Henriette often gets angry because her boyfriend is not particularly careful around the household. Very angry. How can she resolve the conflict without regularly
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
I’m worried because I’m getting out of my skin and yelling at my boyfriend more and more often. It just makes me so angry, and most of the time there are small things in the household: toilet paper not refilled, dirty laundry just thrown on the floor. Sometimes when he goes shopping he buys factory-raised meat and I wonder if he’s really not listening to me. He knows very well that animal welfare is very important to me.
Unfortunately, I know it from my mother to scream during arguments and also to get mean. Afterwards I often feel sorry and as a child I found it really bad the way my mother yelled at my father and often at me too.
But I just didn’t learn how to argue. My boyfriend doesn’t listen to me anymore, he sometimes leaves the room when I get angry. That doesn’t make it any better either.
I just don’t know what to do next and I would like your assessment.
Many greetings
Henriette B.
Dear Henriette B.,
I can very well understand that you are annoyed by your partner’s behavior in the household. It sounds as if he is partly careless and partly simply disrespectful to you and your wishes and preferences.
Perhaps it will help you to look at the topic from a broader perspective and not only look at the problems in your partnership, but at the situation of many women.
I can offer you the book: “The exhaustion of women. Against the availability of women” by the gender researcher Franziska Schutzbach highly recommend, because she puts her finger into the wound of the system in her essays.
Among other things, she writes about the different burdens women and men have from household and care activities. Women take on three quarters of the care work (and receive very little credit for it).
This would be a first step in realizing that you are not alone (on the contrary!) And that your anger is appropriate.
The big question now is how do you better assert yourself without screaming. Because couple researchers agree on one point: The relationship quality of couples who get very angry and loud during an argument and who also say or do things that they later regret suffers immensely as a result of this behavior. Many people subconsciously have the image that factual, sensible speech has little to do with love and that one can be loud and impulsive when one is injured.
This notion is clearly wrong. Loud words, threats, blackmail, insults and accusations in an argument destroy trust in a person. And trust is the most important breeding ground for partnerships.
I have made it clear that I am an absolute cat fan and that I see some of their behaviors as role models. Cats do not allow themselves to be yelled at, hit, or humiliated. If you do that to them, trust is broken and they will likely find another home. Cats still accept a clear no, but otherwise they can only be treated with respect and on an equal footing.
So I would recommend that you change your image of an argument and only have conflicts with your partner when you are reasonably calm.
Imagine a hit Luke scale in you that goes from 1-10. 1 is very calm, 10 is furious. Practice noticing how high the level of anger is in everyday situations, and from level 6-7 it would be really beneficial if you withdraw and vent yourself. You can play sports and blow off steam, write an angry letter (that you won’t send!), Or run a few laps around the block.
Only when you are calmer again (maximum of 5) should you seek a conversation with your partner.
Discuss this procedure with your partner too so that there is clarity. And arrange to meet for a conflict discussion. It is good to take a moment to let off anger and then think about what you actually want to say. Unfortunately, you lose a lot of energy through tantrums and you also gamble away your partner’s respect if you get angry and say things that you don’t go through with. Stay objective and consistent as possible.
I can imagine, however, that your partner will piss you off too by talking about things not does or she not good enough measured against your requirements. At the relationship level, this does a lot of damage, because it also sounds like: “I don’t care what you want” and “I don’t make an effort” and “You can’t rely on me”.
You could mirror this to your partner so that the conflicts are carried out on a different level than on the level of dirty socks and empty toilet paper rolls.
Chances are, part of your anger is also your experience of powerlessness and helplessness. If your friend doesn’t try to be fair on their own, I would recommend that you to stand up for yourself strategically and consistently. Acting instead of talking is the motto.
I learned this technique when my children were in puberty and had beans in their ears. I found it very helpful and felt a lot better when I just acted consistently.
Left dirty pans on the stove? You could put them in your son’s room.
Late for dinner? It’s a shame, then everything is eaten or frozen and unfortunately only fennel in the fridge.
In relation to the example of empty toilet paper, you could also refrain from buying toilet paper for both and refilling the rolls. Secretly hoard your own paper and give him the empty roll. It is quite conceivable that he will not find it so good after all …
He does not participate in purchasing. Then it’s time to buy a lot of things that only taste good to you and to say innocently that you just felt like it again and didn’t even think about it, that he didn’t like it.
Think of a few measures that you can simply carry out without saying too many words about them. He acts stupid so that he has an advantage and can avoid work. Then act stupid to avoid a discussion and to keep the consequences of his actions in mind.
I hope you can make yourself heard in a calm and consistent way.
Best regards
Julia Peirano