J. Peirano: My mother manipulates my brother and me – also with the inheritance

Dear Dr. Peirano,

there is a problem in my family of origin. I (53) have a brother who is two years older than me. As children, our mother often took turns favoring us and playing us off against one another.

I was always a good student and played the role of the hardworking kid who doesn’t cause trouble.

My brother has ADHD and later also had problems with drugs and alcohol. Luckily he got that under control. He now lives in Chile and has two children. He is divorced.

It used to be that I was supposed to take responsibility for my brother, help him with his schoolwork and support him. I did that. When he was struggling with his relationship, I traveled to Chile and spoke to him and supported him. Unfortunately, our mother told my brother untruths about me and reminded him of my successes, so that our relationship is now very superficial.

My brother hasn’t had a job for ten years, but lives with his children in a house that my mother bought for him at the time. She funds all of his living expenses (and those of his children), but how much she sends him each month is not openly discussed. When I comment that I find that a little unfair, she immediately says: “You have to complain right now, you don’t treat your brother to anything and you have enough money for constant travel and clothes yourself.”

I am married and my husband and I work hard (both full time plus) and get along well. My mother lives in the same city. She gave me some extra money for our house back then, but it definitely wasn’t as much as my brother got for his house. Once, when I needed money for a renovation, she lent me money but demanded repayment. That was 20,000 euros. My brother gets at least 4,000 euros every month, that’s 48,000 euros a year, so around half a million for ten years. And who knows how long this will go on…

I find that completely unfair. I have been taking care of my mother here for years, which was not easy at all as she is a difficult person. My brother calls her and whispers on the phone, “Mommy here, mommy there. You’re the best mommy,” and she thinks he’s so easy to talk to and that he has such great opinions.

My problem now is that I broke off contact with my mother a year ago. One reason for this was financial injustice, other reasons were constant bullying and criticism of me, demands that I spend more time with her, jealousy of my husband, punitive behavior and sheer arbitrariness. In short, it was really toxic and I cut ties with it indefinitely.

My father, who passed away 15 years ago (a very lovely, intelligent man) and my mother drew up a Berlin will together. That means: After the death of one spouse, the other (in this case my mother) inherited everything. Incidentally, I took three promotional pens and father’s old watch from his odds and ends drawer. I got NOTHING when he died.

After the death of the second spouse (my mother) the arrangement was that my brother and I would share whatever was left equally and if either of us died prematurely then that inheritance would pass to his children. The will may not be changed, but my mother may freely dispose of the money during her lifetime.

I worry now that before she dies, my mother will give my brother her rental house or vacation home – or even her grandchildren. Ever since I broke off contact, she has been trying to take care of my brother and his children and also my children. She invites everyone to a finca on Mallorca, gives large gifts and subsidies for their studies. This is how she buys affection.

I’ve read that as an heir to a Berlin will you can reclaim anything the remaining parent gave away before they died. Of course, that would mean litigation, which I would like to avoid. Especially if it means a lawsuit between my brother’s kids and me. Of course, I would leave everything to my children that they inherited. Or if my mother just disregards the will and gives everything to all the grandchildren, hoping that my brother and I would not sue our own children or nieces and nephews.

In short: I already feel disadvantaged because I always had to do more than my brother, he has already received a lot more money than me and I may end up empty-handed after the death of my mother (84), although I did NOTHING to to earn that. I only broke contact after careful consideration because I suffered too much from my mother’s toxic behavior.

What do you advise me?

Many greetings

Christine P

Dear Christine P,

it sounds like a very tricky and emotionally difficult situation you are in!

It certainly hurts to be treated so unfairly: to get less money, to have to pay off debts while your brother gets a multiple of the money unconditionally, and to feel so insecure about the inheritance.

Your mother already benefited from the Berlin Will because you and your brother didn’t inherit anything after your father’s death (and, as it sounds, you also played by the rules and didn’t claim your compulsory portion). And now your mother is in a situation where she may not play by the rules she and your father set themselves: After the death of the second parent, the children inherit everything equally.

It also seems very unfair and confusing to me that the hard-working daughter who follows the rules is disadvantaged, while the brother who caused difficulties (drugs, alcohol, unemployment) is clearly favored. This is a distortion of facts and also of values. And at the same time, your mother’s words and actions also drove a wedge between you and your brother, which is a shame. Have you ever tried to speak openly with him or at least to have a friendly contact with him?

After all that you have experienced, it is certainly a well-considered and urgently necessary step that you have broken off contact or at least paused it. Your mother may only now realize that she has put herself in an unfavorable situation: she is 84, has a daughter who lives in the same city and is firmly established in life. And she has a son who lives on another continent and can’t get his life under control. When she is older and possibly in need of help, she will need you for a daughter.

I’ve heard of a few instances where prolonged disconnection was at least good for setting some boundaries and saying “this far and no further.” Your mother may realize that if she doesn’t want to lose you helping out on the ground, she needs to give in and show you respect.

I would recommend the following: Go to an inheritance lawyer and get thorough advice on the possibilities of getting your inheritance one day. And also have it explained to you whether you can demand that the regular, year-long gifts to your brother be offset against the inheritance.

From my psychological point of view, you can rely on one thing: your mother’s selfishness. She always made sure that she was doing well herself and that she asserted her interests. In this respect, there is reason to hope that even in old age (with dwindling power, mobility and health) she will be next to herself and keep her money just in case.

And this is where the will speaks in your favour: She cannot decree that after her death anything will be changed about the fact that you and your brother each get half. She can only give away everything while she is alive – and what sane and in this case power-hungry person would do that?

Second, from a psychological point of view, I would advise you to let go. You are exhausted and hurt by your mother’s behavior and you need a break. Let things go and focus on yourself and your loved ones, heal your injuries and do whatever feels good and gives you strength.

You are professionally successful, and so is your husband. Take a look at your pension together and top it up if necessary, so that you can manage in old age without your mother’s inheritance. You probably won’t go away empty-handed when it comes to inheritance, but it would be important to be thorough and completely independent at this point.

If you anticipate all your mother’s chess moves and dread them, you won’t settle down. Rather focus on what you have and what is positive in your life.

And the last word has not yet been spoken. It may well be that one day your mother will come to you (because she needs you) – or you may be ready at some point to settle the situation yourself. Then you can tell your mother the conditions under which you are willing to make contact again. Respect and reliability could then be the top priority – and of course this also means that there are no nasty surprises with regard to the inheritance.

Best regards

Juliet Peirano