few weeks or months and look after the children with your wife? This would allow you to cross the bridge into your wife’s area and experience what life is like and feels like there. You would build more closeness and contact with your children. This could be an important first step.

In addition, it would also be important that you both do things together as a couple on a regular basis. What did you enjoy doing together before the stress started? For example, art house cinema, bike tours, going to music festivals. It would be very important that you come up with ideas together about what you want to do and then prioritize those times.

In the individual therapy I recommend, an important point would be that you feel yourself learning again. For example, you might come off the fast track and take a break to calmly discuss and grieve what you’ve experienced and how you’ve felt over the past few years. Constantly tense, no self-care, teeth clenched. That didn’t feel good! The self-compassion (not self-pity!) that arises through understanding would be an important starting point for getting back to feeling. Only those who feel good about themselves can build emotional closeness to others.

If you set out on this journey, a lot will definitely change in your life and you will be able to fill it with more meaningful relationships.

I can recommend you a nice book about the meaning of life:

“Tuesdays at Morrie: The Lesson of a Lifetime” by Mitch Albom

I hope that you can actively tackle this turnaround!

Best regards
Julia Peirano

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