Nadia is not very lucky in love, thinks her mother Konstanze. And asks for advice. But what is really behind it?
Dear Mrs. Peirano,
It’s about my 29-year-old daughter Nadia, who has had three relationships so far:
- At the age of 18 for four years, mutual separation
- At the age of 23 for three years, her great love. The separation took place through the man: he could no longer miss her and would no longer love her. This was a big blow for Nadia, she was completely unprepared, even if she now thinks that the external circumstances were a bit difficult (new job with a friend, many internships with her, too little time), but no reason for her to come doubting the relationship
- At the age of 27 for a year, difficult relationship, probably borderliner, many degradations…. Nadia felt responsibility for the man for a long time and tried a lot
Right now it’s about a man – Piet. After six months of writing contact, Nadia proposed a meeting in mid-June. Piet has been active since that meeting. He suggested the next meeting, he called her and tried in many ways, they slept together … but they had not yet identified each other as a couple. The only problem up to that point was Piet’s planned move in January because of work. But both were of the opinion that there would surely be a solution.
After two months, Piet visited his family in his hometown and friends in his university town. As it turned out after his return, Piet had met with his ex-girlfriend, who had separated from him in November 20. After they hadn’t been in contact since then, she told him that she wanted a relationship with him again. Piet told Nadia that everything he told her was true. He concealed the remaining feelings about the ex in order not to endanger what was developing between them. And he quickly realized that he wanted more from her.
But he had been together with his ex for three years (albeit mostly as a long-distance relationship, the separation came when he lived close to the ex again), they had harmonized well, his fear of commitment contributed to the separation and he just had to give another chance. Nadia felt how difficult it was for him. He talked about wanting to kiss her, he caressed her face and arm. At another meeting he was silent and took Nadia in his arms when she asked how he was. Nadia already understands his decision, but was and is hard hit and very confused. She just can’t understand why someone is so committed to something new when they are still emotionally attached. Despite his explanations, she feels discarded and not good enough.
She also misses the good friend with whom she could do a lot. They continue to have written contact, which certainly comes from Piet and she also plans to continue meeting with him – amicably, she can hide her innermost well from him and appear carefree … she does not want to give up yet.
Nadia generally feels badly shaken by fate. She wants partnership and family, life passes her by and she just stops at 29. It is difficult to get to know nice men and nobody can stand her, as her experiences have shown. It would be up to her person.
I’m just as perplexed as Nadia, what can I tell her? Should she withdraw, can she have friendly contact, if it is good for her, should she honestly say how things are going with her emotional life? Furthermore: How can I behave in relation to your self-image? It’s easy to get wrong with what I say. But I also do not like to let it stand that she blames herself and that this settles in her. She completely refuses advice on how to build something up. Hypnosis four years ago was a bad experience.
Thank you for your response,
Constanze M.
Dear Konstanze M.,
When I read your letter, two different voices came forward to comment on your letter.
On the one hand, I thought: It’s great that a mother knows so much about her daughter’s love and emotional life and apparently enjoys the daughter’s full trust. And it’s also nice that you, as a mother, think so much and wish that your daughter Nadia is well.
On the other hand, I also thought: Why doesn’t Nadia write to me herself if she is dissatisfied with her love life? Why does she still share all the worries and details with her mother and maybe pass this burden on to her mother too? Is the relationship between the two of you adequately delimited for a 29 year old?
I wanted to report these thoughts back to you first, in the hope that you would question your relationship with your daughter yourself and find a point of view for yourself. Sometimes you are a little blind when it comes to your own trusted relationships.
Maybe that’s why you’re not getting the answer you’re hoping for from me. Because it would definitely be Nadia’s business to seek advice or an assessment. And that is exactly what she rejects. Is that also a pattern between the two of you? Nadia complains and suffers, but refuses constructive help – and you are worried and looking for solutions that Nadia does not accept?
In my therapy training I learned a very important sentence: “You cannot carry the dog to hunt”. The second most important sentence was: “Never work harder than your patient.” Therapy is therefore always about asking exactly what the patient wants to achieve and not what one wants to achieve for the patient himself.
What would Nadia say if you were wondering what exactly she would like from you as a mother?
Would you say: please listen to me and understand my suffering?
Or: tell me what to do?
Or: Do I confirm my view of the world that it is difficult with men and relationships these days? A young woman once called it: “End of Romance” – and I can understand her.
Just ask once clearly what you can do for Nadia, and then think carefully about whether you will do the same want. Or whether you say: discuss this with a therapist or a friend.
You could also perhaps use some indirect conversation techniques to get Nadia to think for herself. For example, you can ask her what advice she would give to a friend who is in exactly the same situation. Or you could ask her what she would say to 29-year-old Nadia herself if she were a happy 80-year-old with experience of life.
You could casually give her the book: “With guilt, shame and method“by Maren Lammers (or just leave it lying around). But the real work is up to Nadia, and I still wonder why she doesn’t want to find a solution herself.
And why you as a mother are looking for a solution. As a mother, does it help you to experience something on your behalf and to be part of the modern search for a partner? Do you have any unresolved issues with Nadia (feelings of guilt, something you “missed” in your upbringing, perfectionism in the role of a mother, problems of demarcation) that you are making so active here?
I hope that you will not be disappointed in my answer because I am aiming at a different point than what you asked.
Best regards
Julia Peirano
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