Like every person, Maricel only wanted to be loved by her parents. Instead, they sent her to a country foreign to her. And abused them with blows and words. Can the psychological damage still be overcome?
Dear Ms Peirano,
I am a student from the Philippines and have been in Hamburg for three years. I can’t get along with myself, I always end up with the wrong men and I’m very afraid of doing something wrong. I feel ugly and stupid and work more than is good for me.
Could it be because of my life story? My parents came to Holland when I was two years old. As a child, my parents raised me harshly and beat me. When I was six my little sister was born and my parents sent me to the Philippines to live with my grandparents and family. I was beaten, jailed and yelled at a lot. This is often the case in Asia. But my family was particularly hard on me.
My parents never told me why they sent me away. They wanted to live in the Philippines again after a few years, but they never did. We had little contact, just one phone call a month.
I always had to be the best at everything to be loved. I was reminded of other kids who were better at school, could play the piano better, were better at sports. But my family didn’t support me. I was often picked up at school hours later. Or didn’t get money for school lunches or books, even though my family had enough money. I was often ashamed in front of the other children.
My parents are now also very hard on me and expect me to need as little maintenance as possible. They accuse me of spending too much money even though I’m very frugal, and they expect (like many Asian parents) that I’ll pay them back when I graduate.
I’m under a lot of pressure and I’m also very discouraged. I don’t know how to live up to all these expectations.
Many greetings
Maricel G
Dear Maricel G,
I was very touched and saddened by what you wrote about your childhood. It sounds like you’ve experienced many events that severely damaged your self-esteem and you’re suffering from them today. I can understand that well! It is almost impossible to leave such experiences behind without therapy.
Actually, it is the parents’ job to show children that they are welcome in their lives, that they are lovable. Parents should protect their children from dangers and help them get along in life.
Your parents caused you a great deal of psychological distress by deporting you to a foreign country far away when you were six years old. Children need the protection of their parents in order to find their way around in unfamiliar surroundings and to gain a foothold there. In addition, children need the attachment to their parents in order to feel safe and secure and to develop trust. Being separated from your parents and being deported must have shaken your trust in people in general.
Also, you still don’t seem to understand why. For example, if a parent dies or is seriously ill and therefore unable to care, the child may say to himself, “My parents love me, but they cannot take care of me.” They don’t lose trust in those closest to them, but possibly in fate (because it made the parents sick or even die). But if the parents separate without any understandable reason and send their child away, but keep them for a sibling (even one born later), in the child’s thought pattern this can only mean: “My parents gave me away because they don’t want me. Maybe something is wrong with me.”
Your parents allowed you to live with family members who wrote to you, devalued you and beat you. And your parents beat you themselves, which is also traumatic. This means that early on you had the experience of not being protected and not safe. This is a recurring and deep-seated traumatic event.
After all, throughout your childhood you’ve been made to feel like a nuisance and inferior. This does not mean that they are actually inferior! But we humans learn through the reflections of those around us, especially early reflections. I once watched an (admittedly adorable) Turkish two-year-old with his family in fascination. He didn’t have a minute’s peace because one of the many aunts, cousins and sisters kept wanting to hold him, feed him and look at him lovingly. And then back to Mama again, and from arm to arm. I’m assuming that as a grown man this boy won’t have a problem with low self esteem but will be confident that he’s lovable.
Please compare that with your own story – that’s very sad. But self-compassion (not self-pity) is also something that can be learned through studying one’s life story and is very helpful.
My assessment is that you need longer psychotherapy to find out and empathize with the traumatic and self-destructive events that happened to you as a child. In a trusting therapy you can learn to listen to yourself and to recognize your inner critic who probably sits like a parrot on your shoulder every day and whispers to you: You are worth nothing. I would recommend deep psychological therapy or behavioral therapy with a focus on schema therapy or trauma therapy.
Take the time to work through this distressing past, or you will subconsciously repeat the patterns of being abandoned and mistreated. It’s also about shaping relationships in a way that’s good for you. Many people with traumatic histories have trouble setting boundaries (versus their parents’ expectations) and instead seek out people who will take advantage of, belittle, or abandon them, thereby repeating the trauma.
I hope that you will find a therapist who will take care of you and that you will be able to process these destructive experiences.
Best regards
Juliet Peirano