Alexandra’s friend Peter locks himself in for hours to masturbate to porn. Your partnership suffers. Is there still hope?
Dear Dr. Peirano,
my friend (peter) has a sex addiction. When I’m not there, he sits in front of the PC for hours to masturbate. He doesn’t feel like having normal sex with me. He’s already cheated on me, which is how I came up with the whole mess.
He gave me a tracker tool so I can see where he is. And that started a spiral of control for me that is anything but normal. I see it all and still I can’t let go.
He recently started therapy, probably because I pushed him. Nothing has changed yet, and he’s fine with the dopamine output.
My question is: can he even get out of such an addiction? He’s 59 and has been doing it for decades. It seems to me that he somehow doesn’t have the full insight.
And that he then really cheats is the constant scythe over my head. I just live in tension and fear. Now he has to go to Spain for five days on business and I’m having nightmares. I can imagine what happened there.
He says nothing will happen, but this addiction also makes him a notorious liar and I don’t believe him anymore. I don’t know what’s holding me, I haven’t felt wanted for a long time and I’m not happy either. Still, I’m afraid to let go…
Can you please tell me if there is any chance of a cure from this addiction or is it just desperate hoping on my part?
Thank you.
Warm greetings
Alexandra T
Dear Alexandra T,
When I read your lines, the painful situation you are in became very clear to me. You tell nothing about yourself and your own life, but in the few lines it becomes very clear how much you revolve around your partner and his addiction. Tension, fear, nightmares, fear of loss, despair, disappointment, control – that probably sums it up.
I don’t know your partner, and significantly, he’s not the one writing to me to find out what his chances of recovery are. In this respect, I can of course only share a few general experiences with you. Addiction is a very persistent disorder. Addicts often take a long time to recognize and accept that they have a problem. If the addiction has many disadvantages (e.g. health problems in the case of alcohol addiction, loss of driver’s license, possible loss of a job), then at some point it becomes uncomfortable for the person concerned, and if he or she has their backs to the wall, they can (but don’t have to). ) an insight into illness arise.
That probably won’t be the case with your partner. He can convince himself that his need for heavy porn consumption is normal, that he needs sexual variety, and possibly he can explain it by having a strong (and in his eyes masculine) sex drive.
You write that your partner has been addicted to sex for decades. Addiction occurs when someone has strong uncomfortable feelings (like boredom, loneliness, insecurity, guilt) and is unable to deal with those feelings in a healthy way.
Therapists speak of dirty painwhen someone turns to drugs instead of dealing with their feelings.
clean pain would mean, on the other hand, that one perceives one’s feelings and talks about them or writes in a diary, sometimes cries out, or concentrates on a goal (e.g. training for a half marathon; renovating one’s apartment), consciously distracting oneself from time to time (e.g. watching a series , plays cards) and engages in healthy self-care (listening to needs, having a balanced daily routine, going on vacation, etc.).
Dealing with your feelings appropriately is very complex and requires a lot of attention and effort. Again and again you have to think: “What am I going to do with my anger now? Do I seek a conversation and is that going to work? Or do I prefer to go jogging and shake off my anger?”
Or: “Which people are good for me and which ones take advantage of me?”
Or: “What really gives my life meaning?”
Those who have been using drugs for decades instead of refining their clean-pain toolbox will experience extremely intense uncomfortable feelings when the drug is taken away from them. And he or she will do everything to ensure that this never happens. If one doesn’t address the root causes, such as a problematic life history and an unfilled clean-pain toolbox, drug withdrawal can even trigger a mental breakdown. Or someone avoids it and simply turns to another addictive substance.
A patient of mine wanted to get his alcohol problem under control – which worked well (to my delight) – and then confessed (to my shock) that he had been using cocaine for months instead.
One patient stopped eating and vomiting compulsively, but developed a compulsion to clean.
From my point of view, everything I have written applies not only to your partner, but also to you. This is probably not what you were hoping for. But I get the impression that Peter is revolving around his porn use and looking for sex opportunities – and that you are just as revolving around Peter and trying to figure out how to “fix” him. The addiction you may be suffering from is called codependency.
Could it be that in your life story you have tried to protect an important person (mother/father/grandparents/sister/brother) from addiction or was everything in your family about the addiction of a relative? It would be very important for you to consider your role in your family of origin. Is it possible that your clean pain tool kit is not properly filled and you often don’t know what to do with yourself and your life?
I would recommend reading up on the topic:
I can warmly recommend professional support (behavioural therapy, deep psychological therapy and/or a self-help group) so that you have support and understand what is going on with you.
A first step would be whenever you say or think something about Peter, turn the thought around and relate it to yourself.
Instead of: “Who do you think Peter will have sex with in Spain?” Can you ask yourself, “Do I want a partner I can’t trust?” Or: “What do I want to do with the time when Peter is on vacation?”
Instead of “Will he be able to break free from his sex addiction?” would the thought be, “Will I be able to break free of my codependency on Peter?”
Instead of: “Why does he sit at the computer for hours and watch porn?” would it be “Why am I brooding over this for hours or controlling what Peter is doing? And what if I stopped doing it? What would I do with my time/life then?”
I hope that you have a few approaches here to deal with yourself and hopefully become freer in your thinking and acting. This will probably also take a lot of time and effort, but always remember that the problem has been around for a long time. And changes don’t come overnight.
Best regards
Juliet Peirano
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