Instead of having conversations, Annette’s partner always gives lectures – without paying attention to whether someone is interested in them. If she speaks to him about it, he will be offended. How can she resolve the conflict?
Hello Mrs. Peirano,
my significant other and I have a problem that is extremely annoying.
He is absolutely right-wing and likes to give unsolicited lectures. When we’re with friends or in company, it doesn’t take long before he takes a break from the conversation to give a lecture on any topic. Be it the current political situation, the expertise of virologists, jazz music, raising children …
He then gets into a kind of tunnel and tells without periods or commas, without even paying attention to whether the others are interested. And if there is someone who asks a question or is interested in the topic, things really get going. In extreme cases, this can take two hours. Once he talked about organ donation for an hour on New Year’s Eve shortly before the turn of the year and it spoiled everyone’s mood …
I’m pretty embarrassed about it, and I’ve tried several times to interrupt him and change the subject. Or kicked him in the shin under the table. Sometimes said to him afterwards that he should let the other people have their say.
He is very sensitive to it and goes into the counterattack. He accuses me that I am not well informed politically, that I have superficial conversations (he even once said “typical women’s conversations where it is only about the state of mind”) and that I cannot judge whether the others agree with his topic interested.
Most of the time there is a bad mood afterwards and then we go back to business as usual. But I have little desire to socialize with him because it usually ends up with him lecturing for hours.
Do you have an idea for me how I can get through to him?
Many greetings
Annette K.
Dear Annette K.,
At first glance, your relationship problem sounds like an easier problem that is supposedly easy to solve.
You could see it this way that he is interested in many topics, has a great need to talk and communicate and likes to be the center of attention from time to time. Actually, there is nothing in it, and many might even find it entertaining or interesting.
But I can tell that the problem behavior described is only the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, your partner has little sense of other people’s moods (individuals and groups). He can not read out correctlywhether others are in contact with him and what he says or whether he is “texting” them. Furthermore he doesn’t seem to care either whether others are happy about his lectures or whether he annoys them (and prevents them from having their own conversations).
Even when you gave him feedback, he did not try to question his behavior, but continued as usual.
Obviously, your partner needs to be the center of attention and elevate himself through conversation. My guess is that he has low self-esteem combined with social anxiety or insecurities. That sounds a bit paradoxical at first, because one actually suspects that a socially fearful person does not voluntarily go into the limelight, but instead avoids holy water like the devil.
But imagine for a moment that you feel insecure in society because you are not good at dancing the social dance. For example, you may respond poorly to other people, show or show little interest, many topics are boring for you or you may even find them too challenging. Somebody had a baby – so what? Others have been to Crete and have had a relaxing holiday – how boring.
You cannot dance and participate because you do not understand the dance, dislike it, or both.
That scratches your self-esteem. They feel unrelated, inferior, and insignificant. If you had good self-esteem, you would be more calm and able to just watch with interest, find someone to talk to, or carefully choose the people you surround yourself with so that you enjoy contact.
But with low self-esteem, you have to prove to yourself and others that you are important. And you do that by literally turning off the music, finishing the dance, swinging yourself onto the lectern and doing what you seem to be best at: giving a lecture. As a result, you sometimes get admiration for your in-depth knowledge – and that increases your self-esteem.
It’s actually a somewhat sad and, above all, lonely coping strategy when you look at it that way. Because in the end, despite everything, you don’t dance with the others, you don’t really belong to them and you don’t find people to talk to at eye level (you speak from above).
Now you can ask yourself from this perspective how it feels when you have stabilized your shattered self-esteem through a lecture, and then your partner holds up a mirror to you and shows that you are not one of them, have disrupted the dance and that you are unpopular because of your lack of social awareness. That hits.
Please don’t get me wrong: you have every right to give feedback to your partner and it is perfectly understandable that you should be embarrassed about his behavior in front of friends!
The only problem is that a vicious circle arises: he seeks recognition and therefore gives lectures, and these lead to further rejection.
It is important to understand this connection because a solution is not that simple. Perhaps you can see how much appreciation you give your partner – they seem to need a lot of reassurance. If you give him a lot of praise, it could certainly alleviate the problem a bit, if it is authentic, of course. And it would be important for your partner to learn to be in touch. He probably can’t just read other people’s feelings, but needs to hear them explicitly. You could do that part. For example: You, my eyes are closing and I can’t really listen. Let’s discuss everything when I’m awake.
Or: The topic xy is not interesting for me. Can we talk about something we both care about, like xyz?
As a partner, you cannot of course change anything about the basic topic, but these approaches could alleviate your conflict between the couples.
Best regards
Julia Peirano