Because Alina’s boyfriend likes it harder in bed than she does, the two have an open relationship. The fact that she is now interested in someone else does not suit him either. Is the frequent argument worth it?
Dear Dr. Peirano,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now and since he’s into SM and I’m not, we’ve had an open relationship from the start. He has a few playmates that he goes to parties with (though they don’t reportedly engage in oral sex, kissing, or sex).
We haven’t had sex at all for two months, for his sake I did a bit of SM (let me be tied up and spanked), which then led to sex at first. In the meantime he only satisfies me with toys afterwards. I’ve been faking an orgasm ever since to make it stop.
Now I’ve met someone I’d like to have sex with and I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about it. He doesn’t like him and forbids me to deal with him. He gets loud every time I even mention his name.
We fight a lot, supposedly because I don’t pay enough attention to my boyfriend when we’re outside together. I have PTSD from being abusive in a previous relationship and his vocalizations bother me but he doesn’t care. He says it’s my fault he’s reacting that way and I can’t expect him to change if I don’t do the same.
Does that still make any sense?
Kind regards and thanks in advance
Alina Z
Dear Alina Z,
When I read your report, I immediately saw an image with several red flags and warning signs that read: Warning, dangerous area. Go no further! Otherwise great danger!
You write that you had traumatic experiences in a previous relationship. Have you worked through these experiences? I would definitely recommend this to you: Find a therapist who is familiar with trauma therapy.
Dealing with guilt is an important part of trauma therapy. Many patients suffer from blaming themselves for what happened to them. This is often because the perpetrator also blamed them for the mistreatment.
This is a classic perpetrator-victim twist: I have to do this to you because… (“you want it yourself”, “you excite me so much”, “you did something wrong and I have to punish you”). Unfortunately, this pattern of interpretation is adopted by the patients themselves because they did not receive any help to see it differently.
In most cases it also turns out that there are family reasons why the traumatized woman/girl did not get to safety or get help. Sometimes you find families where everyone protects the perpetrator (because her father or grandfather) and doesn’t believe the girl. Or where no one cares about the girl’s feelings and she has no one to listen to her. Or she just doesn’t know that what’s happening to her isn’t “normal” sex, it’s abuse or a crime.
Then there is no education, which is an important part of a child’s upbringing during puberty. For example, as a mother, to ask if the daughter would like to have sex and if it happens, to inquire whether she enjoys it or whether she feels overwhelmed.
All of this is worked through in a trauma therapy session, and then the question often follows: How can I ensure that this never happens to me again?
A severely traumatized patient has decided against ever having sex again and has communicated this to her current partner. Other women avoid going to parties drunk and making themselves vulnerable. Others break off contact with certain people and take their time getting to know them, subjecting potential partners to many secret security and trust tests.
The question of whether the traumatic experience can happen again is a very central question that determines whether someone can feel safe again. This includes the certainty: I’m an adult now and I’ve learned a lot. I always listen to my gut feeling and take good care of myself.
What does what I just wrote evoke in you? Especially when you think about your current relationship? A partner who is sexually open to violence (which is fine if he finds the right partner who also wants it), BUT also wants to push through with you, who is not into violence and is traumatized by sexual experiences?
More red flags: you need to trick him to make him happy, and it seems you don’t have much faith in him sticking to the sex party deal (no kissing, no sex) either.
On top of that, he doesn’t respond to your stress and intimidates you further.
Reading all this brings to mind the red flags and warning signs. It’s probably of little use if I advise you: You have to get out of there quickly, it can still end badly. (It’s bad from my point of view, but often people test how far they can go and then improve over time.)
It would be better if you believe yourself and your gut feeling. After all, you wrote to me and got help. And I can honestly tell you that I’m worried about you!
But I think you should do therapy to examine your choice of partner. They repeatedly put themselves in danger and it takes a while to realize that and stop.
I wish you a lot of courage and strength!
Take care of yourself!
Best regards
Juliet Peirano