J. Peirano: The Secret Code of Love
My friend is more attached to his cigarettes than to me
Smoking is very important to Silja’s friend (symbol picture)
© South_agency / Getty Images
When Silja and her boyfriend meet, it is usually with him – because he doesn’t have to go outside to smoke there. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Do they both have a future?
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
my boyfriend and I rarely see each other because he never wants to come to my house. He always gives the reason that he still has something to do with himself and that it bothered him that he cannot smoke in my apartment.
I have a cozy apartment with a large balcony, where he can of course smoke outside. Before I don’t see him anymore, I usually give in and drive to him or he takes me in the car on the way home from work.
I have already expressed the desire for a balance several times with I-messages and sometimes with a clear message and he just says “No” and seems annoyed, no matter what I try. I also have to cut corners when we’re with him, because it’s not very clean there and it’s always smoky. In the first few months of the relationship, I often broached the problem of cleanliness, but left it a little more slowly as my words were not having any effect anyway.
I hope you can give me some advice.
Kind regards
Silja B.
Dear Silja B.,
It sounds as if under the conflict in whose apartment you are meeting there are still many (and in my view more weighty) conflicts slumbering.
How do you feel emotionally at home in your relationship? It makes a sound that your friend is quite consistently enforcing his own wishes and is not ready to compromise or to compromise.
He would like to be in his apartment because it is more comfortable for him, but he does not make sure that you feel comfortable with him – and he also does not listen to your wishes and your criticism. You have to bend over and be content with what you find there.
Could it be that the subject of “smoking” is very important to your friend? He is more controlled by his cigarettes than by you, as it sounds. In the near future, watch what he’s doing to smoke undisturbed (and indoors) – and compare it with what he’s doing for your well-being. The addiction may be stronger here than you previously thought.
Communication between the two of you seems to be difficult in any case and there are some harbingers of separation: walls, no willingness to compromise or accommodating, no concern for the partner, no explanations or negotiations, and a little emotional blackmail (either we do it on my terms or we won’t see each other).
Your boyfriend’s behavior gives me the impression that he no longer attaches much importance to the relationship and possibly unconsciously wants to cause a breakup through his selfish behavior. Has the idea already crossed your mind?
Often a couple faces the end when the interests of the couple (we) are no longer taken into account, but one or both of them use the word “I” more often.
My most important question for you is: Why do you want to she continue this relationship? What do you like about it? Are there any positive things that you haven’t described? Are you afraid of a breakup? Do you know it from your childhood to be unwanted and not to be heard in your needs?
Unless you have compelling reasons to continue this relationship, it would be good for your self-esteem to draw a line on your own and say, “You are treating me below my worth, and since you didn’t want to change that, I’m going now.”
Best regards,
Julia Peirano