Sophia and Mia have been together through thick and thin for more than 25 years. But Mia’s toxic relationships gradually get the better of her friend because her advice doesn’t help. Julia Peirano knows what to do.
Love Ms Peirano,
This isn’t directly about me, but about my best friend Mia. We’ve been friends since elementary school and celebrated our 25th friendship day last year 🙂 We’ve been through so much together, a lot of ups (Interrail, salsa, girls’ nights out , watching series, Pilates) and many lows (my mother’s illness and death, her motorcycle accident and of course all the men’s stories). She can be very funny and crazy.
And that brings us to the topic. I have been happily in a relationship for four years and have a small daughter. Mia often seeks out difficult men and sticks with them.
Recent relationships:
- Niklas was married, supposedly he was just separating from his wife, and he held out to Mia, didn’t change anything about his life and let her starve on his outstretched arm.
- Ben was a full-blown narcissist, only thinking about himself, telling untrue stories about his supposed professional successes and fortune, while he borrowed 20,000 euros from Mia, which she still hasn’t gotten back. And he cheated on her with other women.
- The current guy in Mia’s life is Jonas, a total dazzler. Tall, good-looking, doctor, but choleric and unpredictable. I’m not sure if he’s hit me sometimes or dragged Mia around hard. Another friend and I saw strange bruises on her and of course asked her about it, but she used weird excuses that I honestly don’t believe. Jonas also verbally belittles her, telling her that she needs to watch her weight or that she will overreact when she (justifiably) brings up something that bothers her.
I’m very worried about Mia and would like her to take a closer look at her choice of partner. Or at least that she’ll break up as soon as the first ones happen red flags turn up. After the breakup with Ben, all of our friends talked to Mia together and told her how bad we thought he was and how glad we were that she broke up (which took forever). And we all offered to tell her honestly what we think of her men in the future.
Then she was single for three months, blossomed – and met Jonas. That was a year ago now. When things are going well with Jonas, she invests everything in pleasing him and also neglects her own life. And when things don’t go well, she’s devastated, but doesn’t tell us friends everything, or at least that’s what we assume.
During the bad phases, I have often told her why I think it is a toxic relationship and advised her to separate. I have offered her all my support if she breaks up and she knows she can count on me. She then often, I can’t put it any other way, separated “a little bit” and didn’t contact Jonas for three days. But as soon as he took another step towards her, she got involved with him again. It’s been like this for nine months now, she’s lost a lot of weight and doesn’t sleep well. I don’t really get through to her with my words, and the same goes for the other friends. She denies the issue of domestic violence.
On the other hand, I also notice that it is very stressful for me not to be able to help her. I can’t stand Jonas’ toxic masculinity, and I can’t stand the way Mia degrades herself and puts up with it. Actually, she is also a feminist and thinks that women should be strong and independent. Only in her relationships does she do the exact opposite.
I don’t want to let Mia down, but I can’t stand watching it anymore. How can I best deal with her?
Best regards and thank you
Sophia P.
Dear Sophia P.
I can well understand that it causes you pain when you see your beloved girlfriend in such a long-lasting and constantly repeated relationship drama.
You know the strong and positive sides of Mia, and you have, so to speak, stored inner images of how funny, courageous and lively she can be. And then you experience how completely different images of Mia come to light in changing relationships with men: she becomes dependent, allows herself to be humiliated, is inconsistent and loses her shine. She can no longer sleep, which also indicates a loss of safety and security.
It’s probably really upsetting for you to see that! And it also makes you feel helpless because Mia won’t let you help her. She sounds a little resistant to advice, because at least she has good, caring, intelligent friends who would honestly give her an outside perspective and help her free herself from toxic relationships. But it seems that Mia follows an inner pattern of action with somnambulistic certainty and repeats her painful experiences in an endless loop, even with different men.
The essence of their relationship dramas seems to be the question: Do I matter to you? Do you respect me and pay attention to my boundaries and my wishes? Am I only lovable if I give up on myself?
It is quite possible that this insecurity is an old theme from Mia’s childhood that she had to experience and suffer with close people. For example, because there was an overbearing and indifferent father to whom she played no role and who ignored her needs. She was unable to resolve this conflict as a child, and in the sense of a compulsion to repeat it, she reenacts this struggle in her relationships and tries to resolve it there. That means she fights with Niklas, Ben and Jonas over the question of how lovable she is. These men are representatives for, for example, the father, who was actually the issue.
But what can you do as a best friend to avoid drowning in the whirlpool? I would give you the following perspectives:
- This topic is a classic therapy topic and would have to be addressed by Mia as part of psychotherapy. The issues of self-esteem and possible domestic violence clearly transcend the scope of conversations between best friends. If a friend of yours had a toothache, you wouldn’t pull her infected tooth yourself at the kitchen table, but would tell her that she definitely needs to go to a dentist!
- Friends or family members cannot influence the decision as to whether someone wants to work on mental health issues at a certain time! (As a therapist, you don’t work with people who have been sent by a doctor, a partner or friends and don’t want to work on themselves. The realization is that it’s no use at all if someone isn’t motivated. One of the most important principles from my therapy training is: You can’t carry the dog to hunt.Ask yourself: Does Mia want to clarify the issues? Or does she just want to repeat them at the moment?)
- It is not uncommon for consoling friends to even inadvertently help their suffering friends to endure a toxic relationship a little longer. In your case, Mia always has a strengthening and comforting shoulder in you and her other friends, on which she can cry and be supported. And she uses this energy to go back to Niklas, Ben, Jonas and suffer further scenes in the toxic relationship drama.
- Sometimes in relationships it is important to hold up as clear a mirror as possible to the other person in the sense of “I see that in you”. It would be worth trying to tell Mia that you see her repeating the toxic patterns with men and not seeking help or advice.
- And giving yourself a voice is an essential step in order to free yourself from your own helplessness. I advise you to talk to Mia about how you feel about her right now and what that makes you feel. How much it tires, exhausts, and horrifies you to see again and again how Mia submits to her partner and gives herself up. Try to express your own feelings clearly without judging, devaluing, or analyzing Mia’s behavior. Maybe tell her: I can’t help you here and that makes me helpless. I give up. (And then you keep pointing out that she should see a therapist).
- Through this honest reflection of your own feelings, you stop constantly feeling sorry for yourself and hoping – in sync with Mia’s own suffering in her toxic relationships. Instead, you’re basically saying: “I don’t want to listen to this anymore (to that extent) because it’s not good for me.”
Then you could talk to Mia about how you want to live your friendship, away from torturous conversations and ineffective advice about Jonas, Niklas, Ben. Maybe you can go to salsa or Pilates again? Or plan an evening together with your other friends? It is very important to continually show Mia the positive images you have of her. How brave and strong she can be, how funny, how wonderful. This is what she needs to find the strength to separate.
Of course, it’s not easy to leave your girlfriend alone with her relationship dramas for a while. But what would you do if your friend with chronic, severe toothache didn’t go to the dentist but kept complaining to you about the pain? Listening to this, how long would you think you’ll be helping her? Or would you even help your friend to be able to endure the (tooth) pain because you always comfort her? And would that be good?
I wish you a lot of courage and clarity to find a good way for yourself and also for Mia to stop suffering so much. In doing so, you would also be setting an example of how you can set yourself apart and take care of your own well-being.
Best regards
Julia Peirano