J. Peirano: My friend allows himself to be manipulated by his bipolar mother and his severely narcissistic father

Dear Dr. Peirano,

I (25) am in a very happy and on the other hand very unhappy relationship with my boyfriend (31 years old). We have known each other for a number of years and have been together for over a year. We’ve been living together for four months.

Unfortunately we live very far away from my family and friends and only a stone’s throw away from my friend’s family.

His mother was diagnosed with bipolar many years ago. However, she refuses the medication. His birth father never wanted to get to know him and disappeared before he was born. When my friend was around five years old, she married a severely narcissistic man. He adopted my boyfriend and he still calls this man “Papa” to this day, even though his mother has now got a new husband. So my friend’s family consists of his sick mother, stepfather, and the mother’s ex-husband, whom he calls father.

Relatively early after we got together, I noticed that my friend was conspicuously often talking to his “father” on the phone (every or every other day) and texting him even more often. If my friend does not react or does not react immediately, he will receive nasty insults and threats. He would disinherit him and so on. He lives about an hour’s drive away from us. Every two or three weeks, of course, his “father” also expects personal visits. These visits were always very uncomfortable because he used to talk to me in a very manipulative way when my boyfriend is not there and said that he could make my boyfriend leave me if I would not get on well with him (the father).

It quickly became clear to me that this man would mean trouble for our relationship. Nevertheless, my friend definitely does not want to break off or reduce contact with him. He feels a strong sense of gratitude for him because he has paid for his studies, the car and more. Now he goes to see him alone for a weekend every couple of weeks and I stay at home.

Then there is the burden: mother. Since we’ve been together, she and her current husband have regularly turned up at our home without registering. You then invite yourself to stay. Also sometimes bring food and drink and stay late at night. Whether we then say that I have a severe stomachache or that my boyfriend has to get up early tomorrow is of no interest to anyone.

My friend has tried several times to make it clear to them that these robberies must stop and that they should respect our privacy. However, nothing changes and every time they stand in front of the door, he happily opens them and offers drinks. If I’m not there for a few weeks, he hangs out with his mother and stepfather every free minute.

I am stunned how little my boyfriend can assert himself against his family, we very often argue about it. He then says things like “It won’t do anything anyway, he / she won’t change anyway, you should have got used to it by now.”

At the moment I only see the end of our relationship and all thanks to his family, who know no boundaries. Is it really me? Am I reacting wrongly and should I just accept as it is?

Greetings and many thanks in advance

Amelie T.

Dear Amelie T.,

First of all, let me tell you that there is no way you are reacting “wrongly”. My attitude is that everyone has a right to their feelings and their perceptions. When I’m in your Feel the situation and imagine that my friend, with whom I live together, has not just one, but three mentally ill and extremely stressful relatives, then I feel very anxious. And I would also ask myself what value I and the relationship have for my partner if he does not protect and secure our common home from the outside. I would feel very uncomfortable and overrun because apparently my mood and my wishes do not count.

On the other hand, I can also imagine that your partner has his own perception and emotional world. He grew up without a father with a mother who has bipolar disorder. If she had this disorder in his childhood, it has been a heavy burden on him. Children need adequate reflection from their parents. You should learn that the caregiver resonates, for example, comforts you when you get sad; fooling around lovingly or laughing with you if you are funny and playful yourself; sets limits when destroying things or attacking people.

A depressed mother usually has rigid facial expressions and suffers from listlessness and a gloomy mood. She cannot react to positive feelings in the child and show him little love (at least in depressive phases). A manic mother cannot correctly assess reality and cannot set any limits because she does not know her own limits herself (at least in manic phases). Depressed mothers are often unable to run the household and find it difficult to look after their children. As a result, the child learns at an early age to jump in and take on the role of mother. Manic mothers cannot correctly assess dangers and protect their children properly (e.g. from traffic). Or they are constantly on the move with or without a child and thus overwhelm their child (or let them down). All of this is very confusing and psychologically very stressful for a child.

So your partner had a very difficult starting position as a child. Then a severely narcissistic person stepped into his life who, as it sounds, used and manipulated him (and still does). It may have brought order and financial stability to life, but, as is the case with narcissists, it came at a price. “I’ll pay you for your studies, but for that you have to submit to my wishes.”

I can understand a five year old reaching for that straw. What else should it do? So your partner has been neglected, abused and manipulated in many ways. This makes him what it sounds like become co-dependent.

Co-dependency means that a person who lives with a mentally ill partner or parent who has alcohol or drug addiction revolves around them. In doing so, they themselves develop addictive behaviors that affect their partner or parent. They are not aware of their own feelings and needs, but focus on the needs of the – in this case – parent. “My mother wants to visit us and stay long, so I welcome her.”

Unfortunately, from my experience, co-dependency is often just as persistent as an addiction, for example. Example: A patient reported that his girlfriend drank and verbally abused him at night. He looked after her children (from his first marriage), provided for a living, and used white lies to protect her at work (“she has a headache” instead of “she was drinking”). When we had the topic of codependency on the wrap and deepened therapeutically, he wrote me out of the blue that therapy was no longer necessary. He proposed to his girlfriend and everything was fine.

This story is not an exception, but to be honest, both my colleagues and I have often grudged our teeth on co-dependent people and have had relatively little therapeutic success in this area.

What I’m saying: Your boyfriend exhibits co-dependent behaviors and he seems very afraid of showing boundaries to his family. He’s probably afraid (rightly from my point of view!) That criticism or refusal would mean the end of the relationship with his mother or father. And on a childlike level that would mean being abandoned! That is probably his primal fear.

It’s hard to give you a “tip”. I have shed light on the situation so that you can understand what deep-level dependency patterns exist and that they are not easily resolvable. Only if your partner is willing to really come to terms with his past and his relationship with his family would he have a chance to draw boundaries. And he doesn’t make that impression. Most codependent people also need several attempts to change something.

Please read up on the subject and talk to your friend. Maybe you can show him my answer, too. But please don’t expect miracles.

Best regards

Julia Peirano