Although Katja and her boyfriend haven’t known each other for long, they are very familiar with each other. But the only attempt so far to become intimate with each other, he could not. How is she supposed to deal with that?
Dear Ms Peirano,
I met a man three months ago. We both have long relationships behind us. He suffered from the separation for a long time.
Everything seemed perfect. We became very familiar right away and could talk about anything. He kisses me deeply and is tender. He also says that he loves me very much.
But the first time he had sex, he didn’t have an erection. He said it was just me and that’s why in a possible permanent relationship nothing would happen in bed. He cannot explain why this is so. He says he doesn’t want to lose me under any circumstances and is obviously very sad when I tell him that the whole thing probably makes no sense and it’s better if we don’t see each other anymore.
I don’t know where I am and if there’s any point in staying in the relationship. I don’t know if I’m capable of a platonic relationship with him, since I found the previous tenderness beautiful. He would also want to keep it, which I don’t understand either.
Many greetings
Katya G
Dear Katja G,
I’m honestly a little confused by your story and I would like to ask you a few questions to understand it better.
You write that at first you immediately had a feeling of familiarity with this man and that you could talk about anything. Now there was a situation that was quite sensitive for your further relationship: the first sex. Apparently the first sex didn’t “work”. He didn’t get an erection. This happens quite often. It’s easy to get excited the first time you meet a new partner, especially if you care about the other person.
But why didn’t you just try it again? It sounds like this man gave up immediately and rigorously. Is it possible that not only am I confused, but that you were or still are confused?
Actually, it would be a partnership, especially in such a situation where sex doesn’t work out and insecurities and embarrassments may arise, to stick together and make each other feel good.
The man could say he’s excited and he could continue stroking the woman tenderly or telling her what he finds comfortable at the moment. The woman could make the man feel like there’s no drama – and they could both relax with each other and try again later.
How did you feel when this man told you it just wouldn’t work for you? From my experience, such a statement opens up a huge space for self-doubt and speculation. Why does he desire me not? Then he desires other more (with all of them does it always work)? I can imagine that you felt very inadequate. And of course it is not up to the woman whether the man gets an erection, but to his Dealing with his body, his thoughts and fantasies, his excitement-
After this situation, why didn’t you talk openly to each other about the causes/about the situation/about attempts to solve it? It’s important to build trust right at the beginning, and that works best when something doesn’t work out.
Sometimes, at the beginning of a relationship, one tends to talk things over nicely and prefers not to perceive difficult observations.
I’m a bit uncomfortable now and ask more closely whether the level of conversation between you two isn’t as deep as you would like it to be.
Because he doesn’t tell you the reason why it didn’t work out (e.g. still had to think about his ex-girlfriend/was afraid to get involved) and he didn’t tell you why he didn’t give you both a chance. Here there might be a secret on his side that he won’t tell you (like his sexual preferences).
How do you remember your first sexual encounter with him? Is there something like shame, sadness about being rejected, anxiety – maybe on a physical level, a tightening in the stomach, a tightness in the chest? Take these feelings seriously, even if it may be uncomfortable.
This may also help you answer the question of whether you would be okay with a platonic relationship.
Being in a platonic relationship also means that you don’t have a problem if your platonic friend has a new partner or tells you about meeting other women and having sex with them.
Hand on heart: Can you imagine? Especially if you continue to have the kind of caresses he wants?
Or do you actually have too much of hurting and rejecting him to do that she does not see as his partner?
Best regards
Juliet Peirano