Even during their marriage, Mareike’s ex-husband actually only lived according to his needs. After the divorce it got even worse. How does she get him to be more considerate – and stick to his appointments?
Dear Ms Peirano,
I (architect) am divorced and mother of two children (Anna, 5 and Jannick, 7). My ex-husband makes life difficult for me whenever he can.
It started even before the breakup. He didn’t do much around the house and only what he wanted. Two years before the breakup he took a better paying job in another town 400 km away from us without asking me.
After that, everyday life with the children was completely up to me, although I also have a job and had just started in a new office, with more commitment and a managerial position. If I said something, he would stonewall me and say there was no other way and that I shouldn’t behave like this.
He hardly did anything for our relationship anymore. On the weekends he was exhausted and rested while I looked after the children and tried to keep life going. To be honest, I would have liked to have had a rest. There was a lot of arguments and eventually he ended the relationship without giving us a real chance.
It’s been two years now and he’s back in the same city. We have joint custody. But when it comes to weekend planning, he treats me down. We actually have an agreement (I have the children one weekend, he the next). But then on Friday he emails me that he has to work longer hours and can’t pick up the children until Saturday.
Or he cancels a whole weekend without asking me if I can take the kids at all.
And then I stand between the chairs. Actually, I urgently need time for myself again to relax, do the housework, meet friends – but I don’t want to give the children the feeling that they are not welcome here or that I want to get rid of them. I know that from my mother and don’t want to repeat it. And so I put on a good face at the bad game and always keep myself flexible to step in if my father cancels.
He also expects me to take care of everything (children’s birthday parties, doctor’s appointments, parents’ evenings, etc.), but let him have an equal say in decisions and provide information about everything. If he then forgets an appointment that he suddenly found important, then he yells at me because I didn’t remind him of it.
He is often abusive towards me anyway and threatens me, but always in such a way that no one hears. Sometimes he tells me that he would take the children himself, sometimes he threatens that he won’t pay anymore or “that I should see what I get out of it.” I have not done anything! On the contrary, I am very accommodating and fair, only communicating with him in writing so that he cannot twist my word.
Our circle of friends stays out or has long been divided into “my friends, his friends”. His mother also stays out of it or subtly conveys the message that as a mother you have to put a stop to it for your children.
He also often makes mistakes that I can take the blame for. He forgets to dress them warmly and then I get children back with a cold on Sunday and I catch it myself. If it is agreed that he will get a present for a child’s birthday, he forgets it and claims that I would then deliver the present later. This is also quite embarrassing for the children. Or he sits her in front of the television for hours because he still wants to work. And they come back unfocused and nervous.
I am now completely exhausted and worn down by his behavior, ignorance, threats and stubbornness. I can’t stand against him, and ultimately I take it upon myself to take good care of the children while he takes care of them when it suits him.
I have to say that I find it extremely unfair that he has a (much younger) girlfriend and lives a carefree life with her while I have no time to think about a new relationship. And I don’t think any man would have the nerve to be with a woman who is constantly overwhelmed and worn out.
I’m so angry, but I don’t let the anger out. That’s not healthy either, and I don’t see a solution at all.
What do you suggest?
Many greetings
Mareike G.
Dear Marieke G,
First of all, I think it’s good that you’re realizing how much energy is being drained from your toxic relationship with your ex-husband. This is certainly not a nice insight, but at least it also helps you to do something about the injuries and to take good care of yourself.
I can imagine you feeling a mixture of anger, sadness and helplessness at his behavior. It is very unfair that he takes care of the children when it suits him and not when it is agreed. It is unfortunate that he treats you in a superior manner and disrespects your timing and free time by simply picking up the kids later.
And it probably hurts your soul that he not only treats you, but also the children according to his own needs: if he just feels like having children, he does something with them. If he has something more important to do, he puts her in front of the TV or picks her up later. The fact that he also creates a field of tension that the children feel unconsciously and that may cause them feelings of guilt or that they are not wanted does not seem to be important to him.
Have you already tried to turn on the youth welfare office and see what counseling services are available that might be obligatory for you and your husband? The youth welfare office focuses on the well-being of the child per se, and if couples with joint custody do not cooperate and this repeatedly leads to tensions, that falls within the remit of the youth welfare office.
Otherwise, it would also be possible to ask a lawyer specializing in family law about how to proceed. You can also inquire there whether you should report his threats. However, it can be difficult if you don’t have evidence – but at least it would be on record and a message to him that you’re fighting back.
As you’ve probably noticed, a vicious cycle occurs when one partner doesn’t meet their obligations and simply assumes that the other will make up for it – for example, giving up their weekend off because the other doesn’t pick up the kids. It would certainly be a good idea to flip such, by the way, passive-aggressive behavior on the part of your ex-husband so elegantly that it suddenly becomes uncomfortable for him (and no longer for you).
The advantage: You are prepared and reflected. Experiences from the last few years have shown that it can happen again and again that he does not mutually pick up the children later – and gets away with it.
You could use a little strategic “warfare” at this point and always come up with a wonderful plan B that will do you and the kids good (and your ex-husband bad) if he doesn’t pick the kids up on time. I learned that at university from a strict teacher. She always did a wonderful relaxation exercise for the first ten minutes of the lecture. The only problem: If you came too late, you had to wait outside the door for so long. As a student who is chronically late, I learned the lesson quickly and was on time from then on.
Write to him, for example, if he announces a relevant delay: “Oh dear, I already have an appointment that evening and can’t keep the children any longer.” If he then doesn’t offer a solution and you don’t give him a fuck, you can consciously take the children with you to your weekend plan (eg a weekend with friends who live 100 km away). If he has stood in front of your door a few times and you and the children have been away, perhaps a learning effect will also occur. And you made sure not to wait but to make your weekend enjoyable for you and the kids.
I assume that he will understand this form of an answer. After all, he himself acts out of very selfish motives and can immediately see through them in other people. It’s best to hit him at his own game and ask: But what should I do? I told you I had plans on my free weekend. I can’t just leave the kids alone…”
It’s a good idea to keep communication in writing only. This can become evidence before the youth welfare office or in court, and written communication often helps to control oneself better and not to be controlled by anger. It would also be helpful if someone is always present during the handovers so that your ex-husband cannot simply threaten you or at least there are witnesses.
I would also warmly recommend that you get psychological support yourself so that you do not burn out from the multiple burdens. And you would have someone by your side to help you look at things from the outside and work with you to develop self-care strategies that you (and indirectly your children) desperately need right now.
I wish you all the best!
Best regards
Juliet Peirano