When Elena met her boyfriend, she found it appealing that he was older and more experienced. And could imagine a future and family with him. But ever since she found out that his other friends were also much younger, she has had doubts. Can she be sure of his intentions?
Dear Ms Peirano,
I’m 29 and have been with a much older, professionally successful man for six months (Jan, 49). At first I was a bit shocked about the age difference and my friends and my parents made jokes.
But we get along very well, he makes me feel very attractive and we also have very good sex.
One reason I fell in love with him is that he already has two children from his first marriage. They’re 17 and 19 now. I thought he was a family man and he was also hinting that our kids would look cute. I definitely want to have children and I don’t want to wait so long anymore. I figured he would be a good partner to have children with as he is so settled in life and experienced.
By the way, I don’t know his ex-wife or his children yet. The two have been separated for eleven years and have little contact. But a while ago a good friend of his came to visit. She is his age. She asked me privately what I wanted from him (whether I wanted family with him) and subtly warned me. She showed me the photos of his previous girlfriends and I felt really bad. The girlfriends were all very attractive and my age. I asked Jan whether he consciously chose young women and he pressed around a bit and then said that he no longer found women over 40 attractive and was not interested in such problematic topics. He could talk to me better and it was more relaxed.
Then I spoke to him directly about having children and asked him if he could imagine having children again. He dodged something and said it wasn’t out of the question, but he would first want to wait until his children had finished their education – also for financial reasons.
I then asked him why his last relationships broke up and he didn’t really have an answer.
I felt really bad and now I’m wondering if our relationship has a future or if he’s just playing with me.
What can I do to find out?
Many greetings
Elena G
Dear Elena G,
I can understand that you have a bad gut feeling. You seem to have had a secret agenda when you met Jan. You saw him as a mature man who had already raised children and who, with his life experience and his solid position in life, might start a second family with you again.
The “starting a family with a big age difference” model can have a number of advantages: the man may no longer have to fight so hard professionally, but has already built up a good existence and can invest more time and energy in the family. Ideally, he has also reflected on his mistakes through the failure of the first relationship and knows exactly what he wants to do better in the second attempt. Or maybe he’s making the same mistakes again.
But the question arises as to WHY his marriage failed. In my opinion, it would be very important to learn more about it. How is his contact with his children and his everyday, practical commitment to them both? To be very specific: Does he drive the children to the sports club, for example, and watch important games? Does he know who the children’s friends are and does he also have an open house for the children and their friends? And when the kids want it, not when he’s just scheduled a day or weekend for it?
Does he have problematic conversations with the children about school grades, training plans, lovesickness, corona frustration, values in life, meaningful leisure activities?
Or is he more of a pizza daddy who takes the kids out for a bite to eat from time to time but avoids responsibility?
If you get along well with him, why not ask him directly how he experienced family time and what his part in the failure of the marriage was.
It sounds to me as if Jan now attaches great importance to attractiveness and youth when choosing his partners. How are you doing with that? Youth is something that passes. Someday you will be 40 too. And how do you like the fact that your looks are so important to him?
Superficially, he argues that he no longer finds women his age attractive. But the reason may also be that women his age twenty years have more life experience than you and may have had children and raised them themselves, separated, established themselves professionally and also have a different status in life than twenty years younger Women.
He may also avoid the more experienced gaze of women his age, who see through him more easily and find out more quickly what his intentions are and what partnership or family commitment he is willing to bring.
From my point of view, Jan’s search for a partner has a crucial catch: he is not transparent as to whether he would like to start a second family. Postponing it to the time when his children will finish their studies (i.e. about seven years from now) suggests that he has no serious plans in this direction, but is just playing for time. He doesn’t say “No”, just “Not yet”. You’ll be 36 in nine years – wasn’t that the age you imagined having your first child?
By leaving the option open, he has a distinct advantage over younger women who want to see him as an experienced father to their children. But if he’s closed the issue and is presenting younger women — and you too — with an option that doesn’t really exist, it could explain why his relationships have fallen apart. Whether you find this unfair or not is up to you. But it’s time to put him to the test.
So now you have two options: you can ignore your gut feeling and tell yourself that since he once mentioned that your kids would look cute, things will somehow go according to your plan.
Or you can have serious conversations with him about his plans, what he is looking for in a relationship, the failure of his marriage, his desires and motivations, his plans for the future, values and priorities.
An observation: If someone seriously wants something, they will be happy to talk about it, and above all concretely. For example, my brother wants to have a puppy right now. Anyone who asks him about it gets to see thousands of pictures of a certain dog, finds out when he can pick up the dog from the breeder in another city and how he and his wife divided the walks.
The more concrete and evasive someone answers, the more it suggests that there is nothing behind it but hot air.
I hope you take a close look and then plan on solid ground.
Best regards
Juliet Peirano