J. Peirano: My mother manipulated me. Now she won’t accept my breaking contact

Dear Ms Peirano,

I, 48, have had problems with my mother for as long as I can remember. She was very moody, able to be friendly one moment and get angry without warning the next at the same behavior. She used to embarrass me in front of friends, always had fights with all my steady partners. She was often offended and could sulk for days. I was very scared and adjusted as a girl and tried hard not to do anything wrong.

Still, little things were enough to make her snap, blame me, and then pull away in a huff. In the end, my father always said: “What are you arguing about?” And he ordered me to apologize.

My father was actually a very kind, peaceful, just and wise man. Only he didn’t look closely at what my mother did to me. We had a good relationship. Unfortunately, he passed away ten years ago. Significantly, even then it was all about my mother’s pain. I comforted her. But it never occurred to her that I lost my father too. Of course she kept the money and didn’t even give me a (worthless) picture as a souvenir.

I had a close relationship with my grandmother, with whom she always lived in a state of war. She told me very nasty (and I now know: lies) things about my grandmother and gave me a choice: me or her. When I was 18, she kicked me out of the house. I got an A, was hardworking and polite, didn’t do drugs, and went to classical concerts. But she always found a reason.

It was always my fault. She never apologized. She never listened to what actually bothers or bothers me. I had to adapt completely and please her, and even that was never enough. For example, I always did an incredible amount for her on HER birthday: cooked, baked, made music, picked a nice present. My birthday, also my 40th birthday, was the reason for a phone call and she then talked about herself.

She never had empathy for me. If I was overloaded, it was just: “It’s your own fault.” But when she was overloaded (as always), I had to show full understanding.

She demanded of me that I was the best everywhere: that I marry the best man, have the best children, a nice house, a good job, a great high school diploma, a great state exam, a doctorate, do voluntary work on the side and make good music (I sing). And the meanest thing: I managed ALL of it, even more. And now she’s jealous of me, making my successes small and big on herself.

She claims she always worked. She was a housewife and played bridge and tennis while I am a successful lawyer. And she doesn’t listen to me anymore since I’ve been singing well and professionally and also performing with professional musicians. She neither listens to my singing nor is she interested in it. And that despite the fact that she loves music herself, the same ones I make. So her expectation was: be a super daughter, do everything, and when you have done it, you’re wrong and angry because you make me jealous.

At my wedding, SHE made the guest list and made sure almost all of her friends came, but only a few of our friends (“You haven’t known them that long”). That means my husband and I were basically just the mannequins who got married so she could show off the success to her friends.

She always accused me of being a bad daughter, a bad mother, a selfish, mean person. She’s the only one who sees it that way. In my environment, I am considered emphatic, loving, reliable, helpful, friendly. For a long time I was even friendlier to make up for my flaws. When I asked for evidence or examples of my supposedly bad character, she evaded it.

I asked her if she would do a clarification with me. In the session (about ten years ago) the therapist said that she could see that I understood my mother, but that my mother did not understand me. My mother then broke up the sessions. Five years ago it escalated again, she manipulated and blackmailed me financially and I said that we had a conflict and if she wanted to resolve it. She refused. She is over 75 and just wants peace and quiet.

After that, she continued to be unpredictable, disrespectful, and hurtful. When I had Corona, she didn’t ask how I was doing, even though I was seriously ill. She didn’t wish my husband a happy birthday. She refused us to go to her holiday home, preferring to leave it empty.

I couldn’t take it anymore and a year ago I broke contact without a word, suffered for a while and then recovered from the constant attacks. Now I’m feeling better.

Now she’s surfaced again, bombarding me with calls, demanding money from me (for the wedding 20 years ago) and wanting a “loving family relationship.” I notice that I am out of breath. I can’t sleep, I’m shaking again and I don’t know how to get out of this. And one more thing: she is old and I feel guilty if I don’t take care of her later, when she gets sick and needs care.

What do you advise me?

sabine t

Dear Sabine T,

I can imagine how much you suffered at the hands of your mother. That sounds a lot like mental abuse. And while I cannot diagnose people I have not personally seen and heard, I can say that your mother qualifies as a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please check it yourself: On the page www.narcissism.org describes in detail the characteristics of people with a narcissistic personality disorder, with a focus on the behavior of narcissistic mothers towards their daughters.

Also worth reading is the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough. Healing for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” by Karyl McBride.

It has opened the eyes of many of my patients to the often difficult to grasp disorder and helped them to recover from the abuse. The best way to do this is through psychotherapy.

Your mother has the following characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

she has you

As you can see, there is quite a bit of stress involved, and I can well understand that after all these years you have come to a point where you realize: I can’t take it anymore. You have distanced yourself and allowed your wounds to heal. It will probably take a few more years, you will often be angry and you will certainly have many tears. Allow yourself to listen, take your time.

Only in this way can you become the person you really are and overcome the toxic traces and high level of adaptation to the wishes of others.

It is interesting – and unfortunately not really surprising given the disorder – that your mother is now making contact with you again in this manipulative and punishing way. A normally emphatic mother would ask why you cut off contact, if there was anything to clarify or discuss so you can get back in touch.

Your mother rumbles into your life with a financial demand. She wants money, she settles accounts (to your disadvantage because I’m guessing it was never agreed that you’d pay back the wedding expenses), she puts herself first, she wants to stress and punish you. And she tramples over your limits.

If you haven’t reacted yet, I would advise the following: Clarify the financial claim briefly and factually (namely that there isn’t one). Then, at the meta level, write, “I’m surprised you don’t ask how I’m doing and why I cut off contact. We had a conflict and you didn’t want to resolve the conflict. Through the unresolved conflict, yours is yours Behaving disrespectfully towards me, not reliable and not appreciative. I can’t take it anymore. Please accept that I don’t want any more contact.”

You will probably notice that your mother will continue to seek arguments and arguments, possibly slandering you in the community and threatening wherever she can.

This is called “narcissistic feeding”. Narcissists can be thought of as “emotional vampires” who feed on other people’s feelings and need constant attention (or a stage). If they don’t get positive attention, they take negative ones as well. The main thing is that there is a drama in which they can portray themselves as victims. And they love to feast on other people’s negative feelings.

It is best to stop contact completely: Do not respond to emails, letters, visits and calls. Or always write/answer with the same wording: “You didn’t want to resolve the conflict. I can’t stand your behavior anymore. Please accept that I don’t want any contact with you.” Any variation on the wording would be grist to your mother’s mill.

Expect that your mother will withdraw any inheritance or assistance (e.g. looking after the children) from you and will do everything to put you in a bad light in the family environment. It’s about a power game. Just like a cat can’t help but torment a mouse, narcissistic people love to inflict pain on others. But as long as something (eg, debt, daily touchpoints, guilt) still ties you to your mother, she will shamelessly use it to make you compliant. So it’s best to make sure you’re completely independent yourself if you haven’t already.

The final point is that you come to terms with the fact that after the abuse, you probably won’t be able to care for your mother in old age without it being toxic to you. This is probably the hardest part, because you were raised to put your mother’s wishes ahead of your own. The best place to get help is here.

You may find this helpful: Your mother was always excellent at pursuing her own interests and doing what is best for her. She will certainly also manage to ensure that she is well looked after in her old age and that everyone jumps for her. Only she has taken it too far with you, so that she has to do without her daughter. It is best to protect your children as well so that they do not have to stand in for you.

Best regards

Juliet Peirano