Because the marriage simply no longer worked, Marion and her husband separated after a long marriage. But how do you teach that to the children? And who gets the common house?
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
I’m in the worst crisis of my life so far. I am 53 and a teacher. My husband and I have always had our conflicts, but now our marriage is at its end. We broke up because we kept fighting over little things, couldn’t do anything together and I was starving emotionally.
We have two children, Lea (18) and Markus (20).
A year ago I had a shorter affair, which I am ashamed of. I ended the affair pretty quickly and told my husband about it. That then led to the final separation.
I can now cope with the separation from my husband. The feelings have fallen by the wayside over the years. Sometimes I think that I should have split up much earlier because we just don’t fit together.
But I can’t talk to him at all, and he indirectly blocks and provokes me wherever he can. We must now decide who will move out of the house that we jointly own. We both want to stay there because we put a lot of effort and money into it and it is a very special place. He thinks we can stay there together. He wasn’t going to move out. He’s probably saying that because he has a thicker skin than me and just sits there until I can’t take it anymore.
And then my big worry is that he will turn the children against me because I had an affair, and then he will look good in front of the children and me as the one who ruined the marriage. The children do not yet know that we have split up.
What can I do to get the break-up over and done with?
Many greetings
Marion V.
Dear Marion V.,
that sounds like a very messy situation you are in right now. Sure, with the long-term communication problems you and your husband have, breaking up is a good solution. After all, it’s not a nice idea that the two of you will stay together for decades, especially if the children are soon out of the house. A difficult marriage can wear you down and become bitter over time.
The separation gives you the opportunity to plan the next phase of life as it suits you now. This is a great opportunity! And in a few years, you’ll probably look back at this crisis and say, “It’s good I pulled it off.”
Now it is a matter of handling the separation reasonably skillfully and neatly so that you, your husband and the children do not suffer any major collateral damage.
With regard to the children, I would recommend that you start talking to the children and tell them honestly that you and your husband have separated. Of course, children want to know exactly what that means for them, and it would be good to tell them honestly and of course at that age to give them space for their own design and wishes.
You should tell that the children will definitely keep their parents’ house and that one of them will stay there and the other will look for a nice apartment or house. You can tell what kind of contact you would like to have with the children – and it is important that you speak in concrete visual language. For example: We can then go to the movies or have a pizza more often / The three of us go on vacation and go hiking like we used to / In any case, the person you don’t stay with has a room in which you can are always welcome.
You could say that you are likely to have little contact with your husband after the breakup because you don’t get along well, but that you are careful not to let the conflicts go ahead in front of the children.
Think carefully about your attitude towards the future with the children and what you can sincerely promise. That creates security and trust.
Then you can ask your children – individually or collectively – if they would like to know about the reasons for the separation. If not, tell the children that they can come and talk about it anytime. If so, you should cite the reason for the separation that you and your husband have not understood each other well for a long time, often argue and unfortunately cannot resolve conflicts, are very different in character and therefore could not give each other much love .
It is very important that you do not speak ill of your husband in the process, because in the end you are burdening the children with it. At that age, the children can form their own opinion and they do not want or should not hear anything negative about their parents, especially not from the other parent. Sooner or later the children will probably feel more comfortable and free with the parent who keeps them out of the conflict, is emotionally stable and gives them a right to their own feelings and points of view.
You can also mention your affair and say that this is not a good thing, but unfortunately it often happens when the partners do not give each other enough love and appreciation. You can say that you ended the affair on your own and that it is not the reason for the separation, but a clear sign that there are problems in your marriage.
Find a therapist and / or good friends with whom you can discuss your problems and do not burden the children with negative feelings at first hand.
The question of who gets the house sounds highly explosive. I strongly advise you to clarify BEFORE you move out (either your or your husband’s) who will keep the house, how the value of the house will be valued and when whoever stays will have to pay off the other.
If such questions are only clarified AFTER moving out in the case of very quarreling couples, they are often postponed by whoever stays in the house because the other person has little leverage to speed things up.
It would be best to first seek legal advice on financial issues such as maintenance and division of property and then suggest that your husband arrange mediation.
Mediation is about negotiating a solution TOGETHER with a trained, often legal or psychological mediator. The resulting separation agreement is then legally checked by each individual and then applies like a contract.
Mediation is a smart way to avoid legal fees and litigation. Only if a mediation has failed can you still go through two lawyers, which in my experience is an additional burden for everyone involved.
I hope that you can get this stony path behind you and that you can always look forward to a more relaxed life.
Best regards
Julia Peirano