Ever since her sister was born, Agnes has played second fiddle. And this pattern continues, even though both have long since grown up – and she uses Agnes as permanent caregiver for the children. How can she show her clearer boundaries?
Dear Ms Peirano,
I (40) have a very thankless role in my family. I am the oldest, brought into the relationship with my stepfather illegitimately by my mother (my father is unknown, a pub acquaintance). When I was little, she had to make ends meet as a cleaner, waitress and saleswoman.
When I was seven, my mother met my stepfather and we moved in with him: nice house, garden, good neighborhood. Shortly thereafter, my little sister was born: the child I wanted, the little princess. She was always the center of attention and I had to make myself invisible.
She got the bigger and brighter room, I got the small half room. She was allowed to ride and got a pony, school sport was enough for me. And so forth.
Now my “little” sister has grown up and has two girls of her own. And since I have no children and live nearby, my sister takes it for granted that I fill in all the time. When she wants to go away for the weekend, when she wants to go to the gym or go shopping without the kids in tow, when she has a bit of a headache (or maybe just had one too many glasses of wine at night).
Stupid me, I jump in too, because I think the kids are cute and I feel a little sorry for them. In a way they are neglected even though they have everything.
But I recently found a new job that is very challenging and after that I really want to have my own life. But when my sister calls, old patterns come through and I just say yes and amen to everything.
My mother actually takes it for granted that I help my sister. My stepfather is no longer alive.
I don’t know how to get out of the story. I instantly feel guilty just thinking about saying no when she asks me. And somehow I also think that I have no chance of getting out of there because everyone expects that from me.
Do you have any advice for me?
Best regards
Agnes V
Dear Agnes V,
It doesn’t surprise me that you feel obliged to help and sometimes also to give up yourself. You always had – as you write – a thankless role in your family.
Apparently you are not the child you wanted, you do not have a father who looked after you or took responsibility together with your mother.
It sounds a bit like your mother had a pretty rough life when you were little, and she may have consciously or unconsciously blamed you for having such a troubled life. Children are very sensitive to whether they are welcome in a family or whether they just feel tolerated. And children go to great lengths to please or comfort their parents, help them, and keep them out of trouble. Apparently you learned that as a child and internalized it.
It’s a kind of existential guilt: Even as a child, you had to do something to be allowed to be there. Just like an uninvited guest at a party who doesn’t know anyone, who feels obliged to clear the dishes or sleep on the hardest mattress. The motto of life is: “Don’t bother.”
Her sister was born into completely different circumstances. She “actually” had the same mother, but she was in a completely different situation. She had just met an economically well-off man who committed himself to her and wanted to start a family with her. You don’t write how your stepfather behaved towards you. But apparently he at least tolerated, if not wanted, the unequal treatment – or even the two-class system – between you and your half-sister.
All the more reason you’ve solidified your “don’t bother” pattern.
Maybe there was guilt here too? Her mother had a right to exist as her stepfather’s partner, and her sister is planning to have a child. But how did you feel? I often hear from children in a similar constellation (the mother brings a child with her into a new relationship in which she is clearly economically inferior) that they want to make themselves invisible so as not to spoil the mother’s new happiness. I can imagine that the situation was difficult for you.
And then there is the feeling of injustice and maybe also envy: your little sister can ride a horse, but school sport is enough for you? It sounds a bit like young Harry Potter had it with the Dursleys…
That can make you bitter, and I can feel your bitterness too.
How about imagining the little Agnes you used to be and, strange as it may sound, talk to her affectionately? You could tell her that she is welcome at your place and that you will be committed to her and her needs.
I think that’s a very important part of doing something for yourself and setting boundaries. You’ve learned to do anything for other people but yourself. Now you can use that and do something for younger Agnes: make sure her needs come first! At least in your system and where you are in charge. And that definitely affects your decision about your precious time.
And this is exactly where self-esteem arises and the feeling of being important, of being allowed to be there and of being loved. However, it will take a lot of effort to make the younger Agnes feel that way and also to build her trust through actions that you (the adult Agnes) are there for her. Always and without any ifs and buts.
And the next thing you have to be prepared for is that it still won’t feel good to set boundaries with your sister. It’s been taboo since childhood, enforced with guilt and shame, so it can’t feel good to suddenly act differently now. Still, you should. We all do things all the time that don’t immediately feel good (for example, I just had to return from the glorious Italian spring to the Hamburg winter; many study for exams even though you have more pleasant things to do; you go to a colonoscopy, even though that is uncomfortable).
But it is always good to follow values instead of feelings. So it would be good to choose the dissociation, EVEN THOUGH then your guilt will scream clamour and murder.
And how are you? I would recommend the elegant quilted wall method. Don’t give your sister your opinion (yet) (“You’re spoiled and only ever think about yourself”). It might happen eventually, but you would need to prepare well and be safe.
Wrap your non-negotiable no (the wall) behind some cotton. Justify your no with statements that any reasonable person would subscribe to: “I work a lot and have to rest at the weekend.”
And then repeat that phrase like a mantra when your sister asks if you can step in.
Two more tips: Program your sister’s name as a paraphrase (eg “Insatiable” or “Princess and the Pea”) in your mobile phone and give her a special ringtone. It’s best not to answer immediately when your sister calls. Because you have a lot of work and you want to rest (the prayer wheel), and when you’re working or resting, you just don’t answer your cell phone.
Never say yes straight away, but say you’ll get back to you when you’ve thought about it and checked your calendar. Then ask little Agnes if she feels like babysitting, and if she doesn’t, repeat your mantra. “I have so much work to do, after that it gets too much for me because I have to rest.”
If you keep this up for a while, your sister will start looking for other babysitters. She can take excellent care of herself. And then do something nice with little Agnes. This will build trust.
Best regards
Juliet Peirano