J. Peirano: My partner doesn’t want to be vaccinated – I get boosted

Dear Mrs. Peirano,

For a year my friend (55) and I (49) have had major problems due to Corona. I work as a doctor’s office assistant and got vaccinated as soon as possible in March. Then the second vaccination, now I want to get boosted. From the start there was no question for me that I would do it that way. On the one hand, because I don’t want to get Corona, on the other hand, because I don’t want to pass it on to my parents and grandparents (my mother has a previous illness, my grandparents are well over 80). I get tested several times a week.

Jens, my friend, became more and more skeptical about vaccinations. As a matter of principle, he does not take any medicine, except homeopathy, was at a Waldorf school and is out and about in alternative practitioner / yoga / esoteric circles. That wasn’t a problem before Corona, because his friends and groups are nice (sometimes a bit crazy for me, because they consider reincarnation to be a proven fact, eat a vegan diet and therefore have quite blatant symptoms of deficiency. For me they are sometimes too ecological and spiritual ). But as I said, none of this was a problem before the pandemic.

Now suddenly the wheat is separating from the chaff, and the subject of “I will be vaccinated” is driving a wedge into our relationship. Jens informs himself in very strange forums, can always tell about any people who are badly ill from vaccinations (cancer, stroke, lupus erythematosus), and there are also some people in his circle of friends who neither get tested nor vaccinated and think her immune system is good enough to withstand corona. Jens is sometimes very afraid of Corona, and sometimes not. Depending on who he’s just been talking to.

We have talked about it often and for a long time, and unfortunately I have to say that the discussions are pointless. I can no longer reach Jens, and he becomes a stranger to me because of his nagging against politics. We now have the 2G (or 2G Plus) regulation everywhere, and I go alone to invitations, to restaurants, to the cinema. Jens cannot understand at all that he is excluded and goes to his 95-year-old mother every week without being tested.

To be honest, I’ve often thought of a breakup, but then I think again that it’s so absurd that we split up because of Corona. Before that we were pretty close.

Do you have any advice for me?

Many greetings

Catherine B.

Dear Katharina B.,

the pandemic puts us in an exceptional position and that is stressful and frightening for most. Everyone has different learned patterns for dealing with fears. Some seek as much information as possible in order to know and supposedly control what is going on. Others avoid dealing with the information (e.g. news) because the bad news triggers fear and tension in them. Some become particularly sensible in crisis situations and stick to rules – perhaps because they learned in their parents’ home that one shouldn’t provoke and burden their stressed parents any further, but rather just join in. And others become even more rebellious under stress in order to get attention or to feel themselves.

It sounds like you and Jens have acquired opposite patterns of dealing with dangerous situations. You are cooperative, do what is asked and stick to the rules – both for your protection and for the protection of those around you. This suggests that you have learned to trust authorities.

Jens, on the other hand, does not seem to have this trust and he suspects harmful intentions and effects behind the political decisions. “The government wants to restrict my freedom – and they want to harm my health with the vaccine (or at least risk it)” sounds like it. And once a feeling is there, we humans are masters at finding appropriate reasons for it – and then possibly only believing in arguments that underpin our own thought system. That seems to have happened between the two of you. And now there is a great gap between you.

You tend to think medically and believe statistics. For you, the argument is correct that the vaccination has far fewer risks than Covid disease. Jens, on the other hand, does not think tangibly, esoterically and defies the findings of the virologists. He believes, sometimes more successful, sometimes less successful, that the disease will not harm him and that a vaccination – which he would have to actively choose – would be more harmful. Therefore, it depends on fate whether he falls ill. How are you actually doing with that? Imagine if it had a difficult turnaround: Could you sympathize with and support him?

You think about your own protection and the protection of those around you. Jens, on the other hand, thinks of himself and takes no responsibility for other people on this point. It is irresponsible that he visits his 95-year-old mother without at least getting tested. There are no plausible arguments for this, because testing is extremely annoying, but not harmful. Jens risks that he will infect you (at that age) and that you will become seriously ill or even die at her age – the same applies to all other people around him. I can imagine that your partner’s self-centeredness and irresponsibility is a big problem for you.

In addition, you have to adhere to the applicable rules. You have had yourself vaccinated, you have been tested so that you do not pass the virus on in your practice or in your private environment. Jens complains about what he sees as “evil” politics, which restrict his freedom. He does not see why this is happening and that he does not follow the rules himself. And ultimately, he also restricts you as his partner: Because you can currently no longer go into company with your partner, neither eat nor go to the cinema.

Basically, the pandemic has relentlessly shown you how different the two of you are when the going gets tough. Just like two divers or mountaineers in a dangerous situation can see exactly how the other behaves when you leave your comfort zone and it really matters. You wouldn’t have recognized that so quickly on a nice feel-good tour or while snorkeling.

I suspect the issue is much deeper and more fundamental than simply making a decision for or against vaccinating. You can now draw your conclusions from what is brought to light here.

Best regards

Julia Peirano